Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Baby Talk

Last week, I was in the teacher's lounge for lunch and talking to a teacher who is pregnant and due soon.  She goes to the same group of doctors as I did.  Turns out she had to start getting nonstress tests, and as soon as she said that, it was like a flashback to when I was pregnant with Coen.  I commented out loud about it, and she said she thought of me when she had to do it.  I mentioned the poem on the wall and she immediately knew the exact one I was talking about - I wrote about it here.  It actually made me sad that I am done with all that, because it is so exciting for her.  I tend to forget how hard it was for me sometimes because of the happy ending we got.  Anyway, the conversation went to full blown pregnancy/labor/baby talk - and I sat there and participated like it was nothing.  That is something that I never would have been able to do, if it wasn't for having Coen.  Thank you baby boy!!  However, it still feels a little uncomfortable because I tend to talk about Sierra and Coen's pregnancies and deliveries, but not Adelyn.  I guess I feel like talking about a baby who died during labor isn't the nicest thing to do in front of a pregnant woman.  But yet that is one of the few things that I have to talk about for Adelyn.  I can't talk about when she smiled or laughed or walked.  Only about when I was pregnant with her or when she was born.  I even hesitate to talk about how fast Coen was born because he was my third baby.  I hate that, why can't I just say it and not care if it makes others uncomfortable? Even at lunch at a different school last week, a teacher asked to see my Pandora charms. When she saw the little girl charm my husband got me on Adelyn's birthday, she said oh now you need the little boy for Coen. Actually I need another girl AND a boy because you see I have three kids not two. I didn't say that but I thought it. Instead I told her that my husband got it for me on Adelyn's birthday and explained the rest of my charms. All three kids' birthstones, the Angel of hope and a charm that says hope. A lot for adelyn actually. So you see, something so simple can be so much more for me.

So yes, I can talk about babies and pregnancies now, but some things are still hard for me.  I saw some pictures of a few pregnant friends on Facebook.  I am not sure if I can put into words how things like that make me feel.  I don't have a meltdown or cry even, but my heart hurts a little.  I guess deep down I am just a little jealous that they can enjoy their pregnancies so naively.  Take pictures of their bellies, of the nurseries waiting for babies to come home to, being able to assume that their babies will come home.  I know that I did get to do this, with a fairytale ending that is Sierra.  But seeing that kind of stuff, it reminds me of coming home to a nursery with every single detail ready - diapers, wipes, clothes hung in the closet, clean sheets and changing tables - but no baby.  I thought that having a rainbow baby would make those feelings go away, but it didn't.  It helped a lot, but it still hurts.

Another thing that still hurts, is hearing about someone having a second daughter.  That happened today.  I felt my heart sink - and I can only try to explain why.  Mostly because it takes me back to finding out we were having a second daughter, and all the hopes and dreams that instantly came with that, and how we never got to live those out.  It's because I will always long to raise another daughter, because I thought I was going to get to, but I didn't.  It's because I wanted Sierra to have a sister to grow up with, to giggle with and play dolls with.  It is NOT because I wish Coen had been a girl.  Did I hope that before he was born - yes, more than anything.  I prayed and pleaded for a third daughter.  Did I care that he was a boy the moment I saw him?  No.  Would I change him?  Not a chance.  Just wanted to clear that up in case it sounded that way, because I love my little boy just the way he is, but at the same time I wish my second daughter was here also.

One thing I will say, is that I cannot imagine that all those happy, naive pregnant women or new moms will ever be able to appreciate their babies as much as someone who lost one.  I can't see how it is possible...... Both my living kids have helped me heal in completely different ways, and that is a special bond that we share.


Melissa said...

I agree with everything you wrote completely. I have charms too (still need to get my Alexa one -- only took me a few months to realize that I need it!)

I got my happy, naive pregnancy with Lorelei. I fussed over being overdue (as if that was the worst thing that could happen). My heart breaks for those women that never know that truly, blissful, naive happy ending that we had with our firsts.

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