Thursday, June 27, 2013

Her Name

This is going to sound ridiculous......but I wish that I could trademark Adelyn's name.  That no one else could use it.  It's too special, sacred to me, to hear another baby named it.

Yet, this week I have heard it 3 or 4 times. 

My cousin posted a photo on Facebook of her daughter holding a very tiny baby girl.  It didn't crush me to see a tiny baby girl.....until she told me her name was Adelyn.

I don't know why she even told me that, but probably because we were discussing the first birthday party of another cousin's daughter that we were invited to.  I don't want to go, because I know there is going to be a little girl named Adelyn there.  She was at the baptism for the birthday girl a few months ago, and no one warned me until we were on our way.  I know they don't know how much that would have affected me to talk to someone and hear them say their tiny baby is named Adelyn, but still.  Unexpected things are the worst, at least if I am prepared I can harden myself prior to the situation.

Then there is the girl I think is named Adelyn and looks to be the exact age as my Adelyn would be.  I think I may have written about her before, but when I took Sierra to her Summer Enrichment last week, she was there again.  I swear for the 2nd time I thought I heard her mom yell "Adelyn!" at her.  The first time was when I took Sierra for her Kindergarten screening.  My heart raced and I felt like I was out of my body after that time.  At least this time I was sorta prepared, but I couldn't help but stare at her.......

Then tonight, first thing on my Facebook was an old acquaintance saying they were so happy to meet the new baby girl Adalyn Jane.

I really wish her name wasn't becoming so trendy.  I remember worrying about that when we chose it - I like different names.  It sucks when you take all this time to pick a unique name and then it ends up becoming really popular a few years later.  It sucks even more when the baby you chose the name for dies.  I know it's wrong, but every time I hear another baby/girl named Adelyn, it puts me in a bad mood and I have a pity party.  Sometimes I just can't help it, but I don't like feeling that way.  I wonder why their Adelyn got to live and mine didn't?

I miss her tonight.

Thursday, June 20, 2013


We are nearing the end of week two of summer and I am so happy.  I swear I am a different person.  I have more energy, I'm not exhausted all the time,  I feel less stressed.

That's not to say I sit on my butt and relax all day.  Oh hell no!  My day on Monday:

Woke up and fed myself and both kids breakfast, got us all dressed and out the door by 9:45.  Unbuckled both kids from their carseats and took lugged Coen along to drop Sierra off for her first day of summer enrichment.  It's a program at her school with fun things for kids to do a few weeks during summer.  I decided to sign her up since it's offered at the school she will go to.  Plus I thought it would get her used to being there for 2 hours, which is almost as long as Kindergarten will be. So then I loaded Coen back up, drove to an appointment at the consignment store to get rid of some baby toys and gear (my Boppy pillow included :( I wanted to cry).  This of course involved taking him out and back in his carseat two more times!  He fell asleep on the way to pick Sierra up, where I had to unload him again just to walk in and get her!  We went home, ate lunch, and ran to get dog food then another store to grocery shop.  I came home and luckily Coen did not fall asleep in the car, but I had to rush and unload the cold stuff.  I finally got him to nap around 4.  Then I rushed out to mow the grass while he slept and Sierra played in her water table outside.  Then I cooled off, woke him up, did dishes while I made dinner.  After dinner we went back outside, took the dog for a walk, and came in to give the kids baths.  Then I ran on the elliptical for 30 minutes and showered and sat down around 10 for the first time all day.

Exhausting, but productive.  All days are exhausting with kids, but most are not so productive!  I must have buckled and unbuckled Coen 15 times!  It felt SO good to get stuff done though.

I will say for me the big difference between working and not working is night time.  I am just as busy and sometimes stressed during the day trying to get stuff done while watching 2 kids and keeping them occupied.  In a perfect world I could just focus on them and not try to get stuff done at the same time, but unfortunately I push a lot of things till summer that I just can't get to when I am working full time (seriously, what do women who work year round do?  I think they are my heroes!).  So all day I am busy busy busy.  In fact I am busy until the kids go to bed, and they go to bed later in the summer.  Coen hasn't been going until almost 9 and Sierra almost 10 every night.

