Five

 My big girl turned 5 two weeks ago already!.  It's been a busy two weeks so I am just now getting to write about it.

It's hard to believe it's been 5 years since I became a mommy.  Things have changed so much since the day Sierra was born.  We've been through a lot.  I am defintely not the same innocent, naive mommy I was when I was pregnant with her and during her delivery and even during the first 2.5 years of her life.

But, I'm glad I got to experience that pure, unmasked joy of pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  Those who lose their first child never get to have that.  It's precious, being able to enjoy all those things without the worry of something happening like with Coen, or something really happening like with Adelyn.  I mean, I am sure many pregnant women worry a bit about something going wrong, but I don't think they really think it could happen to them like those of us who have had it happen.

Turning five is a big deal.  Sierra is officially registered for Kindergarten -yikes.  I'm not sure I am ready to entrust her to complete strangers.  I mean, I should trust them because I do work for the same school district as she will attend, so I know we have great teachers.  It's just not the same as having your neighbor, who knows your story, and has known your child since she was a baby, be the one taking care of your child.  It's letting go, a lot.  I'm not ready to let go, and I'm not ready for her to grow up.  And I'm really not ready for the attitude that my friends have all warned me comes after going to school.  I think she has enough of one already.

I still get e-mails from Babycenter, and even to this date read them because they are usually helpful.  Just yesterday I got one and it is now from "your big kid this week."  The first line of the e-mail says "welcome to the big kid years." MY kid, a big kid?  How can it be?  She's still that big eyed baby they put in my arms 5 years ago.....isn't she?

Sierra had a pretty good birthday.  On her actual birthday, she got to wear her new Tinkerbell tutu dress and take cupcakes to her friends.

 

 

We went to Red Robin for dinner at her request and she picked out a huge piece of ice cream cake for us all to share. She opened her presents from us when we got home.

 

We had a roller skating party the following Sunday, and everyone had fun.  It was hectic, but something seemed a bit off with the workers.  First, there were TONS of people working.  Later one of them told my mom that the owner's daughter had passed away suddenly the night before.  I didn't know details, like how old she was (later I found out she was maybe 40), but it distracted me.  All I could think of was their pain, what they must be feeling, and plus it was a rainy day so that didn't help.  Figures something like that would happen at our party, of all people.  I guess friends were gathering there to support her, she of course had to carry on with scheduled events at her business the day after her daughter died.  That is strength......

 

I have been experimenting with subway art lately, so I made this one for Sierra's 5th birthday.  It captures her at this age so well!

 

 

Happy Birthday to my biggest.  Now stop growing up on me, 5 is an amazing age!



18 months

So Coen has been 18 months for over a week now, but life gets busy.  I should be going to bed, but I am making myself type this before it gets even more overdue!

Coen is a big boy.....28 lbs (90th percentile) and 32.5 inches (53rd percentile).  And his head is in the 95th percentile!!  I looked back to Sierra's baby book and she did not weigh 28 lbs until she was 2.5!  It is crazy.  My brother and I were both chubby toddlers, so I guess that's where he gets it from.  I'm not surprised since he looks like a clone of my brother.  We were both huge babies so I am thankful Coen didn't get chubby until after he started walking.  Although isn't that backwards, don't you usually slim down when you start running around?!

Coen is now a full blown toddler. No more baby :(  He throws fits, gets into everything, and is curious.  He wants to do things on his own now.  He can now climb to the top of our stairs in minutes.  He found the water dispenser on our fridge and poured water everywhere!

Coen is starting to talk more.  He says "bye bye", "outside", what sounds like "milk" or could be "more".  He says "mama" all the time, and "daddy" too.  His daddy taught him how to growl so he thinks that is funny.  He also says "Nee" for Nicco (our dog).  My favorite thing he does right now is put his hands up and say "oh no!"  or "oh man!" when something doesn't go his way.

