Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Some People

Some people just "get it."  I'm so thankful for these people.  And I'd like to think that because of Adelyn, I am now one of those people.  I know I am, and I know this is a way that she has changed me for the better.  It's hard to believe that I would EVER say that.

Once again I am going to write about lunch.  What is it about lunchtime lately that keeps stirring stuff up?  One of my favorite coworkers - the one who made my day back in November by bringing over 3 Christmas ornaments, one for each of my children - walked in to where we eat lunch today.  I greeted her and she told me to beware, she was in a mood and having one of those days.  I instantly knew what she meant, and said I hadn't had one in a while.  She said neither had she, but that's how it is.  She at first said she wasn't sure why she was having one of those days.  We sat down with a few other teachers, and it hit me.  I remembered a death notice about another teacher who I don't really know but I know she works with a lot - his  mother passed away.  I knew that's why, because she lost her father about two years ago.  I looked at her and told her I knew why now. 

Lunch moved along, and somehow we got on the topic of a young man in the area whose body was found in the river.  Apparently one of the teacher's student teacher knew his family.  So then the conversation went to the autposy to determine how he died - it is believed he got really drunk at a concert and fell into the river.  How awful.  Someone mentioned that she heard on the news it was going to take 12-24 weeks to get the autopsy back.  Ugh - autopsies remind me of Adelyn.  That was one of the hardest days, we waited and waited for the report and when it finally came in by my 6 week check-up, going over it was so tough.  It is so graphic, and I remember feeling sick to my stomach knowing my baby girl was perfect, yet not here with us for no reason.  I wanted so badly to chime in and saw "oh yeah, I know all about autopsies, my daughter's took 7 weeks to come back and didn't tell us much anyway."  But I didn't, why I don't know.  I guess there were 2 people at lunch who don't know about Adelyn.  I guess I didn't want to be a person who could talk about her daughter's autopsy in general conversation.  But I am, unfortunately.   Here I go again, not saying anything when I could have talked about my daughter.  Why do I do this?  Afterwards I feel so bad.

Then the other people at lunch started talking about cancer and were asking my friend questions about her dad.  I wanted to scream at them - "don't you know she is having a bad day and you should not ask her those questions!!"  I knew she was barely holding it together.  But she did.

After lunch I sent her an e-mail and told her all these things.  I wrote about how last year, I probably would have ran out of there crying, but now I could just sit there and pretend to be okay, even though it still hurts just as much as it did a year ago.

The first line of her e-mail back to me? " Oh Lisa, you just get it."  Apparently, she had been thinking the exact same thing when the topic went to autopsies and wanted to ask me how long it took to get Adelyn's back, just because she wanted to know, but wasn't sure if she should.

The next class period, she popped her head in and just looked at me, threw her hands up and shook her head.  She said she just had to come down and tell me that I just get it in person.  We chatted a little bit, and I told her how I was mad at myself for not saying anything, but that there were people who didn't know.  She said she probably would have asked me that question if there weren't as many people there.  She gets it too.

And then, on my way home from work, I heard two songs that remind me of Adelyn, two songs that I consider part of my soundtrack of 2011 - The Band Perry's "If I Die Young" immediately followed by Adele's "Someone Like You." 

I have to believe that was some sort of sign from Adelyn.  As if she needs to remind me, I have been thinking about her constantly lately.  Maybe it was her way of saying, "Mommy, it's okay that you didn't talk about the autopsy in front of all those people.  You talk about it to those you are comfortable with, the rest will come."  Maybe it will, baby girl - until then, I will just keep taking baby steps.


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