Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Random Thoughts

So many random thoughts are going through my mind tonight.  A sign I need to blog.  Life has been so busy and I am always too exhausted.

Coen decided to finally wean himself this week.  I knew it was coming, and I knew it was time.  I had planned to go through winter to help with immunities, then decided I would go through till my summer break.  Somehow weaning him when I get to spend all day with him seemed easier.  But, he did it himself.  I can't believe I will never breastfeed again.  I wish I could always have a baby in my house, I don't want them to grow up!

I've been thinking a lot about Adelyn lately.  I mean I always do, but a few things have happened.  When others are pregnant with their 3rd baby, it gets to me.  Especially if they have all girls.  I am jealous, they get to have another baby.  Yet, I don't actually want to get pregnant and try for 3rd living baby.  I guess I am deep down just a bit jealous they get to (most likely) keep all 3 of their children.  And, when it's all girls, it just takes me back to that time in my life when I thought I would have all (2) girls, and then after Adelyn died I prayed and hoped for another girl (but deep down I knew I would have a boy).  I think seeing another family get this, when I didn't, just reminds me of my shattered hopes and dreams.

However, I would NEVER trade Coen in a million years.  NEVER.  That boy has me wrapped around his finger.  He has started giving me kisses.....sweetest thing ever.

Interesting that the other day at work, we were talking about this book where a deadly disease comes through and only one blood type could heal it.  And in the book, the woman's child is found to have that blood type and she is asked to sacrifice her son for the better of mankind.  Could I do could I knowing the pain of losing a child?  Yet, that is essentially what Jesus did for us.  Then the conversation moved into this deep conversation about God and why bad things happen especially to innocent kids.  It's hard to think that God had this plan, and would choose for children to die.  I honestly don't know if I believe that, but I do believe God is there to see us through the tough times.  Then we started talking about Adelyn.  My friends' kids are the same exact age as my living kids, except she was 2 boys.  And that is hard for her, to never have a daughter.  We started talking about all kinds of things, and then she asked me if I ever resented Coen.  I love having conversations that are so deep that we can talk  honestly about our feelings.  I think she meant how you struggle before your second child is born. Things are wonderful, why go and change them?  I so felt that way, especially because I felt like I had just gotten used to the idea of the 3 of us again, after losing Adelyn, that I wondered why I wanted to change things again.  But, she also could have been asking if I ever resented Coen for not being Adelyn, for being a boy and not the girl I hoped for.  And the answer to that is easy....NO.  Not once since I laid eyes on him did I ever feel anything but love and thankfulness for him.

Later that night, I was reading a post from someone who recently lost a daughter, also at 41 week, and also had a 2.5 year old older child, and the baby died during labor, which is close to what happed with Adelyn.  I could feel she needed someone to listen, and tell her it would be ok.  And so I wrote a few messages to her, and she responded thanking me for giving hope.  It felt so good to be able to do that for someone.  Thank you Adelyn.  After chatting, we became friends on Facebook so I was  looking through her photos.  I felt her pain, and my pain all over again, looking at the nursery she created but never got to use.  Why did I do that to myself?  I had to, because I know how important it was for me to share my love for Adelyn and also my pain.  As I was looking through her photos, I saw an album of newborn pictures titled "Adalyn".  Wow.  Small world.  The photos were of a baby she photographed.  My heart kinda dropped when I saw it.

Whew......what a roller coaster of emotions the past few days.  Time for bed!

Monday, May 6, 2013


 My big girl turned 5 two weeks ago already!.  It's been a busy two weeks so I am just now getting to write about it.

It's hard to believe it's been 5 years since I became a mommy.  Things have changed so much since the day Sierra was born.  We've been through a lot.  I am defintely not the same innocent, naive mommy I was when I was pregnant with her and during her delivery and even during the first 2.5 years of her life.

But, I'm glad I got to experience that pure, unmasked joy of pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  Those who lose their first child never get to have that.  It's precious, being able to enjoy all those things without the worry of something happening like with Coen, or something really happening like with Adelyn.  I mean, I am sure many pregnant women worry a bit about something going wrong, but I don't think they really think it could happen to them like those of us who have had it happen.

Turning five is a big deal.  Sierra is officially registered for Kindergarten -yikes.  I'm not sure I am ready to entrust her to complete strangers.  I mean, I should trust them because I do work for the same school district as she will attend, so I know we have great teachers.  It's just not the same as having your neighbor, who knows your story, and has known your child since she was a baby, be the one taking care of your child.  It's letting go, a lot.  I'm not ready to let go, and I'm not ready for her to grow up.  And I'm really not ready for the attitude that my friends have all warned me comes after going to school.  I think she has enough of one already.

I still get e-mails from Babycenter, and even to this date read them because they are usually helpful.  Just yesterday I got one and it is now from "your big kid this week."  The first line of the e-mail says "welcome to the big kid years." MY kid, a big kid?  How can it be?  She's still that big eyed baby they put in my arms 5 years ago.....isn't she?

Sierra had a pretty good birthday.  On her actual birthday, she got to wear her new Tinkerbell tutu dress and take cupcakes to her friends.
We went to Red Robin for dinner at her request and she picked out a huge piece of ice cream cake for us all to share. She opened her presents from us when we got home.
We had a roller skating party the following Sunday, and everyone had fun.  It was hectic, but something seemed a bit off with the workers.  First, there were TONS of people working.  Later one of them told my mom that the owner's daughter had passed away suddenly the night before.  I didn't know details, like how old she was (later I found out she was maybe 40), but it distracted me.  All I could think of was their pain, what they must be feeling, and plus it was a rainy day so that didn't help.  Figures something like that would happen at our party, of all people.  I guess friends were gathering there to support her, she of course had to carry on with scheduled events at her business the day after her daughter died.  That is strength......
I have been experimenting with subway art lately, so I made this one for Sierra's 5th birthday.  It captures her at this age so well!
Happy Birthday to my biggest.  Now stop growing up on me, 5 is an amazing age!