The boy loves to eat still!  He loves his "coo-coos" (cookies) and got his first taste of local Sarris Chocolate, which in my opinion is the best chocolate ever.  He was so happy:

I got a new camera, so I've been practicing with it, although I am just using the automatic settings at this point.  I want to take a class but I don't think any are offered until fall :(  This my favorite picture of Coen that I took on his actual 18 month "birthday":

Lately I've been very aware that I am approaching quite a few lasts any time now.  Simple things, like the last time I do laundry using Dreft (my jug is about empty and no need to buy more of it) to the last time I nurse Coen (yes he still nurses before bed) to the last time I have a rear facing carseat in my car.  That last one will probably be awhile still, since I am all about safety.  I keep waiting for Coen to wean himself, but he hasn't, although I am sure I could wean him fairly easily.  I'm not sure how I feel about it - it's probably time, but I can't wrap my finger around never breastfeeding again.  Plus, because I nurse him before bed, I've put him to bed every night (unless he doesn't go right down, then his daddy will take over sometimes).

How has it been 18 months already??  Seems like yesterday.  As Coen grows, I find my heart longing for another baby, yet my head says no way.  I think in all honestly, I long for Adelyn and the chance to experience her baby-hood.  I think when Coen was a baby and I was doing all the baby stuff, it was a little easier, but now that I know the end of babies in our house has come, I long for just "one more".  But I know even if I had one more, I'd always long for another - Adelyn.

I read this article at Still Standig Magazine tonight, it is so perfect:
Bittersweet - my favorite part is this:
"Babies born after loss fill you with hope. They soothe your pain and fill your aching arms. But they cannot heal your heart. They cannot fill the space that belongs to their sibling. And for every blissful moment of joy they bring - there is heartbreak woven through it all. Constant reminders of what you are missing – the moments that were stolen from you, the smiles you never saw, the tiny hands you can not hold. Every amazing milestone, every ‘first’ and every achievement – always, always bittersweet."

I think it is extra bittersweet to watch babies born after a loss grow up.  The farther away from being a baby he becomes, the farther away from Adelyn I feel in a lot of ways.

Triggers

I miss my girl tonight.  Too many triggers got to me today.

First, one of my students passed away in her sleep Sunday night/Monday morning.  She was 17.  She was a very sweet girl, I enjoyed working with her.  She always made me smile.  She had a lot of medical issues and learning disabilities, but she knew how to have fun.  I know she had seizures, so I wouldn't be suprised if she had a bad one in her sleep.

The first day I found out, I was telling a coworker (that day I was in a different building than the one the student who died attended).  She made a comment about how nonchalant I was about it all.  Well, yes, I learned to be that way, otherwise I never would have been able to survive losing my daughter!!  It made me feel bad - why wasn't I crying?  I was upset on the inside, yet wasn't showing it on the outside.

Today I was at the building that student attended.  I had to go into her classroom to work with other students.  It hit me then.  I'd never see her face again.  It felt like something was missing.  She was.

Later that day, I heard her obituary was online.  And that a 6 year old girl had died in a car accident, and her obtituary was also posted.  Those things triggered me back to my feelings when my daughter died.  I hate when people say "I can't imagine."  I can.  I should start saying that out loud.

So then I went to pick my kids up and Coen was at the sand box, not only covered in sand but also eating it.  Gross.  I HATE sand.  And then multiple times people made the comment of "He's a boy, that's what boys do."

I HATE that comment as much as I hate sand!!  First of all, it isn't an excuse to act stupidly, or aggressively, just because you are a boy.  Second, that comment reminds me of how I felt when I found out Adelyn was a girl - relieved I would not have to deal with all those yucky boy things.

But here I am, dealing with them after all.  Don't get me wrong, I love my son.  I just don't love everything that comes with having a son.  Dirt, sports, independence, activeness, etc.  Hearing that comment, I think that if Adelyn had lived, I wouldn't have to deal with those things.  And then I instantly feel guilty because had she lived, I wouldn't have Coen and I can't imagine my life without him.

I guess things don't really change that much after all.  I just hate the guilt I feel when it comes to Adelyn and Coen.  I just wish I could have them both.

