Wednesday, December 28, 2011


I think I am still recovering from it. Despite being off all week, I have yet to find time to get much done.  I guess we have been too busy playing with all the toys Sierra got!  It is ridiculous - I think we need an addition to our house to fit them all.  She got some good stuff though, just about everything *I* wanted for her.  I say *I* because she probably would have been happy with just the changing table she asked Santa for over and over.  Funny thing is, it's probably the one she has played with the least.  I figured that would happen, good thing I found it on Craigslist!

Sierra also got a huge doll house with all kinds of furniture and accessories.  Little pieces EVERYWHERE!  It's funny because the crib in it plays a lullaby and I hear that all the time.  I knew she would love it because it comes with twins - a boy and a girl - and there are pink and blue things for them.

Coen got some socks, a bib, an outfit and a few books.  I rewrapped some blocks of Sierra's because she had told Santa that he wanted those - no need to buy more baby toys, we have too many as it is.  He also got her Baby Einstein DVDs and some "Baby's 1st Christmas" books that she got for her first Christmas.  I tried to be economical, and she didn't notice!  Neither did Coen, he just sat in his bouncy seat and watched The Christmas Story while Sierra opened his presents!

Then we headed to my parents' house for brunch.  Sierra got lots of goodies there - a Leapster (which she LOVES), a couple board games, a cash register and play phone, lots of books and some little stuff.  Her favorite was the Strawberry Shortcake clubhouse from my aunt - when she opened it she said "It's just what I wanted!" and wanted it to be opened up right away!  She also got a sled, a Rapunzel mini play set, and two Dollie and Me matching outfits from my brother.
Coen slept through the entire thing!  He got a few toys, a baby's first Christmas ornament - not too bad.  Next year when he starts getting toys is when we may have to take two cars to fit it all in!

Sierra didn't nap and had a near meltdown before we left to go to my in-law's.  Sierra got more stuff there, including the Rapunzel tower, an easel, Hi Ho Cherry-O (which we have had fun playing together) and another Strawberry Shortcake play set (a different one - no duplicates this year).  Coen got a bath seat and towel - things he needed.  I can't wait until he sits up so we can use it in the tub and not have to do two baths!

Adelyn even got some presents - a pink butterfly ornament from my mom, an angel that says "When a child is born, the angels sing" from my sister-in-law and brother - that one I think I will put on our tree, not Adelyn's because it sort of reminds me of both Coen and Adelyn - like the angels (including Adelyn and all her heavenly friends) sung when Coen made it here safe and sound - and an angel with the September birthstone from my aunt. On Christmas Eve we got a silver sparkly "A" from my cousins and a bunch of pink butterflies from another cousin. Those are the two cousins who texted me daily right after Adelyn died and throughout my difficult pregnancy with Coen.

I got an iPad!!  We had been thinking about it before Coen was born, so I could use it in the hospital and at home when all I did was sit and feed.  It would have been nice to have in those early weeks, it definitely would have helped entertain Sierra better than TV, but oh well.  We tried to find a used one, but most were scams so we didn't get it.  Plus our car needed new tires and that is way more important.  I'm glad to have it, and glad the bill will come after I get another full paycheck :)  I feel like it gives me more time.  I know I spend too much time on the Internet and Facebook, but I can't help it.  Now I can go online while I nurse Coen or while I am downstairs watching Sierra play.  I feel like I have already had enough time on the computer by the time they go to bed, so I can relax.  And I like playing games with Sierra on it.  Between the iPad, her Leapster and the board games she received, I feel like we have actually spent a little more quality time together lately.  That is much needed, as Mommy guilt was getting to me.  I am always so busy with Coen or general household chores that have to get done, that I was really missing my quality Sierra time.  I felt like all I was doing was correcting her and punishing her for misbehaving.  It's so hard to balance it all.

