Friday, March 29, 2013

How Things Can Change in 2.5 years

Today marks 2 and a half years since Adelyn died.

I promise I wasn't sitting around, looking at dates, waiting for this day.  I had just been thinking about how next month Sierra turns 5 and Coen turns 18 months, they are exactly 3.5 years apart.  Since Adelyn was born a month before Coen, and on the 29th of the month, I sort of put two and two together and realized that today she would have been 2 and a half.  Not that 2 and a half is really a significant date to celebrate in a child's life.  After 18 months, those "half" birthdays aren't really a big deal.  No half year check ups, and after 2 I stopped getting professional pictures done as often.

However, I got to thinking......2 and a half sort of IS a big deal to me.  Why?  Because that is just about the exact age Sierra was when Adelyn was born/died.

I remember Sierra so clearly at that age - how she was the only thing that got me to smile.  I remember her running out of the bathtub one night, maybe a week after Adelyn died, and shaking her hips at me, saying "Mommy, I'm maked" (that's how she said naked for a long time, so cute).  It may have been the first time I truly laughed - how could you not?

Yet, a lot of that time in Sierra's life is a blur to me.  It's hard to look back at pictures of her that age,  because it reminds me of how much I was hurting.  It's so hard.....I want to remember those precious moments with her, and there were many.  I was well aware how precious they were, more than I ever had been.  But on the other hand, I want to forget that time in my life.   The crying in the car, the aching arms, the emptiness, the search for answers, how I mad the lyrics in every song I heard somehow relate to Adelyn, the pain in my heart when I saw sisters, the jealousy every time I heard someone else was having a girl, the guilt in my choices during my pregnancy......those things I'd like to forget.  But I can't.

And so tonight, I just feel emotional.  I can't explain it.  My mind is thinking about so many things.  Yes, I'm thinking about and missing Adelyn.  I do that every day.  But tonight I am thinking a lot about how fast time is going.  2.5 years since Adelyn's heart last beat.....and next month my big girl turns 5.  This is probably what Adelyn would look like if she was here today:

This is Sierra at 2.5.  I remember this being a favorite photo of mine.  I remember sending a thank you e-mail to coworkers right before I went back to work.  I couldn't bear to write out thank you cards, so I sent an e-mail.  Since I didn't have a baby to send pictures of, I attached some of Sierra and this was one of them.  I still remember that.

My, how much has changed in 2.5 years.  Sierra looks like a toddler in that picture.  Now she is definitely a little girl.  I don't even want to think about how different things will be in another 2.5 years.  She won't want to hold my hand when we walk down the street anymore.  She'll probably call me "Mom" and not "Mommy."   I wonder if she will still think what I say is the most important thing in the world. Right now, I often hear her telling her dad, "But Mommy said I have to do this." Every  night when I tuck her into bed, she quietly says, "But Mommy, you don't want to lay with me for a little bit?"  Sometimes I just want to go watch TV or do something for myself, but in that moment, I stop and think about how someday I will have all the time in the world and will long to hear that little voice ask me to lay with her, so I stay and I hold on to her tightly until she falls asleep.

Today I tried to put Coen down for a nap without rocking him. He screamed until I caved, about 30 minutes later.  I picked him up, and he fell right asleep on me.  I wondered why I worried about the 15 extra minutes it takes to rock him to sleep, when in 2.5 years he will be way too big to hold like that.  And then I wanted to sit there and hold him for his entire nap. goes so fast.  2.5 years ago, I never could have imagined I'd be where I am today.  Happy, smiling, the mother of a boy ;)   But here I am - trying to cherish every moment along the way.  You just never know what tomorrow will bring.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Cuteness Overload

My kid is so cute I can't stand it.  I really forgot just how cute and fun this age is, but oh my do I love it.  Makes me want to quit my job and just stay home and watch him all day.  I would never tire of it.  I want to soak it all in before it's gone.

So you wonder what does he do that has me gushing?

His daddy showed him this silly picture of a frog smiling in one of his board books.  He will turn the pages until he finds it, then squeal in delight every time.  It is beyond cute.

