Friday, September 30, 2011

Today's Mail

I still haven't had time to actually sit and think and reflect on yesterday, so that post is still coming.  In the meantime, I have to write about today.

Sierra took but a 15 minute nap on the way home from a lunch date with a fellow baby loss mom.  It was SO good to chat with a local mom, we need to do it more often.  I grabbed the mail and sat in the car and looked through it because I knew as soon as I would get out, she would wake up.

We got a few cards today - one special one came from the dr. who delivered Adelyn and who (hopefully) will be delivering Rainbow Baby.  She is probably the only reason why I did not switch to doctors who deliver at another hospital.  As sick of I am of dr. appointment after dr. appointment, I really think I am going to miss seeing her.  I have found in my journey that there are just certain people who are always willing to listen and WANT to hear how I am doing, and luckily she is one of them.  I have to admit that I did get a little bit of a flashback to receiving a card from her last year.  I guess that's to be expected.

I forgot to write about how I took the plunge and signed back up for free stuff.  I was nervous, but I feel like this baby is coming home with us and I wanted some formula samples and coupons.  I plan to breast feed, but I am sure somewhere along the way I am going to need to supplement since I have to go back to work a lot sooner this time.

Last week I got my first Baby Talk magazine.  I actually sort of read it.  But today, I got this:
Yikes is all I can say.  This baby BETTER come home with us.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

First Birthday

Happy First Birthday, Adelyn! There is so much I want to write, but I am physically and emotionally drained. For anyone who missed it on Facebook, here is the video I made for her:
video

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I held it together for most of it. But my arms ache for her. I long to touch her, feel her, hold her again SO much tonight. I know very soon I will have a new baby to hold and right now that thought terrifies me. I'm not sure how to continue to honor and remember HER and love someone new, someone who I get to hold and touch and feel. It's so hard. It never gets easier.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

What's in a Name?

Let's start with the positives for today:
-Sierra seemed to be back to her old self. She even got a sticker today! And she earned her favorite doll Rosie back.
-Ultrasound went well. Baby is full term today and weighs 6 lbs 8 oz, on track to be 7 lbs 13 oz at term (which I won't make it to). Still head down and doing very well on the biophysical profile.
Not sure if this is a positive or just a funny story to share, but Sierra came with me today and during the whole scan she was saying she had a baby in her belly also. Hers is a girl baby named Isabella. Then tonight she was telling me where the baby in her belly's feet were and that it was hard for her to move around because of the baby in her belly. Oh my, she does NOT miss a thing!

And on to the rest of the day and the title of the post. So we were actually discussing names tonight. We have procrastinated each and every time! Sierra was easy - we both liked the name Brayden for a boy but Trevor liked Hayden better. I was fine with either and so she was going to be Hayden Michael. I'm not sure that Trevor ever came up with a girl name, he had a hard time with it. I also did, but for some reason the whole pregnancy she just felt like a SHE whose name was Sierra. When I first suggested it, Trevor didn't veto it but didn't admit he liked it. Until a few days before she was due, and I was like Hello this baby needs a name!! And he said Hayden for a boy and Sierra for a girl. Sierra means mountain in Spanish, and it just fit since we found out I was pregnant right before we moved from Albuquerque. And I had always wanted her middle name to be Ashley after her dad (I know I think it's an awful name for a boy but love it for a girl).

So on to Adelyn. You would think it would have been easier since we knew she was a girl - but I had a bunch of boy names I liked and no girl names! I think we didn't have her full name picked until maybe the day before she was born - and she was a week late! I wanted to name her Savannah Adelyn. I just thought Sierra and Savannah would be so cute for sisters, and then they would have the same initials as well. I liked Adelyn but worried it sounded too much like Madelyn and that it would become trendy. Trevor didn't like Savannah at all but suggested Adelena, which I really like but I was worried people would call her Lena and that is jokingly my brother's nickname. So we decided on Adelyn for her first name and then the middle name became an issue! I wanted something that meant something to us, not just a random name. At first I thought maybe I should give her Marie as her middle name, since Sierra has Trevor's middle name she should have mine. But I do not like that middle name, it's so common and generic and seems like it is what people pick when they can't think of anything better? Then I wanted something after my mom, but Adelyn Susan didn't sound good. I always wanted to use Michael as a middle name for a boy, because I like it and it's my brother's name and Trevor's brother's middle name. But with two girls, thought I never would get to use it. So when I went into labor on my brother's wedding anniversary, it sealed the deal and we went with Michaela.