All in all, it was a good Christmas.  But I was still aware that someone was missing.  A few times I tried to imagine what it would be like if Adelyn was here.  Our house would really be exploding with baby dolls and pink.  It was around that same age that Sierra really started getting into dolls.  Who knows, though - Adelyn could have been completely the opposite.

We missed Adelyn just as much this year as last year.  There were really only two things that made the whole season lighter on our hearts - knowing she had a magical Christmas in Heaven with all her friends, who must be wonderful if they are anything like their mommies I have met - and of course having Coen here this year helped a ton.
Coen's First Christmas - I can't believe it's over already. Time is going too fast.....

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is one of my favorite days of the year.  This year was much gentler than last year.  However, I did find myself with a lump in my throat when we were watching a slideshow of pictures from past years and the song "Happy Christmas" was playing.  Not sure why, but it caught me.

We have a few traditions every year, like a food exchange.  I was distracted by trying to talk to everyone so I missed a lot of it.  Although we walked away with a ton of candy, which is great because we love it - but not so great for trying to lose the rest of this baby weight - ugh.  We also sing the 12 Days of Christmas - but we get a sheet that says which verses to sing - example this year "10 maids a milking" was to be sung if you are pregnant.  Good thing that one wasn't on there last year - but no one in the family was pregnant last year.  This is my favorite part of the night, and I missed it because I was in the bedroom feeding Coen.   I was thinking to myself that I should have sung the verse for being pregnant and then said, whoops - I forgot I am not pregnant anymore, I was pregnant for so long.  I'm glad I can joke about that these days.

We just set up Sierra's doll house and put out the rest of the presents.  She got that with TONS of little pieces that are going to be all over our house - why did I do that?!  She also got the changing table she wanted for her doll, even though she hasn't been playing with Rosie much at all lately.  Then just a couple books and clothes for her doll and stocking stuffers.  Coen got socks, a bib, an outfit, two books that I bought specifically for him - and then we wrapped some of Sierra's old Christmas books and baby toys so it would look like "Santa" brought him more.  What does  he really need?  She told Santa that Coen wanted blocks, so I did find her old ones that have been put away for years and wrapped them up for him.

Sierra left Santa his milk and cookies that we baked today.  We are all ready for the morning!

As if this post isn't random enough already, I wanted to throw in this poem.  It was from the hospital memorial service we attended for Adelyn, and I really like it.  Especially since I made that candle for her, and seeing it really reminds me of her and is comforting.

I will Light Candles this Christmas
by Howard Thurman

I will light Candles this Christmas;
Candles of joy despite all sadness,
Candles of hope where despair keeps watch,
Candles of courage for fears ever present,

Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days,
Candles of grace to ease heavy burdens,
Candles of love to inspire all my living,
Candles that will burn all the year long.

Love you and miss you Adelyn.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Christmas Decorations

I love finding new ways to include Adelyn in our home.  Last Christmas, I bought a lighted angel and hung it in the window of her room to symbolize her.  Everyone who saw it, knew what it was for.  I put it up again this year.

I also bought a pink Christmas tree that I planned to fill with ornaments.  This year, a friend came over to meet Coen and brought 3 gift bags.  A big one for Coen and two little ones.  I assumed one little one was for Sierra, and I was right.  I wasn't sure what the second little bag was for, until she handed it to me and said, "This is for Adelyn."  I think my heart almost jumped out of my chest, it was so happy.  That little gesture seriously made my day.  I made sure to tell her that too.  Definitely she is one of those friends I can always talk to about Adelyn, who always asks, and who I feel I have become closer to because of.  I learned that her father was a funeral director, which explains a lot.  Anway, she gave us a little angel ornament that changes colors and is really cool.  Sierra loved it and pretended it was a candle.  Ha ha.  This was awhile back, but I forgot to write about it - but it deserves mentioning because it was the best surprise to get a gift for Adelyn.

