It's been awhile - almost a whole week. So many times this week I have started posts in my head, but lately I have just been so exhausted that I can't find the time or energy to write. In the past, the blog won out over TV, but lately I have been needing to relax a little so I have been choosing to catch up on my DVR instead of blog. I guess this is a good sign - I do love TV and I didn't watch it for proably two months after Adelyn died. I just had no interest. I am still so behind - I think I have 6 epsidoes of Brothers and Sisters (among others) on my DVR to watch!
I think I have written in the past about how at my work, bulletins are posted when there is a birth or death for any family member in the district. It's posted right by where you sign in and out. Today there were TWO death announcements. I hate seeing them, and everyone always comments about how they don't like them either. Truth is, right now my heart sinks a little more when I see a birth announcement. Especially a baby girl, which I think every single birth announcement since I have been back from my leave has been. I really hate that birth announcements make me sadder than death announcements. I remember last year when one of the employees at Central Office lost her healthy 18 year old daughter in a car accident. That one made my heart sink VERY low. I remember thinking, wow, I just can't even imagine. I didn't even know this woman personally, but my heart broke for her. Little did I know about a year later, we would have a conversation through e-mail about losing our daughters.
Anyway, back to today. I also found out that a 3rd grade student lost her grandmother yesterday. Not quite so out of the ordinary, right? But there is more to the story. The little girl lives with her grandmother, because her mom is in jail and I'm not sure if anyone knows her father's whereabouts. This girl has some issues - she's just a strange little kid. She means well, is very sweet, but it's just a fact that she is odd. I had tested her last year for speech, but she didn't need it - so I know of her. Apparently, she went in and found her grandmother dead, but I guess either blocked it out, didn't know what to do, or didn't realize she was dead. The next morning I guess she went to the neighbors' house and said she missed the bus, can you take me to school? Someone had to call CYS, because this was her only family. Tthere is a cousin or someone that was going to take her and was approved by CYS. I'm not sure if this is permanent though. The little girl was at school today, because they felt it was better than having her around while arrangements were made. Everyone was talking about it, and the guidance counselor was there all day for her if she needed her (she usually is not there the days I am there because we share a room). They said every now and again she would just start saying "I miss my grandma." My heart broke, because I can relate. And because no 10-year-old little girl should have to know this pain, live this life full of grief. Especially this little girl - hasn't she been through enough as it is?
Of course the topic of conversation at lunch was whether she should have been at school today and everyone shared experiences of death and their children - mostly when their children lost grandparents, that they did send them to school while arrangements were made. Then everyone started talking about all the things you have to do, how crazy it is, and how children just handle things differently. Of course my mind went to Sierra, wondering what she thought those days because she was there through it all. And then the topic of grief came up, and how this little girl seemed okay now but it just may hit her hard later and how you just never know. The whole time I just sat and listened, and really did not want to be a part of a conversation about funerals and death. But when this came up, I had to chime in. There is another teacher that eats lunch with me who also lost a child - her teenage son died a few years ago. We have talked a few times about it, she has offered to listen and be there for me whenever. So I looked at her and just said, well I know and you know, that grief is unpredictable and you never know when it will pop back up or what will cause it to pop back up, but it will. She looked at me and said "you got that." I can't remember if it was before or after this that she shared that this weekend is the "anniversary." I instantly knew what she meant. Sigh. She and her family will be on my heart and in my prayers this weekend.
The sad thing is there was another student whose 30 year old father died a few weeks ago, and a student at another school lost his mother last week. Why? Children should not have to experience this.
What I realized after this day was over, was really how blessed I am. I watched my husband and Sierra sing and dance to "If You're Happy and You Know It." The big smile on her face says it all. My kid is so happy. She doesn't know any of the struggles that some kids her age have already faced. She doesn't even realize the sadness the rest of us do about her little sister. She knows she has a sister and that "she is in heaven up in the sky with Jesus." It's not sad to her, it just IS.
Three deaths happened between yesterday and today. Three more families are struggling right now. Let's hope it stops there as long as possible. I don't want anyone else joining the "grief club." Please send your prayers out to these families tonight.
1 week ago