Tuesday, July 26, 2011

After Effects

It's the day after a pregnancy check up and, as usual, I find myself missing my baby girl terribly. Why does this always happen the day after I have an appointment? I just want HER. Right now, I don't want to be pregnant again or go through labor and delivery again. I don't want to be worrying about c-sections again. I want to be worrying about my 10 month old meeting her milestones - would she be crawling, pulling up, getting teeth? I want to be comparing when she did these things to when her big sister did them- would they be similar or opposite?

Last night a quote from a TV show stood out to me - I can't remember it word for word, but it went something like "Stop wishing, because a wish is just wanting something to be different than what it is." Isn't that the truth.....

I always thought wishing for things was a way to motivate me, to keep me going. But now that I can't have what I wish for, I guess maybe it's time to stop wishing. Or find something else to wish for. But I don't know because I will never wish for anything more than for September 29, 2010 to have ended with a screaming, healthy baby girl to bring home and love.

Monday, July 25, 2011


So today we had the follow up ultrasound that the MFM (specialist) recommended to check growth. Not that there were concerns, it is just part of the extra monitoring we are getting. I think the whole reasoning behind that is to make ME feel better, as the doctors said I am not really "high risk" just more high maintenance, for lack of a better way to put it. Meaning, I will probably be more worried and require more of their time, but there is no reason to think this pregnancy is at a higher risk of something going wrong than anyone else's. Especially since all has been good so far.

Well, really I am not sure this extra monitoring helps ME one bit. I think it may actually make it worse. It seems after every appointment I have, I leave feeling sad. Even when they say, "all is perfect" and answer any questions I have. Same thing today. The tech had no idea why we were there, she thought it was the regular anatomy scan. So we said, no we already had that, but we had it at the MFM. So then she starts asking why, was there a problem, why did you see a specialist? Grrrrr..... You should think it would be in my chart but NOPE. So of course we had to tell the story. Ugh. It should be in there to save us that awkward moment. I'm going to have to call and complain to my dr. about this. She seems to be the only one who gets things done for me!

So baby is still breech, has been -at least I think- since my ultrasound at 18 weeks. I'm completely freaked out by this. I knew he/she was - because it feels just like how Adelyn felt - her head was right under my ribs and she would push it out and it was SO uncomfortable. I do not remember that at all with Sierra. I just remember her kicking the heck out of my ribs, especially at the end! Anway, I know it is still early but I have this sinking feeling I am going to be in the same situation as with Adelyn. I've been feeling it for awhile now, dreading it, scared to death. Usually my instinct has been right in pregnancy about these types of things.

So what am I supposed to do? I am SO SO afraid of a c-section. Obviously, because last time I chose to do the version to turn Adelyn. And now I'm afraid of either option. I don't want to be cut open. I feel like my oldest daughter has been jipped of her mommy - I've been pregnant for most her life since her first 15 months, let's face it. And when you are pregnant, you are not your normal self, physically you can't do a lot of things and emotionally you lack patience and are moody. So I don't want to be hurting and not able to do much at all with her for a few weeks. And I don't want to have my arms be strapped to a table and not be able to hold my baby right away. Yet, I'm afraid to choose another version should I need to make that kind of decision. Because I really think turning Adelyn played a big part in her dying, causing a kink in her cord that slowly cut off her oxygen supply, but never completely, because she always had a heartbeat, but enough to cause brain damage and not let her breathe on her own at birth or be able to be revived. I know her cord had two vessels so it was probably more susceptible to that damage (a risk that was NEVER mentioned to us and blown off). This baby's cord is normal. And what happened to Adelyn, again, I think was a series of events that happened exactly how they needed to for that outcome to happen, so that same sort of thing happening again is SO rare, it was rare to happen in the first place.

And then it really goes back to guilt. I know I will be a mess and bitter if I have to do a c-section. First of all, because it's not what I want. This whole past year has not been what I want. When do I get what I want? And because I feel like if I had done it last time, Adelyn would be here. And so if I make a different decision this time, I feel guilty that this baby gets a chance and she didn't. Like that's my fault. But then I feel guilty that I feel that way towards this baby. Ahhhh.....