Sierra hanging the little sister ornament on Adelyn's tree.
 Back to my post - that ornament got me shopping and I found a few additions for her tree this year.  An ornament that says middle child - finding this really made me happy.  Another ornament I found was a one that said little sister.  I think I will always consider her a little sister.  I know she is also a big sister, but I don't know how to explain it.  I guess because the only image I will ever have of her is as a baby. 
I also found an angel that says hope on it, and my cousin bought me a larger angel that also says hope.  In one of my many trips to Michael's, I found two pink sparkly butterflies so I got those for her tree also.  I'm really liking how it looks.  Just yesterday we got another angel ornament from a friend - again it made me happy because there was something for all 3 of my kids in her gift.

I love this picture because I feel like all 3 of my kids are in it.
 I love finding new, different ways to include Adelyn in our decorations. Last year I debated on whether or not to hang a stocking for Adelyn.  I wanted to include her, for people to remember her, but it didn't seem right to hang a stocking for someone who died.  I saw some craft ideas from the 12 Days of Christmas with you in Heaven blog posts, and I really liked one.  I modified it, and I LOVE how it came out:
Adelyn's Christmas Candle
I love that it is sparkly and has her name so everyone who sees it knows what/who it is for.  I love that I found a stocking that says hope - I originally bought it as an ornament for her tree, but I used it on the candle instead.  Perfect!

I loved hanging a fourth stocking this year!
And yes our pets have stockings too - they are part of our family!

Sierra in front of our Christmas tree

Monday, December 19, 2011

Forgetting, then Remembering

I can't remember where I read these words - forgetting, then remembering.  I know it was someone else's blog.  I remember relating to it so well.  Especially tonight.

It's not that I forgot that I have another daughter.  Trust me, I think about her every single day.  I guess I just am used to it now, it's just so much a part of who I am that it's just always there.  I forget to be sad about it sometimes.

Tonight I was reading my e-mail and I got a message from my sister-in-law and brother.  They had sent a gift to a little girl in need who was born on September 29, 2010.  I always thought about doing something like that, but right now we are just trying to get back on our feet after 3 months of no paycheck for me.

Something about the message - the way it was written, the music, the words in the little video that played (love, joy, peace, faith) - caught me off guard.  It was written TO Adelyn.  I think because of that, it made me remember that she WAS real.  I really did have another daughter, I DO have another daughter.

I can't explain how it made me feel.  Touched is the best word.  That was the perfect gift, so thoughtful and special.  I love that they remembered Adelyn.  But yet as I sat there and watched it, the tears came.  It made the fact that she isn't here seem so real.  I was really, really sad at the same time.  I miss her and all the hopes and dreams we had for her.  This year is gentler, yes - but when I think back to last year, that pain I felt last year still hurts as much this year. 

I don't even know how to thank them.  Somehow, saying that I love the gift but it made me cry doesn't seem right.  I don't want them to feel bad for making me sad.  I just don't think that anyone who hasn't lost a child can understand why making me cry isn't always a bad thing.  I would rather cry because someone remembered, than cry because no one did.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

All I Want for Christmas

Some Christmas songs will never be the same for me - "Silent Night" being one.  Last year all I wanted for Christmas was Adelyn back.  So every time I heard that Mariah Carey song "All I Want for Christmas is You" I thought of her.  This year, the only thing I wanted was to have another baby for Christmas.  I'm  happy that I got what I wanted this year, since I couldn't have it last year.  I just don't care about anything else.  I don't even care if I get one present for Christmas.  I already got the best gift ever:

That being said, I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.  No clue why - it's Coen's first Christmas after all.  He's just what I wanted for Christmas.  I think that's part of the reason - I'm just not into gifts or Christmas shopping this year.  I really dislike having to buy presents for people just because it is Christmas.  It gets to be too much, and I don't want to buy something whether they want/need it or not, just because I need to buy a gift.  Plus I'm tired, busy, stressed - I just don't have time.  I'd rather be spending time with my kids, not leaving them on one of my two days off to go buy presents.

