Monday, May 30, 2011

8 Months

Yesterday marked Adelyn's 8th month in Heaven. It felt like just another day, probably because the last week or so has just been a string of really emotional, sad, tearful days. I guess just because it was the 29th day of the month didn't make it any different because the truth is, I have thought about Adelyn just about every moment of every day. Every single time I allow my mind to wander, to think, it has gone to Adelyn. Second guessing EVERY decision I have made the past 9 months. Wishing with every single breath I take that she was here, that things were different, that this wasn't my life. In a way I feel like I am living in the past, in the what "should have been" instead of looking towards the future and what is going to be. I don't want what is going to be though - I want what "should have been." I feel kind of lost - I don't want to feel this way, but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I just don't know.

Yesterday I went shopping with a cousin. Ok, technically she is engaged to my cousin-in-law of sorts, but we grew up together and so I consider him family, and her as a cousin also. It was nice to get away, without the kids, and hang out. It's very rare to do this actually. But of course I felt quilty because my husband was home digging up the grass to get it ready to install a walkway from the porch steps in the 90 degree weather. Ah, the guilt never escapes me, but that could be post in itself.

We went to the outlets and it is such a great place to shop for kids. My daughter's entire wardrobe comes from there - Gap Outlet, Old Navy, Children's Place, Carter's and Gymboree Outlet. One thing I have noticed is that the Gymboree Outlet carries the line from the previous year at the regular Gymboree store. So, while we were shopping - I tried not to look at the baby girl section but when you have a toddler girl it's almost impossible as they are always right next to each other- I saw it. The dress I fell in love with last year and already picked out as Adelyn's first birthday dress. Pink and brown and ruffles. So adorable - I saw it online last year and decided I would see if the outlet store carried it this year to get for her. Obviously I don't need the dress and more than likely never will need another dress for a baby girl. My heart sank. Another reminder. Here's a picture of it, so I can share the dress with you, since I won't be able to put my baby girl in it on her first birthday.

Today I checked my e-mail and I got one from Carter's - while browing their site I guess I accidentally put something in my shopping cart yesterday and it sent me one reminding me of what I "left behind." The e-mail contained this picture:

Really? Of all outfits, they had to send a cute little girl in a "little sister" shirt? Do they have any idea how many of these I have folded in drawers, waiting for a baby girl to wear them? Do they know how much I looked forward to all the big sister/little sister stuff?

Today we went swimming at my aunt's house. Sierra had a blast, and it felt good to get out of this heat. A comment made by my aunt (referring to my niece who is 19 months) "What a difference a year makes." Don't I know it. A year ago, I was a different person, excited about the future. This year, I'm still excited about the future, but mostly only what involves Sierra -although as any parent can understand, watching her grow up it bittersweet. But in a lot of ways, I want a do over. I want to redo the past year and have it turn out differently. And I can honestly say that is the ONLY year of my life I would ever want to change.

So I guess my big thought for the 8 month mark is "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Because SO much has happened and changed since September 29th. But at the same time, it has stayed the same. I still miss Adelyn more with each passing day. I still wish I could change what happened. I still wish that she was here with us. I know that will NEVER change, but maybe someday it won't consume my thoughts. That day doesn't seem to be coming soon though.

I love you baby girl!

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." ~Helen Keller

Monday, May 23, 2011

Out of Tears

Today was a very emotional day. I had been pretty happy but tonight it all came crashing down. I couldn't hold it back and a meltdown it became. I couldn't even hold it back/stop when Sierra appeared next to me. She got all concerned about why I was crying, was rubbing my hair and asking why I was sad. And I didn't have the heart to lie to her, or to let her think that I was upset with her or that she did something. So I told her "Mommy's sad because she misses your baby sister." And she kinda of said "aw, but she's not here." And tried to make me feel better, which usually only she has the power to do. But tonight even that didn't do the trick.

It got me to thinking about Sierra and how unfair this is. I know it stinks for us, but this innocent little girl not only lost her little sister, but part of her mommy died with Adelyn, too. I'm just not the same mommy/person I used to be. I wish I could say this loss has made me a better mom, allowed me to appreciate her more. I can't honestly say that because it's made me have less patience and more sadness. So tonight, as I type through the many tears that have fallen, I find that I long to have the "old me" back just as much as I long to have Adelyn back. If only I could wave one of Sierra's wands and make my wishes come true..........