How Things Can Change in 2.5 years

Today marks 2 and a half years since Adelyn died.

I promise I wasn't sitting around, looking at dates, waiting for this day.  I had just been thinking about how next month Sierra turns 5 and Coen turns 18 months, they are exactly 3.5 years apart.  Since Adelyn was born a month before Coen, and on the 29th of the month, I sort of put two and two together and realized that today she would have been 2 and a half.  Not that 2 and a half is really a significant date to celebrate in a child's life.  After 18 months, those "half" birthdays aren't really a big deal.  No half year check ups, and after 2 I stopped getting professional pictures done as often.

However, I got to thinking......2 and a half sort of IS a big deal to me.  Why?  Because that is just about the exact age Sierra was when Adelyn was born/died.

I remember Sierra so clearly at that age - how she was the only thing that got me to smile.  I remember her running out of the bathtub one night, maybe a week after Adelyn died, and shaking her hips at me, saying "Mommy, I'm maked" (that's how she said naked for a long time, so cute).  It may have been the first time I truly laughed - how could you not?

Yet, a lot of that time in Sierra's life is a blur to me.  It's hard to look back at pictures of her that age,  because it reminds me of how much I was hurting.  It's so hard.....I want to remember those precious moments with her, and there were many.  I was well aware how precious they were, more than I ever had been.  But on the other hand, I want to forget that time in my life.   The crying in the car, the aching arms, the emptiness, the search for answers, how I mad the lyrics in every song I heard somehow relate to Adelyn, the pain in my heart when I saw sisters, the jealousy every time I heard someone else was having a girl, the guilt in my choices during my pregnancy......those things I'd like to forget.  But I can't.

And so tonight, I just feel emotional.  I can't explain it.  My mind is thinking about so many things.  Yes, I'm thinking about and missing Adelyn.  I do that every day.  But tonight I am thinking a lot about how fast time is going.  2.5 years since Adelyn's heart last beat.....and next month my big girl turns 5.  This is probably what Adelyn would look like if she was here today:

This is Sierra at 2.5.  I remember this being a favorite photo of mine.  I remember sending a thank you e-mail to coworkers right before I went back to work.  I couldn't bear to write out thank you cards, so I sent an e-mail.  Since I didn't have a baby to send pictures of, I attached some of Sierra and this was one of them.  I still remember that.

My, how much has changed in 2.5 years.  Sierra looks like a toddler in that picture.  Now she is definitely a little girl.  I don't even want to think about how different things will be in another 2.5 years.  She won't want to hold my hand when we walk down the street anymore.  She'll probably call me "Mom" and not "Mommy."   I wonder if she will still think what I say is the most important thing in the world. Right now, I often hear her telling her dad, "But Mommy said I have to do this." Every  night when I tuck her into bed, she quietly says, "But Mommy, you don't want to lay with me for a little bit?"  Sometimes I just want to go watch TV or do something for myself, but in that moment, I stop and think about how someday I will have all the time in the world and will long to hear that little voice ask me to lay with her, so I stay and I hold on to her tightly until she falls asleep.

Today I tried to put Coen down for a nap without rocking him. He screamed until I caved, about 30 minutes later.  I picked him up, and he fell right asleep on me.  I wondered why I worried about the 15 extra minutes it takes to rock him to sleep, when in 2.5 years he will be way too big to hold like that.  And then I wanted to sit there and hold him for his entire nap.

Time.....it goes so fast.  2.5 years ago, I never could have imagined I'd be where I am today.  Happy, smiling, the mother of a boy ;)   But here I am - trying to cherish every moment along the way.  You just never know what tomorrow will bring.

Cuteness Overload

My kid is so cute I can't stand it.  I really forgot just how cute and fun this age is, but oh my do I love it.  Makes me want to quit my job and just stay home and watch him all day.  I would never tire of it.  I want to soak it all in before it's gone.

So you wonder what does he do that has me gushing?

His daddy showed him this silly picture of a frog smiling in one of his board books.  He will turn the pages until he finds it, then squeal in delight every time.  It is beyond cute.