I know people are going to say c-sections aren't that bad and whatever it takes to get baby here safe. I know this. But it's just WAY more complicated for me. I NEED to have my happy ending, and so far a lot of how I imagined this pregnancy is NOT how it really is. So please, I just NEED to have the birth experience I want. I want to be able to hold my baby right away, I have never gotten to do this. Sierra had meconium so they had to take her and check her before I got to hold her. It wasn't long, but still. Of course, Adelyn was in bad shape when she came out - she also had meconium so at first I thought that was the problem. I didn't get to hold her until after she was gone (even then I don't really remember it anyway). I just want this baby to be born, cry really loud, and get to come right to my arms before anyone else gets to hold him/her. I don't think that's too much to ask.

So please, I ask for prayers that baby ends up turning head down in the next few weeks. I know that is usually when it happens. Then the decisions are made for me and life will be good.

Here is a picture from today:

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Thoughts of my Head Tonight

As I sit here, looking at Adelyn's picture on my blog, all I can think about is how babies just shouldn't die. Look at that sweet face. It's just not right.

The other thing running through my head is WHEN? I keep thinking about little rainbow baby and when he/she is going to be born. In some ways, I want him/her out NOW. I'm so done - if I do the math, I have been pregnant about 20 out of the past 28 months of my life, including every month of the summer except June of 2009 (found out I was pregnant around July 4th in 2009, found out it wasn't a viable pregnancy near the end of August, January-September 2010=Adelyn, February-Oct 2011=rainbow baby). Yikes. Another reason is I have to go back to work Decebmer 9th to keep my health insurance, since I will not be going back this school year. It's just too much for me. So the sooner the baby is here, the more time I get with a baby before I go back. I don't worry so much about leaving him/her, since Sierra's babysitter will be watching the baby also and she rocks. It's just what if I get a horrible sleeper and am up all night and then have to get up and go to work? I know nothing about that, Sierra was a VERY easy baby. She slept through the night at 6 weeks without a problem from then on, even when teething. And I truly believe we are getting paybacks with her potty training issues now. That will be another post - but believe me, it's coming soon.

But then, if I go sooner, I run into the problem of anniversary dates. Basically I will be 37weeks - full term - right around Adelyn's birthday. I know I won't even think about being induced until it hits October - September is her month. But then there is October 3, the last time I held and saw Adelyn. October 9, the date of her funeral. October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I feel like I wanted September 29-October 15th to be "Adelyn" time. My due date is the 18th. What to do? So many pros and cons to consider.

Right now, this is what I am worrying about - well in terms of this pregnancy anyway. I guess it beats worrying that the baby will live. I don't think that is going to hit me until labor, since that is when things went wrong last time. I can't even think about it, actually.

So that's it for tonight.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Rainbow Baby

And here is the LONG overdue post.

Our rainbow baby is expected to make his/hear entrance into this world on October 18th. Yes, I know I am already 6 months pregnant and I am JUST writing about this. The truth is, I struggled, a LOT with it. I still do. And I wanted to make sure that no one found out about this news via my blog. I wanted to post after our ultrasound, that said baby is looking perfect and so is everything else. But then there always seemed to be something else I wanted to write about, needed to vent about, and I wouldn't be in the mood to share happy news. Today it got to the point where I realize that I NEED to blog about all these feelings and emotions that come along with being pregnant again. The majority of these are because of Adelyn. More to come on that.

But, for those who don't know what the term "rainbow baby" means, I borrowed this from a post on BabyCenter. I think it descrbies it perfectly:
"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
And here are some pictures of Sierra sporting the many rainbow shirts I seemed to have found lately:

And, for those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, please do not post on my wall about it. You can send me private messages, but I am just not wanting to share this journey with everyone. There are many friends who I only talk to on Facebook, who live out of town. When Adelyn died, I had to make an announcement on there telling everyone to stop all the questions about how things went, etc. Even though I truly believe this baby will be born screaming, I just can't bear to take the chance of having to do that again. Thanks!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Unexpected Emotions

Once again, I've started so many posts in my head, but they haven't made it to my actual blog. I guess I've been ok, at least on the outside. Yesterday I had a few sad moments, mostly due to stupid Facebook. I guess in a way I have too much time on my hands, because Sierra was napping and my husband went out for a little bit, and so I was alone. It was too quiet and I didn't have much to do - laundry was done, house was fairly cleaned - I even finally steam cleaned the carpet and couches!! So that always leads to thinking. Yesterday it was going back to last year at this time and how excited we were, and that just makes me sad.

