Sunday was Adelyn's 3rd birthday. I guess mommy guilt doesn't care if your child is on Earth or in heaven. Feeling beyond guilty that I didn't write a blog on her birthday. Also feeling guilty that I didn't order the flowers I wanted to plant in her garden since last spring :(
But we still remembered her on her birthday. We went to church at Duquesne, which is where we got married and where Adelyn's funeral was and where Coen got baptized. Feeling badly that Sierra seems left out here, but we never thought to have her baptized there (instead she was baptized at the church I grew up going to). Since Adelyn's birthday fell on a Sunday and being where her funeral was makes me feel close to her, we decided to go. Well, wouldn't you know we got there and there was a special mass honoring the priest who married us, performed Adelyn's funeral and baptized Coen? He was being honored for 40 years in the priesthood. On Adelyn's birthday. Think what you want, but I take it as a sign from Adelyn. It was pretty neat.
We came home after mass and had lunch and relaxed. Sierra and I made a butterfly cake - attempt #2. Our first try failed and of course I wanted to cry because grief always makes little things seem way worse. I didn't know the pan had to be turned over so it would come out without breaking apart. Oops! Try #2 was a success:
We ate an early dinner and had a few close family members over around 7. I didn't get any good photos of the kids wearing their "Adelyn's big sister/little brother" shirts or near her garden. But we did get this nice picture of us releasing a sky lantern to her:
We released 3 lanterns for her and it was so beautiful. Then we had cake and sang to her also. It was a pretty good day. Although I found myself feeling rather angry about halfway through it. Mostly because a few people didn't mention anything or say anything. I think that is what hurts the most, when people (especially those who had really been there for us previously) forget. It kills me, like she is forgotten. So I did my work out to release some of my anger, and it helped. Even though there were some who did not say anything this year, there were still plenty who did. I try to tell myself we are blessed with some amazing friends and family and to overlook the people who forgot. But it's hard.
This year was definitely better than last year. That's not to say I wasn't sad, I didn't feel that sinking grief feeling in my stomach, didn't miss her like crazy. Oh I did. I guess I just managed it better. I cried, I got angry, I honored her the best way I could. I wasn't able to look through her memory box, it's been at least a year since I have. I don't know what but I just can't. I know if I do, the pain will come and I just can't go there, even though I probably need to.
Happy Birthday precious daughter. 3 years closer to holding you again.
St. Vincent (2014)
15 hours ago