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

More Baby Steps

The past few days have brought more baby steps on the path of healing. Friday my friend had her baby. She is someone I met last year at work and was an unexpected support for me after Adelyn died. Sometimes it was easier for me to communicate via texting, because I didn't have to worry about trying to talk while crying and I always seem to express myself better when writing. Anyway, she told me she was pregnant back in the fall I think. I sort of expected it, and she was so worried about upsetting me. At first I didn't ask many questions to her, but as time went on, I could slowly talk about her pregnancy more and more. She did not know the gender of the baby, which always makes it more exciting. So, Friday she had her scheduled c-section and I was actually excited to hear about a baby's birth. This was the first time since Adelyn died I could honestly say that. I am not sure why - perhaps the way she handled the whole situation, always asking how I was doing and just being very sensitive, and taking an interest in me and my situation. Maybe the fact that she did not know what she was having made it more exciting. Or maybe even the fact that she already had a son made me feel a bit relieved that even if she did have a girl, I wouldn't have to think about or hear about sister stuff. Anyway, she had another boy - I was right in my prediction! The boy trend continues at work now - boy #3 in a row!

Another baby step for me happened today. Maybe this was more like a BIG step. It was a beautiful day, so of course when I went to pick Sierra up all the neighbors were outside. The one neighbor who has the baby girl who was born in December was out. Normally she has her in the stroller with the canopy over her, and she has been sleeping when I go over to pick Sierra up. Today she was in the stroller, but sitting up and awake and alert. I forgot for a minute that she is almost 5 months old now, so starting to do a lot more. I glanced at her, and turned my attention to Sierra and kind of stood with my back towards the baby. I got anxious and kind of started to panic a bit, but it passed. Of course Sierra didn't want to leave, they were having a blast playing outside. So I stood and talked to some of the other mothers. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sierra standing in front of the stroller, touching the baby's feet and playing with her. My heart sank and I may even have sighed out loud. I just tried not to think about it. That little girl LOVES babies more than any other kid on this street, why is she the one whose sister had to die? Anyway, I made it through. And then someone made a comment about how big the baby had gotten and look how cute she is. I really started to panic now. Stay strong I told myself. You will have your turn again. Then I as I was getting ready to leave, I saw the neighbor sitting down, holding the baby and Sierra was standing right there watching. And so I did it - I walked over and actually looked at the baby. I didn't stare, but I stood there and talked to her mom for quite awhile as she was holding her. I didn't focus on the baby, but she was there, I could see her, I could hear her making noises. And I was ok.

For now, those are some big steps for me. Now that I have sort of conquered the one baby girl, guess what is going to happen come Tuesday? Yep, the other one starts back at Sierra's baby-sitter. That's going to be harder, because there are 3 girls and the youngest two are about the same age difference as Sierra and Adelyn. So I am going to try to stay away for awhile, until the excitement dies down some. I know I need to prepare myself for the questions that this will bring from Sierra. They have been coming more and more lately. Last night this was the conversation:
Sierra - "Maddie and Lilly's baby's name is Chloe. She cries. My baby cries too."
Curious as to who she meant, I asked, "What's your baby's name?"
Sierra - "My baby's name is Baby Sister. But she lives really far away and we can't see her. Mommy, can you go get her and bring her back for me?"

This is a new thing - Sierra asking for me to bring her back. I can only imagine how confusing it must be for her. Why isn't her baby sister here and all these other kids' baby sisters are? Moments like this sometimes I wish my kid wasn't so darn smart. Another thing she did last night? She went into the nursery, found a newborn diaper that is still in the diaper stacker, and put it on her baby - perfectly. Then came running downstairs all proudly to show us. She rocked her baby, put her in the doll swing and bouncer, and talked to her so sweetly. Ahhh! It hurts my heart.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

Today was a mix of emotions. It's a familiar feeling these days. I felt joy and overwhelming love for my biggest. I found myself just staring at her a couple times today, in awe of her beauty. Thinking that I can't believe this child is mine. That we made her. It's just so amazing.

Seriously, is that not precious? We got new cell phones last night so she got a hold of my old one and was pretending to call her cousin and make plans to do something. It was too cute.

Then there was the hole in my heart, the emptiness in my arms. When I opened my Mother's Day card, seeing Sierra's name only on it just felt wrong. Like something was missing. Yet people do not sign deceased members of their family on cards. Lately when I have been writing out cards it has felt odd to only have 3 names on them. Why this only recently has been bothering me, I don't know.

We took Sierra and my niece to get their pictures taken today for Mother's Day and in my mind flashed images of 3 little girls in matching dresses and how much harder it would have been to get good pictures. After all, I had a dress that matched theirs ready to go, but I made my mom return it back in October because it was too hard to have around. Adelyn bear did make an appearance in the pictures though.

Also today I felt thankful for my family and of course, especially my mother. I hear so many horror stories of bad childhoods and parents. I am so grateful for my parents and childhood. I wouldn't change a thing, and that's a rare thing to say about anything.

