So, today it has been exactly two months since that tragic day. "The day" as it will forever be known. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to say the date, or say "the day Adelyn died." I don't like to speak those words out loud. I guess it makes them more real.
Surprisingly, today was not that bad. I am still on Thanksgiving break, so I guess it's good that I didn't have to go to work. And thinking ahead, I will also be off for Christmas break on the three month mark. Nice to know in case it happens to be a bad day.
Anyway.......back to today. Sierra had her Christmas pictures at Olan Mills. They were running late - of course - so we walked around and shopped (it's inside Kmart). At one point "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" was playing and it made me so sad. I don't know what it is about that song. I found the Dora Super Babies book that I thought was no longer in print, so I was happy about that. Sierra LOVES that book. Then I found a Christmas Dora giant coloring page book - and she's totally into coloring and Dora right now, and really likes the big pages. As I'm typing this I just had a flashback to the very first set of Dora giant coloring pages that my cousin bought for Sierra. It was "before" and the idea was to entertain her while I was taking care of the new baby. I hate how those fleeting sad moments pop into my head at random times :( So, back to the present, I also found a roll of Dora posters to color - 25 feet! Had to get that, too! Not that Sierra needs any more presents - but these things entertain her. The book and Christmas coloring pages I am just going to give her now to keep her busy. The roll will go into her stocking. I just really don't care about spoiling her right now. It's like I have all this love saved up for Adelyn, but she isn't here to receive it in the way I know how to give it, so I just end up giving it all to Sierra. Or at least trying to.
Sierra did such a good job with the pictures. What a difference 7 months makes. Her 2 year pictures were hard! So many turned out good, and a good chunk of change later, I made my final decisions. I ordered montage prints for my parents and in-laws, and one for us, along with some sheets of different poses, and then they conned me into the disc for an extra $20. I sort of regret that, but at least I can use the pictures for my Christmas cards now and I won't have to stress about getting her to pose for a picture in front of our tree. Although she may actually pose now, which makes me happy :) Did I mention I love pictures?
After the pictures we shopped some more. I decided to "sponsor" an angel and picked a 3 month old baby girl. I thought I could pretend I was shopping for Adelyn. So I got her a glow worm today. I want to get her a toy cell phone, except it has to be pink, and they didn't have a pink one. So to Toys R Us I will go! I am also including 2 onesies that I had bought for Adelyn and even though they still have tags, I cannot return them. I'd like another baby to get to wear them. I did keep a few things of Adelyn's that are sentimental - like the outfit she was going to wear to come home in and her little sister onesie - but most I returned if I could, and a lot of the clothes were Sierra's anyway. As mentioned earlier, I think I will have a boy if there is a next time, so I don't want to hold on to the girl stuff. Besides, even if we did have a girl, we didn't need the new clothes I bought. You should see Sierra's closet. Some day I will post a picture of it!
So, after Kmart we went to the library and got more books, then grocery store to pick up a few things I forgot. I actually made it until this point without crying. I don't know how. It wasn't until I read an e-mail that the tears finally came - but not as bad as it has been. I feel strangely uplifted today. Not sure why. I have been trying really hard to think about what I have, not what I don't have. Plus Sierra just made it really a hard for me to be sad today. She was giving me hugs and kisses while we were shopping. And she just might be the cutest little girl ever. Just wait till I post her Christmas pictures!
I definitely had flashes of the past - while cooking dinner I noticed the clock say 5:46 and that's when Adelyn was born. At this point I then avoided the clock because obviously I knew that 6:04 was coming (the time they prounounced her). The next time I looked at the clock it was about 6:10 and I did for a second start to think back to how we were feeling two months ago. I guess now I am better at quickly redirecting my mind away from those thoughts. I am not sure if that is what I should be doing? Should I let myself think them and be upset, allow myself to grieve? Or should I push them away and keep busy so that I can function? I think some things I just need time to process, and I think about them over and over again, then after awhile I am sort of "ok" with them.
Happy 2 months in heaven, Adelyn. It comforts me to know there are so many other wonderful angel babies up there for you to play with. I just wish their mommies and daddies didn't have to hurt so much in order for that to happen. We love you, baby girl!
1 week ago