He really loves to press buttons on things to hear music.  After he does it, each time he will start to "dance" with a big smile on his face.

Then there is his mad face - he started walking around sticking his lips out and breathing really hard through his nose like he is smelling something.

He has also discovered the TV, and loves Thomas (why I am not sure - I find it so boring).  Every time we turn on the TV, points to it and says "choo choo".

Then there are the new words emerging every day - my personal favorite is probably still "naNA" for banana (he stresses the second syllable and for some reason I find it so cute).  He sometimes calls me "mee mee" - I can't figure out what else it means.  Other new words - boo (book), koo-koo (cookie), no, choo choo, ball, baby.....that's all I can think of right now.

Words can't express how much I am loving my little man right now.  I'm so thankful that this time, I was given the priveledge to watch my baby grow.  It is SO much fun, especially when you truly understand the gift it is.  Until you lose that opportunity with one of your children, I don't think you can truly understand how special this feels to me.

Growing Up

My baby is growing up and tonight I am just not ok with it.

It's hard, letting go.  And my goodness he is only 17 months old (today!) - but he is no longer a baby, he is definitely a toddler. It's going by way too fast.

There are so many reasons, so many factors involved, but I feel like I am taking him growing up so much harder than I did with Sierra.

One reason is, he is my last baby, so I know I will never get to experience all the wonders of babies and toddlers again.  This is a fun, adorable age right now, but it's the last time I get to experience it.  When Sierra was this age, I assumed I would get to do it again, and I was also very naive about life.

Another reason is, I went through so much to have Coen.  I did not bond with him at all until he was born, and I still feel guilty about that.  However, because of losing Adelyn and his emotionally difficult pregnancy, I definitely understood more how precious every moment is and cherished them way more than I did with Sierra.

Random reason....but I also feel like Coen growing up is harder because he is a boy.  How long is it going to be before he prefers doing boy stuff with daddy to me?  Then I see so many men - my own husband included - who rarely call their mothers.  I know that part is way in the future, but I do think about it.  It would break my heart if Coen treated me that way.

Some days, I still wonder if I was cut out to be the mom of a boy.  It's hard for me, in a lot of ways.  I worried before he was born, but turns out having a boy baby was no different than a girl baby, except you got peed on.  But as he gets bigger, it most certainly changes.  I worry that I won't be able to relate to him, like I do with Sierra.  She is just like me, so it's easy for me to understand her.  Boys are SO different!

I'm in a funky, sort of sad mood tonight.  I guess it's a good time to share a new picture of my handsome little guy, looking so grown up....

Disney on Ice

I know I've been MIA, life has been busy to say the least.  There is so much I want to do, and so many times something has happend that I have wanted to blog about.  I just don't have time.  I know someday I will have all the time in the world when my kids are grown, and so I am really just trying to enjoy them now while they are little.  It's so hard to balance it all.

Sierra and I did have a much needed "girls day" and went to Disney on Ice.  She's been very into princesses and fairires lately.  Her face lit up every time the ad come on TV.  I wish we could actually go to Disney, she is at the perfect age I think, but her brother is NOT.  That is one downfall of having your kids a bit farther apart.

Sierra wasn't herself the whole day, so I was disappointed a little because it didn't seem like she was as excited as she had been.  Turns out she got sick that night after she went to bed, so I guess she wasn't feeling well most of the weekend.

I don't have time to write anything inspiring or dig down deep, although I would like to but sleep and relaxing are more important right now.  I did want to share this picture I took from the Disney on Ice show we went to:

The sky lanterns - my favorite part of the Tangled movie.  They remind me of Adelyn.  I took a few pictures of Sierra all dressed up as Belle, but I can't take a picture of my 2nd daughter enjoying Disney on Ice with us, as she would have been this year at almost 2 1/2 years old.  I have to settle on taking pictures of things that remind me of her.  This is one of few pictures I took of the actual show.  So beautiful.

Just a little something to show you how my mind works - she is NEVER far from my thoughts.