Sunday, January 1, 2012


I wanted to write this post on the last day of 2011, but I never got to it.  I only missed it by 30 minutes or so!

I'm not sure how I feel about the year 2011.  I guess if I had to describe it in one word, it would be bittersweet.  To say it was the hardest year of my life would be an understatement.  Yes, 2010 was difficult because my baby died that year.  But she also lived that year - the first 9 months of 2010 were some of the best of my life, at least at the time.  Now those moments that brought me so much joy make my heart sink when I think of them.

2011 however - the first entire calendar year without Adelyn.  She never lived at all this year.  But she did live in my heart and in so many others' hearts as well.

Grieving Adelyn while being pregnant with Coen - I can't even desribe how hard that was for me.  Everything about my pregnancy with Coen felt so bittersweet.  Ultrasounds, doctors telling me everything looked perfect, nonstress tests, even maternity clothes.  They all brought back memories of Adelyn.  They reminded me of how naive and happy I was when I was pregnant with her, and how I did NOT feel that way this time.  And then I felt guilty about how I was feeling, and also about having another baby so soon.  I felt like once I had another baby, everyone would forget Adelyn.

And so all those emotions going through my head, not to mention the physical discomfort of back to back pregnancies, the hormones - it was a tough year.

2011 was full of hurt and pain, but also hope and healing.

2011 also brought probably the greatest moment of my life - seeing Coen for the first time, hearing him cry, holding him, finally allowing myself to love him.

The same year that  brought some of the most difficult moments of my life, also gave me one of the best moments.  Go figure.  That's why 2011 will always be very bittersweet for me.

Here's to 2012 - hoping it brings us more sweet and less bitter moments.  Although I know there will always be bittersweet moments in our lives, as we continue moving forward, living - but remembering our sweet baby girl who isn't here with us at the same time.  Maybe the new year will help us learn how to balance it all even better. That's a tough task.

Something about New Year's makes me miss Adelyn more.  Maybe holding it together through Christmas, maybe another year passing since I held her, I don't know.  I thought about her all day today, and missed her. 

Happy New Year Adelyn!  Every new year is one year closer to holding you again in Heaven.  We love you baby girl.


Melissa said...

there is something about new years, another marker of time without our babies. I like your way of thinking year closer to holding them again.

TanaLee Davis said...

I love this picture of you and Coen. So sweet and heartwarming. I can't wait to continue to see what life will bring you and your family as each year passes. Though this year has brought you hurt im happy to see it also healed you in ways. I'm happy to know that your looking forward to 2012 too. hugs mama-

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