I found this poem today and wanted to share it. Especially to those mothers who do not have a set of arms to give them hugs today.

Mothers Day

by Gwen Flowers

Happy Mothers Day to you,
and may peace fill your heart
as you and your sweet babies spend
this mothers day apart

My thoughts and prayers are with you
on this Mothers Day
for you have seen your hopes and dreams
softly slip away

Happy Mothers Day to you
you deserve nothing less
for you have borne the burden
of loss and emptiness.

You have earned the right to roses
or daisies in chubby hands
but all I can offer to you
is a friend who understands.

There's so much pain and sorrow
when things turn out this way
but we share a special bond
on this special day.

So happy Mothers Day, my friend
may it bring some joy to you
for you have loved that special way
that only mothers do.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

May 7th

One year ago, at about this time, we found out we were having our second daughter. I was all smiles on the way home, already dreaming of all the sister stuff they would do together. I NEVER in my wildest dream expected what actually happened.

Even though Adelyn wasn't technically stillborn, this poem fits.

To A Stillborn Sister

How do you love a person
Who never got to be,
Or try again to see a face
You never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one
Who never got to live,
When there's nothing to feel good about
And nothing to forgive?

I love you, little sister.
You're a person of the wind,
Free to be the memory
Of all that might have been.

I love you, little sister,
My companion of the night,
Wandering through my lonely hours,
Beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before
You ever can be born,
To live the lovely night of life
And never see the dawn?

Ah! My little sister,
You lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain,
And then, like yours, it's done.

I love you, little sister,
Just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
The angel of my tears.

Friday, May 6, 2011

7 months, a week late

Adelyn's 7 months in Heaven date was last Friday, April 29th. While in some ways, it was "just another day" despite the date being the 29th, in other ways I feel like I thought of her more on this month marker. I am not sure how that is possible. I was preoccupied the entire week preparing for Sierra's birthday party the following day, April 30th. Believe me, I went all out for her this year. My feeling was, why not? She is here on Earth with me, so why not give her something extra special? More on that later.

In the midst of last minute party details, decorating, making sure everything made it to the clubhouse where we had the party, I decided that I had to plant seeds TODAY, on her 7 months date. Roses always make me think of her, and I found some perennials called primroses that are pink and perfect. So I bought a mini greenhouse and planted seeds. And as it turned out, I was doing it at the exact time of day that she was born and died. I was very aware of the time for some reason, and kept looking at the clock. I actually saw it read 5:46, her time of birth, and continued planting seeds and checking the clock until it read 6:04, her time of death.

After I finished planting the seeds, I carried the greenhouse upstairs and put it in the nursery, the room that was Sierra's and was going to be Adelyn's. It now houses all the baby stuff, and the clothes are still hung in the closet as they were 7 months ago. But this night, I did something that has not been done since the day I came home from the hospital empty-handed and went in that room to gather things that could be returned. I opened the blind, and let sunshine in it. I put the greenhouse on the floor, so it could get some light but not direct sunlight as the directions stated. I still keep the door shut though. Baby steps.

I wish that instead of planting seeds, I was lugging a heavy 7 month old around as we planned for her big sister's birthday party. I had many times imagined what she would wear to this party, after we found out she was a girl. Should she match Sierra, or not since it was Sierra's day? I guess I never needed to know the answer to that question.

We love you more with each passing breath, sweet Adelyn. I still miss you more than words could ever express. Keep watching over us, baby girl.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


This is a common feeling for me lately. Everything seems to leave me frustated. Potty training, work, the weather, never ending housework.....

Tonight I'm feeling frustrated because I am SO SICK of hearing about someone else having a baby girl. Why does it seem like everyone keeps having girls? Usually it seems like it goes in spurts. Well everyone I know, except for maybe 2 people, has had girls since September. I thought the trend was changing to boys - I know of 4 people having boys between now and August. And then September.....and it's back to LOADS of girls already. That was MY month to have my girl. What it comes down to is I just want Adelyn. And I know I can't have her. So if I can't have her, I'd like to have another little girl for Sierra to grow up with, to wear matching dresses with her like I dreamed, to be her Maid of Honor when she gets married, to gossip on the phone for hours with. I could go on and on. But I feel this overwhelming longing for another daughter, so every time I hear about someone else having one, my heart sinks, breaks, just hurts. I want to know when that is going to go away? I hate this feeling. I want to be happy for them, to tell them how awesome little girls are. To be able to just be thankful that I have one living, breathing, beautiful daughter. But right now I just can't. And I'm very impatient about it.