Maybe it's just that this time of year will ALWAYS be hard.  Maybe I will always miss Adelyn a little bit more during the holidays.  I heard this song while I was nursing Coen and it really touched me.  So I think this year, it is the song that reminds me of Adelyn.
That was a very random post I know, but this is how my brain works right now.  I was sad when I started writing this, missing Adelyn.  But then the picture of Coen just made me smile and almost forget how sad I am that Adelyn isn't here.  Pretty much that is how it is right now.  I'm not sure how to feel.  I'm so thankful to have Coen here, but there will always be a hole in my heart that only Adelyn can fill.  I wish she was here, but then Coen most likely wouldn't be.  I am not sure if I will ever figure that one out.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


I have so much I would like to write about, but I'm SO tired.  One full week of work is almost under my belt.  We are all fighting a cold, well everyone but Sierra - she's just fighting with us.  I had been amazed at how well she had dealt with a new baby, but I guess it took awhile for it to sink in.  Poor kid has been through so much the last year or two.  She said she was excited to go back to the baby-sitter's house and play with her friends and kept asking when I was going back to work.  But maybe deep down she does miss me, after all it was the two of us doing everything together for 4 months straight and I was home with her for 6 months.  I didn't even take off that long when she was born.  Anyway, right now she can be unbearable and fights with us on almost everything and has gone back to peeing her pants.  Now I know she is doing it on purpose for attention, because she had been completely accident free for awhile before the past week or two.  I don't even know what to do, on top of everything else going on.   It's so hard.

Stress is running high in the household right now.  If we could bottle it up and sell it, we would be millionaires.  And then I wouldn't have to go back to work and a lot of that stress would be gone.  Working full time with a two month old is ridiculous.  There is so much prep work just to get out the door. And then when I get home I feel like all I do is get ready for the next day of work.  Feed Coen, do dishes, cook dinner, more dishes, pack lunches, get my clothes ready (which is an awful task right now, enough to make me cry as nothing fits right), give the kids a bath, feed Coen again, read Sierra 100 books and pray she stays in bed.  By this time I am ready to fall over, but I might squeeze in some computer or TV time.  Then I have to pump, wash the pump, and get to bed.  And hope Coen sleeps all night.  Last night we woke up at 4 and it threw off our perfect routine. 

What happens when I am stressed?  It makes me miss Adelyn more.  Somehow I wonder if she was here, if I would feel this stressed.  It was a lot to go through the past year, and as a result we just made it through.  We didn't do much fun or relax - we just survived.  And now we have a newborn and he takes up a lot of time.  But yet we really need a vacation or even a date night.  I just don't want to miss a moment because we didn't get the chance with Adelyn.  Babies are so precious.

I love having a newborn, but I hate working while having one.  It's almost too much that I don't even get to enjoy him.  I wish I had more time to take off.

TGIF tomorrow!!!!!!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Two Months

Coen is two months old today.  Wow - time flies!  Our big boy now weighs 11 lbs 12 oz and is 24 inches long.  He got his first round of shots at his appointment and did great.  They didn't seem to affect him.  I was worried about that.  I debated spacing them out, but with how hard it was to get an appointment that works with my work schedule and the fact that I have NO sick days left this year, I decided just to get them all.  Sierra got hers on the normal schedule and was fine.  But, I know autism is more common in boys and I'm terrified.  I will probaby worry until he is 2!

Coen slept through the night again!  And this is how he spent most of the day:

I actually mentioned to my husband today that it almost didn't seem like there was a baby in the house because he was so quiet.  He just cries when he is hungry or tired.  Honestly, I think Sierra cried and fussed more than he did today.  She refused to nap and it wasn't pretty from that point on.  I don't know if she was tired or what, but wow.  She argued with everything we asked her to do and it is SO trying.  The teenage years are a scary thought!

On a brighter note, some more cute pictures from Coen's two month shots:

Baby smiles have got to be the best thing ever.  I think I could just stare at him smiling for hours.  It is the best medicine.

