I have to admit I was kind of dreading the 9 month mark. That means she has been gone as long as she was alive inside me. Well, I guess we still have a week until that time comes, since she was born a week past her due date. But still. How can it be 9 months already?
I am not sure if I wrote in my blog about holding my first baby since Adelyn - I think I was so busy getting used to summer that I didn't blog for awhile! Anyway, I think I decided that the first baby I wanted to hold was the first baby I had been excited about being born since Adelyn - baby Andrew, as he is referred to in our house by Sierra. He was about 6 weeks old when I held him. I didn't hesitate at all, actually. It felt good. Of course, boys have been easier for me to deal with since day 1. I never feel as much sadness when I see a baby boy, no matter how cute, because that's not what I was supposed to have. Seeing girls with bows in their hair (or on their head since most don't have much hair, lol) - well it still hurts. Probably always will.
Since baby girls are always harder for me, I needed to wait for just the right one to hold for the first time. I think I decided a while back who that baby was. First I thought maybe my neighbor's daughter, who had been so hard for me to deal with at first. In fact, right after I held baby Andrew, she was out and I almost wanted to reach out and hold her. But I knew I needed to wait for Adelena. She was born on my dad's birthday (November 15th) 3 months too soon. I was shocked when I saw she was born, I didn't know what happened, but I was so worried for her and her family that even though it was only about 6 weeks after Adelyn died and things dealing with babies were SO hard (again especially girls), my heart didn't sink for myself and what I was missing. It sunk and worried for that baby and her family, hoping they would not have to go through what we did. This little girl thrived and made it - a fighter. I truly believe my Adelyn played a role in it. Adelena's mom is someone I worked with way back in college, who happens to work with my mom now (well in the same school district), and who I have become better friends with due to our daughters (and Facebook, too - lol). With a name so similar to Adelyn's, a story so inspiring, and her birthday being dear to me, I knew she was the one. And we had finally scheduled a "playdate" and it happened to fall on Adelyn's 9 month mark. So it was perfect. I really didn't hesitate at all to hold her. She's 7.5 months and only about 15 pounds, so she's tiny but not a newborn so that made it easier. The way her mommy dresses her and always has matching flowers or bows in her "hair" does sometimes make me long to do those things with my baby girl, but for the most part I just feel like she is a miracle baby. I held her a couple times and once she feel asleep in my arms. I looked at that little face and for some rare moments, felt peace and happiness with a baby in my arms. Like maybe I can do this again.
Here are some pictures from our playdate. Sierra LOVED helping with Adelena and talked about her for the rest of the day. We made stepping stones today, one with Sierra's handprints and one for Adelyn.
I don't really have much else to say today. Except that I'm glad blogger finally let me post this - it was all messed up! And that I love and miss you, baby girl, more with each passing day. 9 months closer to seeing you again.
1 week ago