But, once the kids are in bed I am relaxed.  I don't have to pack my lunch or decide what I am wearing or iron it.  I don't have to worry about getting to bed because I know I have to get up at 5:45.  I don't have to worry about getting the kids up early too.  I don't have to worry about work stuff on top of mother stuff.

It's so, SO nice.  I LOVE it.  I am happier in the summer.  I actually feel like doing things or going out.  I'm like a different person.  I swear I have two personalities - summer Lisa and working Lisa.  No joke.  I like summer Lisa much better!

I often wish I never had to go back to work.  But, I do think having "only" 2.5 months off makes me appreciate that time so much more than women who stay at home year round.  For me, it's a change from the usual, so spending so much time with my kids doesn't get as frustrating as it does for someone who always does it.  If that makes sense.

My favorite part of summer is getting to keep my whole paycheck!  We often get the comments about "oh it must be nice to have two incomes."  What people with one income don't realize is their one income is probably not much less then our two, especially when you factor in that 40% of my pay goes right back out to the baby-sitter.  She earns her money for sure and she is worth it, but I wish I didn't have to pay someone else to do what I wish I could do.  So, in summer, I still get a paycheck and don't have to work.  It doesn't get much better than that!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

In a Funk

I've been in a funk all weekend.  I hate funks!  Not sure what started it.  A lot of factors.

About 3 weeks ago, my allergies were so bad that I couldn't stop coughing. It was awful, felt like there was constantly something in my throat.  Well, there was.  Apparently, I coughed so hard and so much that I pulled a rib muscle.  OUCH!  You don't realize how much you move it until it hurts.  I could barely lay down, roll over, or get out of bed without a lot of pain.  Add in a 28 pound toddler and sitting in little kid chairs leaning in so I can hear a good R or L or S over the hand dryers in the bathroom next to my office and it hasn't been fun.  Then I took Advil, which made my stomach bloated and feel yucky.  One of my students even asked me if I was having a baby.  Yikes, and NO I am not.  I can't even exercise because it hurts!  Frustrated!

Then my birthday is Monday and thought maybe we can go have a nice dinner Saturday night.  Well, my husband won tickets to the Stanley Cup Playoffs from work, but had to go with someone from work or pay taxes on $800 worth of tickets.  So that idea was shot - you can't pass up hockey tickets!  My back was killing me, because I think I strained it trying to avoid using my rib muscles.  I had my  mom come over to help.  We were outside and a newer neighbor was out with her 1 week old little boy.  Seeing how tiny he was made me sad that I will never have one of those again.  We were talking about labor, she had him at the same hospital as I had Adelyn and Coen.  She uses the same ob/gyn group as me, and was saying she loved the doctor that I had and hoped she was the one who delivered but it wasn't.  I said how much I loved that doctor and wanted to say  more, and say why, but this neighbor didn't live here when Adelyn died and doesn't know about her and it just wasn't the time to tell the story.  It was late and I needed to get my kids in bed. So I felt like a fraud and very uncomfortable.  I said how I had Sierra at a different hospital and she asked what I thought compared to the other one.  It's so hard to compare because I feel like we got special treatment when I had Coen.  It was just an awkward conversation.  I later found out that Sierra said something about having a sister in heaven in front of that neighbor and according to my husband who was standing there she kind of gave Sierra a strange look.  So I guess I will have to have a conversation about Adelyn with her.

After we came in, we watched the Secret of the Wings for the 100th time.  My mom had never seen it so Sierra wanted to watch it with her.  It always reminds me of Sierra and Adelyn.  Sisters living in different worlds.  But it really hit me last night.  I was actually imagining Sierra and Adelyn being reunited in heaven one day.  At the same time, it made me sad that they aren't together now.

Today I sort of cured my funk by  having a mother daughter pedicure day.  I've wanted to do it for awhile, and as sad as I am that I don't get to do this with both my daughters, on the way  home I realized that I am just blessed to have one little girl to do these things with.