Happy two months, Coen Micah!  On one hand, I can't believe it has been two months already.  But on the other hand, it has ONLY been two months?  I can't imagine life without him now - and I'm certainly glad I don't have to.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Back To Work

Wow......what a difference a year makes.  Going back to work this time was so completely different than last time.  I got to hear happy congratulations and talk about my baby to people I hadn't seen yet, instead of deal with awkward looks of sympathy.  My sub this time totally rocked - we got to have a shadow day and go over where things stood so that I am pretty much in the loop.  Last year my sub was awkward, uncomfortable - not sure if it was the situation or if that just made it worse.  I actually denied the shadow day last year because it was just that bad - and I felt like I needed my space.

I had been telling everyone that ideally, this was what would happen - Coen would sleep all night, I would get up at 5 and pump, shower, eat breakfast, get dressed and ready, wake him up, and then nurse him at 6:30.  Trevor would get Sierra ready then one of us would take them over to the baby-sitter's house.  I hoped Coen would eat again at around 9:30 and 12:30 and be ready to eat when I got home around 3:30 so I could nurse him again.  I figured it wouldn't happen, but it was my plan to get on this schedule.  I figured once he started regularly sleeping through the night, it should work out.

Would you believe that today went EXACTLY as I wrote?  Coen slept from 9:30-6:30 when I woke him up!  The only glitch was right after I fed him, he spit up all over me.  One of the joys of breastfeeding is that it didn't leave a stain or stink, so I wiped it up and ran out the door.  Gross I know, but if you knew how hard it is right now to find a flattering shirt, you'd understand.  I cannot be late for work and changing my shirt may have made me late!

So we had a good day.  It was hard to focus on work when all I could really think about were my kids and wondering what I was missing.  I think next week when I have to do all the therapy (I let my sub do it today and I watched which is boring, but I wanted to see what all the kid were working on) it will keep me busy and focused and make the day go by faster.

I'm exhausted so that's all I have for tonight!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

I feel like tonight is my last night of freedom.  Tomorrow I go back to work and the rat race begins.  I'm not looking forward to it, to say the least.

I mean, how am I supposed to leave these little faces?

My dad was watching her while I took Coen to the doctor's and she picked this flower for me.
This one doesn't need a caption - it melts my heart. The hat doesn't help :)
I guess I should go to bed now so I can get up.  Hopefully I have enough energy to update tomorrow, but after work, Sierra has dance class and then we have a birthday party.  Way to start off with a bang!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


I am feeling just a little bit overwhelmed this week.  Between Christmas, adjusting to two kids, my husband's ridiculously busy work schedule, and the dreaded back to work date for me nearing - it's a little stressful around here.  I can't seem to get anything done and I am home all day.  How in the world am I going to do it when working full time?

I feel like I have 100 half finished projects in this house.  There is stuff everywhere- papers, coupons, cards, TOYS!  It's driving me crazy.  I know I need to learn to live with it like that, it's only going to get worse.  Every time I get in the mood to finish one thing, I get interrupted and the mood passes.  The next time it will be something else I feel like finishing!

I haven't even written in Coen's baby book yet.  His outgrown newborn clothes are still in a pile in his room.  My dad designed and installed shelves in Sierra's extra closet and I haven't  had time to organize it yet (I love doing this kind of stuff).  There is a pile of maternity clothes on the floor in our room.  I need to go through them all - I'm done wearing them. There are a few nursing tops that are so convenient so I am still wearing them - but I'm so sick of the same 5 shirts that I think I am done with them too.   I need to give my neighbor back all the clothes of hers I have had for two years, especially since she is pregnant again now.

Then there is Christmas stuff.  I think our outside decorations are done - but inside there is stuff everywhere.  Our tree has been up since Saturday but with nothing on it.  I finally put some lights on it tonight, I don't care how it looks! Sierra seemed to like it.  The bins of Christmas decorations are stacked in the office room, since this year we cannot use the nursery as a storage room (which is perfectly fine with me, I'd much rather use it for a baby).

