I really thought I was doing better with baby girls. Apparently I was wrong, dead wrong.
Maybe it is because I haven't really had to deal with them much - mostly everyone around us has had boys lately (thankfully).
This week a friend of mine who has been a very unexpected support to me the past 18 months had a baby girl. Her second daughter. Now she has two girls and a boy, just like me, but in a different order (girl, boy, girl). I didn't think it would really bother me that much, because usually those who are sensitive to me and try to understand and ask and care make it easier.
Well, I was wrong. Ever since I found out it was a girl (they didn't know but I thought it would be a girl), all I keep thinking about is all the things they are doing with their baby girl that I didn't get to do - hear her cry, cuddle her, see a pink "it's a girl" tag in her hospital crib (I do have one from Adelyn but it was never in her crib), pink blankets, hair bows, just merely referring to a baby as a "she." I could go on.
It is just taking me back to all my hopes and dreams that were not fulfilled and never will be. And it hurts, it still really hurts. I guess I just need to give myself time to adjust to it, and then I think I will be ok. I just wish it didn't still hurt so much.
At work today, I had a huge lump in my throat all day. All I wanted to do was run home and hug my kids. I just wanted to be with them, to hear Coen giggle or listen to Sierra's funny stories. That is about the only thing that can make me feel better when I am missing Adelyn like this. But no, I was stuck at work and pretty much stared at my computer all day and did not get much done, even though I am super busy and have tons to do.
Days like today, all I can do is go to sleep and hope tomorrow is better.
1 week ago