So now on to baby #3. Discussing names tonight just really made me sad. It took me back to those last days of Adelyn's pregnancy and how hard it was to come up with her name. And it made me ANGRY that after so much effort and thought was put into it, we chose a name I LOVE and I rarely get to hear it used. It was like a flashback of sorts - it just made me miss her SO much.

And we still have no names. I guess I've had a certain name in my heart for this baby, sort of like it was with Sierra, she was just always a SHE named Sierra. And this baby has always been a HE named ........ I won't say but maybe you will find out in two weeks if my instinct is correct and I can get Trevor to agree to that name.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Day 6

Today was day 6 of Sierra having at least one potty training accident. The past 8 days, she has gotten 7 Xs on her sticker chart. Most days, she has had more than one accident.

I don't know what is going on, but right about now I would really like to have a conversation with God and ask Him what in the world He is trying to do to me. All of a sudden, my kid became disobedient and nasty, regressed to peeing her pants-not that she was ever fully potty trained, but she had been doing SO well - maybe 1 accident per week. I'm trying very hard not to be angry with her, but I am so, SO frustrated. No one seems to really get it. They say, oh give it time, one day it will just click. Really? Because we have been at this for almost a year now. We had tried off and on last summer, but stopped as we neared Adelyn's due date, thinking she would regress. Then we were in no way up for the task after Adelyn died. I would say we started trying again when I went back to work last November. And there seems to be a cycle - she will do well and then regress, the next time do even better, then regress again. That to me is worse because each time I - stupidly - get my hopes up that she got it. Only to have them come crashing down.

Let's add into the equation that Adelyn's birthday is this week and I am 9 months pregnant. Why not put some more stress in our life? It's just what we need, right?

I read somewhere that kids can sense stress, no matter how much you try to hide it. This could be the case - but what do I do about it? There is no way I am going to be calm and the old me for awhile, too much going on. I also read that 3 year olds can regress because they need some TLC and are overwhelmed. I don't know if she senses a big change is coming, or just senses my stress. I tried to make a huge deal when she did go on the potty. Today at least she wasn't nasty and refusing to do anything I asked her to do. But she peed ON HER BED after I had just put clean sheets on it because her diaper leaked the other night. Yeah - she peed so much overnight that it leaked. She rarely had that happen when she was a baby!

I don't really know where to go from here. In roughly two weeks, there is going to be a baby coming home - at least I hope. I really, really hoped Sierra would be potty trained by then but once again, it doesn't seem like my hopes are going to come true. So what do I do? Just continue to try and let her have accidents, which frustrate me no matter how hard I try not to let them and cause more work for me? Do I put her back in diapers and forget it until she actually asks to go on the potty? That is not going to make me happy either. It's kind of embarrassing, for a kid as smart and verbal as her to be wearing diapers. If she was 2.5, I would do it, but she is 3.5!! That is too old to be wearing diapers! I feel so lost and I just really don't know what to do with her.

Please God, give me my sweet, fun loving little girl back! I NEED her this week to cheer me up.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

September 29

It's coming - quickly. And it seems to be haunting me. Everywhere I look, there it is.

At my doctor appointment yesterday, we were trying to figure out some important appointments and such. When discussing my next appointment, the dr. said she was off Friday next week but was at the office I usually go to on Thursday. We both kinda stopped and were like - nope, might not be such a good idea to have an appointment on September 29th. I do love that my dr. actually knows what that date means. I guess sometimes I forget how much it must have affected her as well.

