21 months since we last heard your little heart beat, 21 months since I felt you move inside me. It feels like yesterday that we found out you were gone. But at the same time, it seems like a different lifetime ago.
I feel like I am losing her. The memories are fading in some ways. Not too long ago, I looked at her picture atop my blog and saw a stranger. Like that song that is always on the radio: "now you're just somebody that I used to know." Every time I hear it, I think of Adelyn.
I realized that I don't really even know her, and I certainly don't know her the way I know my other two kids. But then again, all there was to know about her, I knew and only me. I knew how her kicks felt, how it felt when she pushed her head up against my ribs when she was breech. I still recall one day lying on the couch watching TV, and she was kicking me like crazy. I remember texting a friend and saying maybe she was going to be a soccer player, or better yet a dancer :) She was SO active earlier on in the pregnancy, but not so much towards the end. I wonder if I missed a sign that something wasn't right? I will always wonder..... about that and so many things. What would she have been like?
I think it's pretty safe to say what she would have looked like though. I don't think I ever posted these pictures on my blog, but here are Sierra and Coen, wearing the same outfit:
They are both 5 months old here. So I'm guessing Adelyn would have looked similar.
21 months and I still struggle. Probably no one can tell, except those who REALLY know me, or my few "Adelyn" friends who have always been open to me talking about her whenever I feel like it. Anytime someone has a baby girl, it makes me miss her so much. And today, the first baby girl in our extended family since Adelyn was born. On the 29th of a month to boot. It was hard, it made me sad. And jealous....their baby girl lived. I know they got just what they wanted, and sometimes that is hard for me to handle. I didn't get what I wanted. It's not fair!
I came so close to getting out her memory box today, just to look through it, to prove to myself that yes, she did exist, she was here. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was already feeling sad, and I know that would have made it worse. Sometimes though I feel like I need to do it and let myself be sad and cry. But, her memory box is still in Coen's closet (and he was napping) because I couldn't bear to move her from that room, that should have been hers. I feel like it would be ok now, and I think I am ready to keep it next to me. I have a bin under our bed that has everything I made or bought for her - Christmas ornaments, wreaths, candles, etc. I think that would be a good place to keep her boxes too - but I may need another under-the-bed bin!
What I wouldn't give to hold her, touch her, smell her just one more time. It's hard to undertand how you can miss someone you hardly knew, that you never really had - but I do. I guess I miss all that she would have been. As time goes on, I feel like the number of people that I can talk to about it and that understand, are dwindling, and that is why I am thankful to have this place, her place.
I love you, baby girl.
1 week ago