I started putting up Adelyn's tree, which shouldn't take long.  I also put up all our stockings - it felt so nice to put up a 4th one this year.  My mantle isn't done yet though.  I decided that I wanted to make a candle for Adelyn to put up there with all our stockings.  I just didn't feel right hanging a stocking for someone who died, but yet I want her to be included with the rest of us. So a candle seemed perfect - I can burn it along with the lights on the mantle.  I want everyone to know it is for her, so I want her name on it.  I bought a flameless candle from Michaels that is very sparkly but when I got it home, it doesn't work! And I bought letters to spell out Adelyn's name, but it is a mix of colors and it didn't have all the letters I needed in red to spell it. So both things need to go back, creating MORE work for me.  It is SUCH a pain to run errands with two kids, and by the time Trevor gets home I am too tired to do it.

I'm not done Christmas shopping.  I just don't even want to do it this year.  I love to shop, but not when I am rushed.  Then it is stressful. Trying to time shopping between Coen's feedings, lunch time, and Sierra's naps is almost impossible.  I get maybe 2 hours, so by the time I drive there, unload them and get in the store, maybe an hour and a half tops?  And during that time I am trying to keep Sierra from getting antsy and usually getting stopped by a few old ladies to ooh and ahh over Coen (that part is fine with me because I was so sad that I never got to show off Adelyn).

I am really starting to get stressed about going back to work.  I am not ready. Coen is still so little.  I wish I could just have one more month.  When I think about it too long, I get depressed and almost cry because I am sad about leaving him and worried about how I am going to manage this.  Then I tell myself that if I could get through the past year, grieving our daughter while being pregnant with our son - then truly there cannot be anything I cannot do. Right?

I keep listening to this song over and over when I am in my car to remind myself of that.  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller....."  Sierra even knows the words now and sings along!  Really only the chorus applies to me, but I love the song.  Thanks to Sarah S. for getting me addicted - and finding this awesome acoustic version for me.  Love it!

Monday, December 5, 2011


Yesterday I had a much needed girls' day with Sierra.  I feel like I haven't been able to enjoy her as much since Coen arrived because I am always so busy with him, and because I feel like I am constantly on her case to give both me and him some space -she is always in his face!

We went to see a play based on the Pinkalicious book series with some neighbors and friends.  Before the play, Sierra's best friend's mommy had a little tea party and lunch for the girls.  Sierra was SO excited to see her best friend - they used to go to the same baby-sitter but Sierra has been home with me this school year so far and her best friend's mom took a year off after having a baby in the spring. So they have been missing each other!

I think there were about 14 little girls at the tea party - wow!  It was so cute to watch Sierra and Lilly.  At one point, they went in the bathroom together to go potty and refused help from anyone.  I had to laugh and think to myself - "it starts already!"  They were even already asking about sleepovers!
How cute are they?
I'm so glad my daughter already has a best friend at 3.5!  And happy that her best friend is just as crazy about her!

At the tea party, I went to check on them and they were playing in Lilly's bedroom.  She shares it with her big sister.  That room is jam packed with "sister" stuff - pictures, picture frames - you name it.  I noticed it probably more than anyone else would.  It hurt - made me sad for Sierra that she doesn't get to experience that.  I was so excited for that stuff.

The other thing that is hard for me is that Sierra's best friend also has a little sister who is 6 months younger than what Adelyn would have been.  I always imagined that the two of them would have been best friends like their big sisters.

I guess I am thankful that I can now think about these things and be ok - not be reduced to tears like I was from the moment I heard that baby was a girl until she was a few months old.  I think Coen played a big role in that.

The play was funny and entertaining - both the play itself and listening to Sierra and Lilly giggle and talk during it.  So cute!
They even got to dance on the stage afterwards!

As much as some things still hurt, I am very thankful that I have a little girl to do all these girly things with.  Life would be much more difficult if I didn't.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

O, Christmas Tree

We got our Christmas tree today.  It was fun.  We got to ride a tractor and walk around.  Coen slept the whole time in the Moby Wrap.  I'm still figuring it out and I don't think he was in it quite right, but he was happy.