When I buy things like milk, eggs, yogurt, bread, etc. I always check the "sell by" or "use by" dates and try to buy the one that expires the latest. When I was buying my milk, most of them had September 29th as the date on them (I think this was the last time I bought milk, not yesterday). Of course I looked until I found one with a different date. Yesterday, every single loaf of bread I picked up was marked September 29th so I had no choice. And today when I gave Sierra her yogurt, I checked the date like usual and it was September 29th. Ahhhh. Seriously?

I remember last year when I went back to work and logged into IEP Writer (which is what we use to write all the reports on all the students we see). One of my Kindergarten kids was born on September 29th. I remember thinking, great, I get to look at that birthday every time I log in for the next 4 years, since he's likely to be a student I see for awhile.

I know that September 29th is the day I got to meet Adelyn, so it shouldn't be such a BAD day. But it is the date that changed my life forever and there are so many sad memories attached to it. I can't imagine that I will ever see that date and not get a sick feeling in my stomach or something.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Non Stress Tests

Today I had my weekly doctor appointment. I waited - for 30 minutes plus - for my regular appointment. I was starting to think too much when they finally called me back. Apparently they had forgotten to schedule my nonstress test this week so after I had my appointment I had to get it. I was at the doctor's for like 2 hours this morning. Ugh.

I think maybe Sierra is a bit of a celebrity in that office. Everyone asked where she was. I said that I needed a break from her because we have been butting heads lately. The nurse said something along the lines of her being quite precocious. LOL. I said yeah I think the teenage years are going to be quite interesting......

Anyway, when I got all hooked up today, it seemed like the baby's heartbeat was extra loud. And as I laid there without Sierra to distract me, it started bothering me to hear it. I know it should be reassuring, but today it made me think of Adelyn and it made me sad - on the verge of tears sad. When I was done, the nurse made a comment on the nonstress test - "This baby is textbook." I wanted to reach over and slap her and say "Please don't jinx me by saying that!"

Every week I lie in this room and read this poem on the wall, and I find it to be so true and touching that I searched and searched for it and finally found it:
"Young Parents' Prayer"
They're only little once.

Grant me the wisdom to guide them down the path that their feet should take.
For I know that they can never turn back and walk those paths with me again.

Give me the wisdom to guide their feet so that someday they'll be able to walk alone.

They're only little once.
Give me the time I need to enjoy them.
For I know that after they're grown,
I'll never have another chance to tell stories
and pretend at those tea parties.
I'll never have another chance to watch them
in a school play or church sing,
or to see them catch that first fish or hit that first home run ball.

Give me the time in life's busy schedule to have fun with my children.

They're only little once.
Let me be a loving parent.
Let me correct and not punish,
explain and not merely scold.
Let me know when to correct, and how often,
and when it's best to just look the other way.

Help me be patient and give me a gentle hand
to mold them into better people.

They're only little once.

Let me be a good teacher and an even better example.
Give me the right words and deeds to teach them.
Grant me the key to unlock their spirits and set them truly free.
For they're only little one time,
only innocent and trusting and pliable for a space of time,
one minute in an eternity.

Let me do my best for them while I have the chance.

Author Unknown

September 22

It officially over. Adelyn's due date last year. I still have to wonder if she would have been born by then, if she would be here right now. But, the shoulda/woulda/coulda's get me nowhere and it's not how it happened.

Today was uneventful. I was in a crummy mood for most of it. Sierra has been very trying lately, especially when it comes to the potty. She seems to fight everything I ask her to do, even down to putting on her shoes or standing still so I can comb her hair. Ahhh. I need a mommy vacation, but at the same time I cannot bear to be away from her. I'm not sure I am cut out to be a stay-at-home mom after all. Good thing that's not an option for me.