Today we went swimming, it was super hot! It was a nice day. I am exhausted and wanted to relax, so I decided to catch up on TV shows on my DVR. I must have 6 episodes of some shows still on there. I have to admit that I still watch One Tree Hill. The episode I watched tonight just REALLY hit me, very unexpectedly, on so many different emotional levels. In fact, I sat there and cried for the last 15 minutes of it. There were a couple story lines going on, but the two major ones are a couple trying to adopt a baby and another couple expecting a baby girl any day. The first tug on my heart was when the parents-to-be were discussing names for their daughter. It just made me think about last summer and how hard it was for us to come up with a name for Adelyn. Difficult, but fun and exciting. Any time I look back on things like that, that WERE happy, it makes me sad because things didn't work out how we planned and all the preparations were for nothing.

Then they threw a surprise baby shower for the mom-to-be. All pink decorations and such, and pink always makes me think of Adelyn. She was going to be my princess, my girly girl. I never went all out in pink for Sierra because we didn't know she was a girl before she was born. So with Adelyn, I was determined to have fun with all girly stuff. After all, she was supposed to be our last baby. Anyway, the baby shower was given by the expectant mother's little sister. This was the next big tug on my heart. I immediately thought of Sierra, and how HER little sister would never get to throw her a baby shower. I think this is when the tears started. Not so much sadness for myself at this point, but sadness for my daughter, the girl I love most in the world. And that kind of sadness is the worst kind.

Then, the little sister gives her baby brush to her big sister as a present for the baby. It says "my girl" on it. She talks about how her sister was going to love and be a good mother to her new daughter, as much as their mother was to them (their mother had passed away in previous episodes). They show a picture of the mom and the two girls. It made me think of the pictures of me and my two girls that will never be. And of course it made me think of MY mom and how much I love her and how lucky I am to still have her here with me.

Finally, the couple who are trying to adopt - they in the storyline are not able to have kids of their own but want them so badly. So that makes me feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself tonight. There are people in the world who would do anything to have 1 healthy child. Why can't I just SEE what I DO have tonight, and not what I DON'T? Sometimes that is still so hard to do. I want to, I know I should, but very often I cannot and then that leads me to feel guilty about how I do feel.

Nights like these, I really wish I was a man so I could just turn off the switch and fall right to sleep without thinking and thinking and thinking about things I cannot control.........

Saturday, July 2, 2011


Although it isn't July 4th yet, everyone seems to be celebrating tonight. Our neighbors have an annual bash with great fireworks, and the casino right by our house was also lighting off fireworks tonight - which we can see perfectly from our house.

BUT - tonight didn't seem to go as planned and I sit here frustrated and feeling sad about what might have been.

We went to dinner for my cousin's birthday, which was fun. Then we went to their house afterwards for ice cream cake - yum. Sierra always has fun there with their 4 kids and especially jumping on their trampoline. I wanted to leave in time to get home and watch the fireworks from our house and walk over to the neighbors' party so Sierra could run around with her buddy like last year. Apparently, so did Trevor but somehow we ended up staying later than either of us wanted. So the fireworks started and we watched them at my cousin's house and then they started lighting off theirs and I was ready to go. Apparently, Trevor had been ready to go an hour sooner and was annoyed and so decided to make me wait since I had made him wait. I HATE when he acts all stubborn like that. As I result, both of us were cranky and frustrated and blaming the other for not leaving earlier.

As I sat there watching the boys go crazy about fireworks (and REALLY wanting to go home), my mind couldn't help but wander. I thought about two years ago at this time. It was when I thought I might be pregnant, days before I found out. Of course that pregnancy only made it till about 10 weeks, but I did spend all of July feeling sick and half of August thinking I was still pregnant. Last summer, it was hot and I was very pregnant, thinking I was bringing home a baby girl in 2 months. But that didn't happen either. So frustrating.

Then I looked at Sierra, wearing her "Mommy's little sparkler" shirt I bought last year. I remember being excited about something saying Mommy on it for girls - usually it says Daddy. So I bought it and a matching onesie for Adelyn to wear. I remember wondering if I should buy 6-9 months or 12 months, and when 6-9 was all I could find, I worried it would be too small. Ha - if only that was my problem this year.

And then all the firworks reminded me of the Katy Perry song, "Firework."

That song used to give me so much HOPE, especially the part about after a hurricane, comes a rainbow. But tonight it made me sad, once again thinking about what could have been but isn't.