The tree is up but not decorated yet.  I will get it done before I go back to work.

Here's some family pictures from our tree shopping.

Speaking of Christmas, I didn't get around to writing this yet.  We were at our neighbor's house on Thursday making bows again - Sierra needed a new one for Christmas pictures!  They were in the midst of getting out their Christmas decorations also and had a Playmobil nativity set.  The kids were playing/fighting over it while we were finishing up.  It was an interesting conversation, but it made both of us stop and laugh.  Especially when we heard, "But God is a boy!!"  Ha ha.  Then they started talking about Jesus and Sierra mentioned that "That's where my baby sister is - with Jesus!  She takes a bath with him and eats with him, too."  I guess she must have asked about that stuff and we told her that Adelyn does those things in Heaven (or up in the sky as Sierra says).  It was kind of peaceful thinking of it that way.  It was also one of those moments where I felt to proud of our biggest for being such a good big sister to Adelyn.  But it also made me sad that she has to talk about her sister in Heaven.  Sometimes I wonder what the other kids think, and worry that as she gets older they might make fun of her or think she is telling stories.  I think that it is one thing I might have to make sure her teacher knows about in case it comes up.  I wish I didn't have to think about these things......

Friday, December 2, 2011

Freak Outs

So I had two pretty good freak outs today.

Coen slept 9-7!! last night (and 9:30-5:30 the night before).  I woke up at about 5:30 and laid there, waiting for him to wake up but he didn't.  So it was either wake him up to feed him or pump.  I never wake a sleeping baby at night, so I decided to get up and pump.  Before I did, I wondered if I should go in and check on him. And then the freak out occurred. What if something happened to him while he was sleeping?  He got out of his swaddle me blanket and it smothered him?  Or he rolled over and fell victim to SIDS?  What if I went in there and he was dead?  It sounds so harsh, but this is what I was thinking.  And you know what - I was SO scared, I could not go in and check on him.  I went downstairs, pumped, came back to bed and fell back asleep.  I woke up to a crying baby at about 7 and was relieved.

Later today, we were at the mall waiting for the elevator.  There is one elevator in the main mall, so there was a line of strollers.  It was taking forever because by the time the people got off the elevator, the door was closing too fast and no one could get on.  I had Coen in his stroller and Sierra was standing right next to me.  The door opened and I was trying to hurry and to get in and hold the door - so I had Sierra go first so the door wouldn't close on her.  I was right behind her, putting my hand next to the door to hold it open but it started to close and wasn't stopping.  I panicked and pressed the button quickly, hoping the elevator door would open back up but it didn't.  So it closed, and Sierra was in it and I wasn't.  She started screaming.  I didn't know what to do, I felt torn between my two kids.  I couldn't take the stroller up the escalator, but what if Sierra got off and wandered somewhere, or worse yet someone grabbed her?  The other mothers told me to run after her and they would watch the baby.  So I left my baby in his stroller, with my purse and all on it, and RAN up the escalator to get her.  I got there just as the door shut again.  So I ran back down the escalator and when I got there she was off the elevator already standing next to one of the women, tears streaming down her face.  I scooped her up, shaking, relieved that both my kids were ok.

I told the story to a few people, who said it was sort of funny after the fact.  No, not at all.  Sierra screaming in the elevator, so scared and alone, has been replaying in my head since, haunting me.  Just like the words the doctor spoke on September 29, 2010 "I'm sorry, there is nothing we can do - she's gone."  I felt so helpless in that moment today - it reminded me of how I felt as I laid there listening to the doctors work on Adelyn.  Completely different, yet the same. 

Things are just SO different when you have had a child die.  Nothing is funny or taken lightly when it concerns your children's safety.  I have already had one of my children die - I cannot have something happen to another one of them.  I'm not sure I could come back from that.