Hoping tomorrow is better. I have a dr. appointment so hopefully we will figure out more of the plan. In the meantime, I am SO uncomfortable. I feel like I could explode. I have to wonder how the heck I went 3.5 more weeks past the point I am in right now with Adelyn. I'm also at the point where I don't really sleep - hence why I am still up right now.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Shirt

Today was a much better day. Maybe it was the sunshine? Maybe it was getting it all out yesterday - I must say I did feel better after I wrote that blog post. I didn't really feel the tears welling up in my eyes today.

I found myself outside after nap time - Sierra finally woke up early enough to go outside and play. I was hanging out in Sierra's baby-sitter's driveway with the neighbors and tons of kids playing. At one point I looked over and saw the other two baby girls - one born in December, the other in March - right next to each other. And for a moment, I had to catch my breath while my heart sank. I thought of how much different it would be if MY baby girl was there too. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I almost cannot even imagine what it would be like anymore. I guess it's less painful that way, but it makes me sad at the same time.

So I am at the point in pregnancy where I have but a few items of clothing that fit comfortably. I remember my mom looking in my closet a few weeks ago, saying she hadn't seen me wear certain shirts yet. I told her don't worry, I am saving them because they are the biggest and probably the only ones that will fit at the very end. Right I was. The only problem is there is one shirt included in the maybe 6 or 7 that fit without me pulling them down every 5 minutes. Every morning when I get dressed, I look through those shirts and focus on it. When I see it, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I remember. This:
This is me on September 29, 2010 about 1:00 pm. I was in labor, ready to head to the hospital, bag packed on the bed. Waiting for my husband to get home from work to take me. Adelyn was born about 5 hours later. So this is the last photograph I have of "happy" times, when she was alive, when I was the "old me." Every single time I see that shirt, I think of that day. I seriously get sick to my stomach for a moment, every time. Yet I keep the shirt hanging there. What do I do with it? I cannot throw it away, put it away, it's a rare memory of Adelyn that is left. So I leave it hanging there until I figure out what to do with it.

Hospital Bracelets

Today I was going through the nursery while Sierra napped. I didn't feel like it, I felt like moping and being sad, but I am running out of time.

Adelyn's memory box that the hospital gave us had been sitting on the dining room table for awhile. Finally one day, I don't remember when, I decided to move it into the nursery - since that was "her" room. So it's been in there for awhile, along with another box my aunt gave me where I keep all the cards we received, but they barely fit in it.

Last summer, I bought one of those photo boxes from Michaels to use for her. I had one for Sierra where I keep things that cannot go in scrapbooks - her little hat, a hand print mold she made at the baby-sitter's, etc. So I thought I should do the same for Adelyn. When things didn't go as planned, I wasn't sure what I should do. Should I keep the box the hospital gave us - it isn't anything great, but it's HERS. Should I make her one? Should I use the one I was originally going to use? Or both? I still haven't decided to be honest. And now I even wonder where I should keep the boxes. But today I did actually unwrap the box I bought and open it. There were a pile of papers on top of her hospital memory box, so I thought I would put them in the other box. Among them are her death certificate (both of them since the original one had the wrong time on it) and papers from the funeral home. I hadn't looked at that stuff for awhile, and it was hard all over again. Maybe because it had been awhile. So then I decided to open her hospital memory box to see what was in it and if I should put it all together or what. Inside were two hats (not sure why she had 2, but one we tracked down when she was sent to get her autopsy at another hospital), the stupid smock thing they put on her instead of asking for her outfit (seeing this made me angry) and the pictures the hospital took of her (these made me even angrier, they are SO awful). And then, in the bottom of the box, this:
I'm not sure what it was about seeing those, but it was too much for me today. So many things flashed in my head. She never got to wear the bracelet, and I didn't get to wear the matching one. Instead I saw a very vivid memory of her - the next day we asked to see her one more time before we checked out. I was hoping the tube would be out of her mouth but it wasn't due to the autopsy. Anyway, I remembered unwrapping her from the white blanket (where did that blanket go anyway - I'd give anything to have it) and just looking at her whole little body. I remember my husband asking me what I was doing. I just wanted to SEE her, inspect every little bit of her, after some of the shock wore off. I was afraid to really touch her, to hold her, because she was so cold. And in my mind all I remember about her little body, is seeing her ankles tied together with a morgue tag on them. And this afternoon I thought, she never got to wear her hospital bracelet, only a morgue tag. And I just completely fell apart.