He really loves to press buttons on things to hear music.  After he does it, each time he will start to "dance" with a big smile on his face.

Then there is his mad face - he started walking around sticking his lips out and breathing really hard through his nose like he is smelling something.

He has also discovered the TV, and loves Thomas (why I am not sure - I find it so boring).  Every time we turn on the TV, points to it and says "choo choo".

Then there are the new words emerging every day - my personal favorite is probably still "naNA" for banana (he stresses the second syllable and for some reason I find it so cute).  He sometimes calls me "mee mee" - I can't figure out what else it means.  Other new words - boo (book), koo-koo (cookie), no, choo choo, ball, baby.....that's all I can think of right now.

Words can't express how much I am loving my little man right now.  I'm so thankful that this time, I was given the priveledge to watch my baby grow.  It is SO much fun, especially when you truly understand the gift it is.  Until you lose that opportunity with one of your children, I don't think you can truly understand how special this feels to me.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Growing Up

My baby is growing up and tonight I am just not ok with it.

It's hard, letting go.  And my goodness he is only 17 months old (today!) - but he is no longer a baby, he is definitely a toddler. It's going by way too fast.

There are so many reasons, so many factors involved, but I feel like I am taking him growing up so much harder than I did with Sierra.

One reason is, he is my last baby, so I know I will never get to experience all the wonders of babies and toddlers again.  This is a fun, adorable age right now, but it's the last time I get to experience it.  When Sierra was this age, I assumed I would get to do it again, and I was also very naive about life.

Another reason is, I went through so much to have Coen.  I did not bond with him at all until he was born, and I still feel guilty about that.  However, because of losing Adelyn and his emotionally difficult pregnancy, I definitely understood more how precious every moment is and cherished them way more than I did with Sierra.

Random reason....but I also feel like Coen growing up is harder because he is a boy.  How long is it going to be before he prefers doing boy stuff with daddy to me?  Then I see so many men - my own husband included - who rarely call their mothers.  I know that part is way in the future, but I do think about it.  It would break my heart if Coen treated me that way.

Some days, I still wonder if I was cut out to be the mom of a boy.  It's hard for me, in a lot of ways.  I worried before he was born, but turns out having a boy baby was no different than a girl baby, except you got peed on.  But as he gets bigger, it most certainly changes.  I worry that I won't be able to relate to him, like I do with Sierra.  She is just like me, so it's easy for me to understand her.  Boys are SO different!

I'm in a funky, sort of sad mood tonight.  I guess it's a good time to share a new picture of my handsome little guy, looking so grown up....

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Disney on Ice

I know I've been MIA, life has been busy to say the least.  There is so much I want to do, and so many times something has happend that I have wanted to blog about.  I just don't have time.  I know someday I will have all the time in the world when my kids are grown, and so I am really just trying to enjoy them now while they are little.  It's so hard to balance it all.

Sierra and I did have a much needed "girls day" and went to Disney on Ice.  She's been very into princesses and fairires lately.  Her face lit up every time the ad come on TV.  I wish we could actually go to Disney, she is at the perfect age I think, but her brother is NOT.  That is one downfall of having your kids a bit farther apart.

Sierra wasn't herself the whole day, so I was disappointed a little because it didn't seem like she was as excited as she had been.  Turns out she got sick that night after she went to bed, so I guess she wasn't feeling well most of the weekend.

I don't have time to write anything inspiring or dig down deep, although I would like to but sleep and relaxing are more important right now.  I did want to share this picture I took from the Disney on Ice show we went to:

The sky lanterns - my favorite part of the Tangled movie.  They remind me of Adelyn.  I took a few pictures of Sierra all dressed up as Belle, but I can't take a picture of my 2nd daughter enjoying Disney on Ice with us, as she would have been this year at almost 2 1/2 years old.  I have to settle on taking pictures of things that remind me of her.  This is one of few pictures I took of the actual show.  So beautiful.

Just a little something to show you how my mind works - she is NEVER far from my thoughts.