Today I ran to Walmart after work before picking the kids up. I had to return an iron and wanted to get new sand for the sand box. Our lid blew off in a storm on Tuesday...as a result the sand was full of water and bugs. Sierra said it looked like peanut butter....
There is a woman that I used to work with at a grocery store when I was in college, who now works at the Walmart I shop at. I really liked her, and so the first time I saw her we caught up. I think Sierra was just a baby or maybe 1. I am positive I saw her when I was pregnant with Adelyn as well. I would always pick her line when she was working.
Then after Adelyn died, I avoided her. I was afraid.....I couldn't remember if she knew I was pregnant and if she did, I was sure she didn't know my baby died. That situation has got to be one I worry about, how awkward and uncomfortable would that be.
Today this woman was working in the garden area, and our eyes met. So I walked over to ask her where to find the sand. We talked for a little bit, and she said something along the lines of "Oh you have another baby now, right? You have two, two little girls right?"
Awkward silence.....and then I blurted out, "No we had a little boy."
In more ways than one.
Because it reminded me of what I thought was going to be, of what could have been, but isn't.
Because I lied.
Because I didn't acknowledge that I did have another little girl, that I DO have two girls.
Because I answered yes that I have 2 kids.
What was I supposed to do? Say oh yes, we did have another little girl but she died and then we had a little boy. It just doesn't seem right, I just can't yet bring this up in casual conversation. I want to talk about her openly, I want to acknowledge her.....heck, moments like these are a rare chance to actually talk about her.
But I just can't......
Maybe it will come in time. I hope.
1 week ago