And then I started thinking about how very soon, a new baby would get to wear almost identical hospital bracelets. The first of many things this new little person will get to do, that his/her sister never got to do. And my heart is broken all over again for my baby girl. While I know she is in a "better place" than here, she never got to experience one moment of this life. I can't think of any other way to describe it, except bittersweet. Very, very bittersweet to think of another baby that gets to live and BE, because she didn't and couldn't.

And that's all I can write for now, because I can't see the screen through the tears. Oh, how I wish I was planning a 1st birthday party instead of reliving some of the most painful moments of my life.

Mommy loves you, baby girl, and even though I never thought it was possible, I miss you even more today than the last time I thought of you.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Relieved - For Now

Baby was still head down at today's ultrasound. The tech estimated the baby's weight at 6 lbs 3 oz today. Based on the growth trend, she said around 8 lbs at full term, but I will be at least a week early. It will be interesting to see if she is right.

So I am feeling relieved, for now. I was a mess on the way there I admit. Apparently the thing pushing out on my ribs is the butt, not the head like I thought. I was certainly right about where the feet are - there is no mistaking those. Ouch. Feels like they may pop out my left side sometimes. It's especially nice when I try to lay on that side - lol.

So I can relax, until I move on to the next thing to worry about. There are plenty of things on that list. Strange that I am anxious about pretty much everything except the baby dying. I guess that's good - BUT on the other hand, all the other worries I have will probably actually happen. A few things on my list of worries:
-childbirth. Whether it happen naturally or c-section, I'm terrified. And the baby HAS to come out one way or another. I know I will be a mess during labor, but if I were to have a c-section I'd still be a mess. So I choose labor as long as baby is ok with it, since it's an easier recovery.
-bonding. I don't believe I have allowed myself to bond much with this baby. Out of fear, yes, but more out of guilt. I feel like I am dishonoring Adelyn by loving another baby. I know it's crazy, but it's how I feel.
-How can I possibly love another child as much as Sierra? I love Adelyn of course, but in a much different way because I never really got to know her. I know that many mothers feel this way about 2nd or 3rd babies, but for me I feel like it's even worse because of all I have been through.
-Other people. I know I shouldn't care what others think. But I worry they will forget about Adelyn or think we are "healed" and "fine" after we have another baby.
-Managing 2 kids. What if Sierra is jealous? How am I going to split my time between the two of them?
-Going back to the hospital. Yes, we have been back there for the Christmas ceremony honoring the babies and I also had 2 doctor appointments at the beginning of this pregnancy in the office inside the hospital. But, I have been nowhere near the maternity section. I am thinking I should do that before I have the baby. However, the timing is awful. How can I go near there in the next week or so, closing in on Adelyn's birthday? I may be strong, but I don't think I am THAT strong.
-the new baby looking like Adelyn. It's already bad enough that quite often I look at Sierra and see Adelyn. But what if the new baby looks like her too?
-my reaction when the baby is actually born. I really can't say how I will be- will I completely lose it and cry from all the mix of emotions or go the opposite way and be numb?
-the baby blues. I never really worried about that before, but this time I am terrified because there is so much else going on. Does that make me more likely to have some form of post-partum depression? Scary.
-going into labor early. Never thought I would say that one. Normally, I would have begged to go at 37 weeks - full term but spares you 3 weeks of uncomfortableness. But this time, 37 weeks is right around Adelyn's birthday. I actually "joked" with my doctor about how ironic it would be if I actually went into labor early the one time I didn't want to (Sierra was 3 days late, Adelyn a week late).

