Sunday, January 22, 2012


I had planned to write a completely different post today, but no the guilt had to creep in.  I hate guilt, it is such a horrible feeling.  Unfortunately, it is also a common feeling for me lately.  Today, every single type of guilt that is possible made its ugly way into my head.

Mommy guilt- the most common type for me.  I feel like I never have time to enjoy my kids.  I vow daily to care less about everything else and just spend some quality time with them.  Yet, there are things that have to get done - such as laundry, cleaning up the dog hairs, dishes, cooking, getting things ready for the next work day, etc.  During the work week, I only have 4 hours to do all those things, and on the weekends I am usually playing catch up.  I so often find myself putting something on TV for Sierra and plopping Coen in his bouncy seat in front of the TV or in his swing so I can complete these things, and I feel SO guilty.  When I am spending time with the kids, either I am feeding Coen or maybe eating a meal with Sierra.  Rarely do I actually play with them like I would like.  I want to, but then I am so tired from completing daily, necessary chores, that I just want to relax in quiet.  Then I feel even more guilty that once again, I didn't play with them as much as I wanted.  What a cycle.....

Going along with Mommy guilt is the more specific Sierra guilt.  I miss Sierra and mommy time.  I miss getting her ready in the morning, giving her baths, letting her do my hair or playing baby dolls with her.  I absolutely love all these girly things, and I will never get to do them again. She's growing up so fast, I don't want to miss out on all this stuff.  Yet lately, I feel like I am.  I am so busy feeding Coen every 3-4 hours, changing his diaper, changing clothes from spit up or diaper explosions, washing stupid pump parts twice a get the idea.  I feel like I have no time for her and it kills me.  Her daddy gets her up and ready in the morning, and there are quite a few of them where she is crabby and doesn't want to get up.  This leads to crying at 6:45 am, while I am downstairs feeding Coen.  Many times I hear her yelling "I want mommy" in between the tears, and it breaks my heart not to run to her and scoop her up in a big hug.  Not that magically that would make her stop crying, sometimes I think kids always want the other parent - but seriously I have yet to hear her say "I want daddy."  Whoever said little girls are all daddy's girls - well, so far that's not the case with Sierra.  It just seems like right now, I end up taking care of Coen more and Trevor gets Sierra.  It just makes sense, since I am the only one who can feed him and most nights his before bed feeding is right during bath time for Siera, so I miss that as well.  Which leads to me always getting to do Coen's baths, because it hurts Trevor's back and it's only fair.  I know it will get easier when Coen is bigger and easier to take care of - sorry to any men reading but I just think women are better at dealing with little babies.  Yet, I don't want to wish away his baby-hood, since he will be our last baby and I love babies.

Let's move along to wife guilt - today is Trevor's birthday and he had to go into work.  I felt so bad, but he had to fix all these mistakes other people made that are on him.  It's hard to relax and enjoy your day when you are worried about something.  Then we were going to go over my parents' house for dinner, but he didn't get home till 5 and I had not been able to get a lot of stuff done around the house with him at work.  I had to finish laundry, wash dishes, get all our stuff ready for the next day of work.  I had planned originally on meeting him over there and stopping on the way to pick up a coconut cream pie for him, his favorite.  Well when things got all messed up and we didn't go, we were both in crappy moods.  And I felt SO guilty that he didn't even get a good meal on his birthday, and not even a cake.  Since we had planned to go to my parents, I didn't have anything set out.

And now we have work guilt - do I really give my best effort while at work when I would MUCH rather be home with my kids?  Most days I am exhausted, I stay up till about 11 because I need time to relax and then I have to pump before bed and wash the parts so they are ready for the next morning.  I dread it, procrastinate, and end up staying up later than I should.  I get up every morning at 5.  It's so tiring, I was playing catch up for awhile, but I still need to get better organized as far as planning therapy activities. It would help if I didn't have a meeting every single morning! 

I even have dog-owner guilt - I love my dog so, so much.  But I feel like I neglect him because I barely have time to take care of myself these days.  He has not had a bath since before Coen was born, or even a brush or a nail trim.  His nails are so long, but it's so cold to go outside and trim them.  In the summer, I wash him outside with the hose.  But in the winter I take him to get groomed - because I refuse to bathe him in the bathtub and then clean it all out, plus the dog smell never quite goes away.  Taking him to get groomed is a big ordeal with two little kids, especially when one is a baby who nurses every 3-4 hours.  I have to plan my trips out, because I don't like giving him bottles on weekends or nights - more work for me because then I have to pump and wash it all.

I even have a bit of daughter guilt, because we cancelled on dinner at the last minute.  And because I feel like my parents are constantly helping me out and what do I do for them?  I feel like I just take and take and rarely give back, but I don't have much left to give at the end of a work week.  I can't even imagine what it would be like if we didn't have them around to help us though.

So yes, the guilt is eating me alive today.  It feels a little better now that I got it out, and now that both kids are in bed, the laundry is done, the house is vacuumed, and lunches are packed for tomorrow.  Let's just hope I get all 50 some of my progress reports written on clerical day tomorrow..........


Davilyn said...

Dearest, I remember those days. My children are 9 and 5 now. The first year after my youngest (son) was born are such a blur. I felt so out of control and exhausted and always very guilty Your entry today could have been mine in those days! Be kind to yourself, you are doing your best. I finally accepted there just were not enough hours in the day to do everything. Each day I did my best. Guess what? It was more than enough. Your best is also more than enough. And it will get easier. Praying for you to have peace.

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