I could probably go on and on if I sat here and thought long enough. It feels better to get those off my chest. Maybe I will sleep better tonight?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

What a Waste

We never went on vacation this summer, so we decided to try a weekend trip. We were going to go in August, but somehow that month came and went before we got a chance. There are really only 2 weeks out of every month hubby can take off due to his work schedule. So we decided since I would be off in September, we could go then and it would be less crowded and maybe even cheaper.

We were going to leave Friday morning, but then pushed it back until after lunch because I was invited to lunch with work friends and I really wanted to see one of my favorite co-workers new baby boy. Plus I keep telling her that we are arranging a marriage between Sierra and her older son, since 1. he's adorable and 2. his last name is the same as my maiden name, but no relation. How cool would it be for Sierra to have my maiden name someday?! So anyway, we had a nice time until the kids pushed the baby gate and it let loose. We didn't realize it until I heard Sierra screaming. She had tumbled down the steps and was bleeding. I was SO freaked out, I ran down to grab her and almost started crying myself. She was fine, just scared, and ended up with a beat up nose. I think I did a pretty good job controlling myself despite being a complete wreck over a tiny bit of blood. I swear lately I have become more and more overprotective of her. When she is playing outside at the neighbors, I often freak out inside evey time I car passes, thinking it is going to hit her and I am going to lose her, too.

Back to the trip -hubby was NOT happy that I ended up staying longer than I planned at the lunch date. So the trip started off bad. We got there and checked in - the cabin wasn't too bad. Small, but clean. We then got dinner and some groceries. We had a fire and then it was time to bed. We could not find heat and the temperature went down to the 40s. The website said the cabins had heat, so I didn't pack extra blankets or anything. The futon we slept on was horrible and hurt my back. Sierra kept waking up, hubby was freezing. None of us got much sleep.

The next morning I woke up grumpy as ever. I was just feeling so anxious and uncomfortable that I could not enjoy the trip. Add the no heat into the mix, and we decided to leave early. Good thing the place was only 2.5 hours away. All that packing for one day, and it wasn't even fun. Sigh.

So, we are home. Our dog is also home now. I am so overly emotional that I almost cried when my dad drove off with him on Thursday afternoon. This house without a dog is WAY too quiet. After all, this dog has been through it ALL with me. This is the dog who stopped sleeping on our bed at some point - but last October, he started again. He knew I needed him. As much as my parents spoiled him, I think he's glad to be home too.

Friday, September 16, 2011

September 15th

September 15th, 2010 will forever be the day that may very well have changed my life. The day I made the worst decision of my life. This is the day that I had the version done to turn Adelyn from breech to head down.

How do I remember this, you may ask? How does one remember this date, yet cannot get the day OR time right of her daughter's swim lessons? Off topic, but we showed up Tuesday night at 5:30 only to learn her class was Monday night at 5. Oops. She wasn't happy - BUT we were able to make up the class tonight.

The reason I remember this is because I know my doctor appointment was on a Monday when the doctor suspected she was breech. I know I went to work the next day, waiting for a call from the not so sensitive nurse to tell me when my appointment for the version would be. I remember being SO anxious about it all. Would it work, or would I need the dreaded, much feared to me, c-section?

I know the version was done about 2 weeks before Adelyn was born. So I figured it out, I guess.

I really didn't think this date would hit me so hard. But I woke up feeling defeated, sad - I don't really know. I can't explain it. I woke up with this overwhelming feeling that the baby had flipped back to breech again. Just as I was falling asleep last night, it started raining and I had to get up and shut all the windows. Then the baby was kicking and moving a lot again - all I was thinking was s/he is flipping back. With all that flipping around, I worry about a cord entanglement or something. Finally I fell asleep, only to be woken up at 6:30 by little footprints. 6:30?! She doesn't even get up that early when I am working - typically I have to plow her out of bed at 7! So add to the emotions that I am utterly exhausted.

Today was chilly, rainy - no mistaking that fall is coming. It reminded me of those first days after Adelyn died - the same sort of weather for a week I swear.

And then there is Facebook - I knew what my status was on this date in 2010. I remember writing it. I didn't even need to see it. But of course I did, and this was it, word for word: On this day in 2010 Lisa "is so, so relieved! Everyone say a little prayer that baby STAYS head down and comes out soon!"

I remember feeling that way. And now I think to myself - if only I had chosen the other option. It's not guaranteed, as we never figured out exactly what happened and when, but I think that there probably would have been a different outcome. Or at least if there wasn't, I would have known that nothing could have saved her. I truly believe that the combination of her cord, the version and labor is what all played a part in what happened. If the version and labor were taken out of the equation........

So today was very, very emotional. We are going away for the weekend since we never went on vacation this summer. My dog is at my parents' house already and I miss him. That isn't helping. I didn't pack yet at all because I just didn't want to do anything but mope today.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Anxious

I am feeling SO anxious today. I was so happy and relieved that the baby turned yesterday. Last night I had a hard time sleeping and I woke up and felt the baby moving a LOT. Which you would think would be relief that s/he is still alive and well in there. Instead it completely freaked me out and I could not fall back asleep. I just kept thinking that the baby was flipping back to breech again.

This morning I felt like the baby was still head down. But tonight as I sit here and type, my anxiety is SO high that the baby has indeed flipped back again. I had my regular doctor appointment today, things are great. The doctor was talking "options" with me - basically when to induce. I am just taking it one day at a time, as are the doctors. I think it sort of depends on my anxiety level, how ready my body appears, etc. I know one thing, I will not be induced before 38 weeks because that is Adelyn's birthday/birth month. Anyway, the doctor was talking about how once babies turn and especially this late, they usually don't turn back. Of course I had to throw my usual comment back at that, nicely of course because she meant well and was trying to make me relax - "Well I know that but me and statistics don't have a very good track record." She knew what I meant, I mean what are the chances of going through a normal labor and at the last second with no warning the baby dies? Has to be less than .1%, but it happened to me. She apologized, not that I thought she needed to, but it was nice of her.

I'm almost afraid to be relieved about the baby turning because I don't want to get my hopes up. There is nothing worse than having these great hopes that make you so excited, relieved, happy - only to have them come crashing down. I've been there and to me it's worse than never having those hopes in the first place. Had I never come so close and been so excited and hopeful about having another little girl, I would never be so sad about NOT getting to keep her here with me. If that makes sense.

Here's to a better night's sleep tonight. I have to make to until Tuesday when I get another ultrasound to know for sure. Yikes! Hmmm, 38 weeks is looking like a better option for induction........

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Ironic

Isn't it ironic? That last year on this date, September 13th, I found out that Adelyn was breech. One year later, on September 13th, I found out that little rainbow baby is NOT breech anymore. I am pretty sure it happened last night too. Praying that it stays that way.

Looking ahead are some MAJOR anniversary dates in the next few days and weeks. Praying the strength stays with me. After a very emotional week or so, I've been very at peace. My only problem is that I want to buy all these things for Adelyn "before her first birthday" and definitely before the new baby is here.

What could I possibly want to buy for my child in Heaven, you ask? I made a garden for her of all pink flowers - in fact I took some pictures to post - but not tonight because I am too tired. It is really blooming - just for her birthday I think. I really wanted to get a personalized stepping stone to put in it. Problem is, the one I really want has a butterfly out of stained glass and it's like $100. Not such a good idea when I am about to get my last paycheck until December. Hubby got me a Pandora bracelet for Christmas with both Sierra and Adelyn's birthstones, but I really wanted to get the "Angel of Hope" charm also because anything having to do with hope reminds me of the hope I have to see her in Heaven again. And, even though I don't think she is really an angel, I do think she watches over all of us like a "guardian angel."

Then I saw these fake pumpkins at Michaels with words carved in them and I thought it would be cool to have one with each of my kids' names on them. Then I looked at the price tag- maybe not!

Another thing I have been thinking about is getting a sketch done. I really don't like any of the pictures I have. Then some days I want everyone to see what she looked like but at the same time I feel like the pictures should be somewhat private. So I thought maybe showing a sketch of her would be perfect. There are two places I found that sketch babies who have died - one only charges $25, the other one is way more expensive but maybe could be more detailed? I can't decide on this, and again, more money - so I just haven't done anything about it yet. I guess it's one of those things I don't HAVE to do now. But I guess I'm worried that once I have a new, living baby to take pictures of, no one will care or want to see a sketch of Adelyn. Crazy mind of mine....

I could go on and on about things I see that I want for her/in her memory. Truth is, I think that buying things to remember her makes me feel better. Like I guess I am worried that people are going to forget her. And I feel guilty about having another baby already - like I am betraying her. I just need to keep telling myself that she knows how much I love her and that is all that matters.

This is one thing I could NOT resist buying - I saw it and fell in love.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Emotional Mess

I realized long ago that I am quite emotional during this pregnancy, for obvious reasons. But today made it quite clear - I am an emotional mess.

Perhaps it is because I woke up yesterday morning on the verge of tears. I pretty much held it in all day. Today I woke up sad again. Hubby was working on our porch, stripping it down so we could restain it because last time we didn't do such a good job and it didn't last. I'm not sure how many times he complained about the fact that we HAVE a deck and would rather have a house with a flat patio in the back.

Sierra went down for her nap a little late. I was cleaning and doing laundry while she slept. Then I finally got a shower. I went outside to ask hubby something. While I was standing on the deck, the neighbor was talking to me and then hubby started telling me to come down and see how good the bottom looked. I asked if I could walk down the stairs, since he had said something about staying off the chemicals earlier. He didn't answer, so I started walking down while talking to the neighbor. Then I slipped, but caught myself, but still got off balance enough that I ended up sitting down. Of course they freaked out. I was fine, but of course hubby had to say something about telling me not to walk down the stairs. Call me crazy, but I never heard that. That was all I needed to start the waterworks for the day. Part embarrassment, part frustration that I'm pregnant and uncoordinated AGAIN. I ran inside and couldn't stop crying. And then I started thinking - what if it had been Sierra who fell down the stairs? It could have been way worse. And then I started thinking about losing her and how I could never handle that. And then I realized that she had been napping for a VERY long time. Our dog started barking and still she wasn't up. So then I started freaking out - what if something happened to her while she was sleeping? What if she wasn't just sleeping in her room? What if something happened to her? I was frozen in fear. To be honest, I hadn't really had one of these moments since those first few weeks after Adelyn died, when I was in the shower and Sierra coughed and I freaked out.

Finally I went in her room, and she was laying there half awake, not wanting to get up, sucking her thumb. Relief. The rest of the night I couldn't stop hugging her and kissing her little face.

Days like this, I wonder how I am going to make it 4.5 more weeks. I hope my emotions get more in check when I'm not pregnant anymore. Enough is enough.....

Friday, September 9, 2011

My Daughter's Eyes

I must admit, today is not the best day for me. So I find it odd that I am typing a somewhat happy post.

I woke up feeling sad and sorry for myself. Angry that I am dealing with exactly what I did NOT want to be dealing with in terms of this pregnancy. Wishing things were different. Even though I know it could be SO much worse.

I had a doctor appointment this morning, just for my weekly nonstress test. I swear if I never see the inside of that office again, I wouldn't mind. I feel like I live there lately. It's still hard at times to be there.

My neighbor offered to watch Sierra so I could go to my appointment. I gave it a lot of thought, and decided that while Sierra would have much more fun playing with her kids, I needed her with me. It's strange, right? Sometimes I feel like I need her more than she needs me. I honestly do not know where I would be without her. If it wasn't for her little face this morning, I think I would still be in bed, crying, anxious, wallowing in self pity. But because of her, I had to get up and get moving.

I can't even explain how much I love it when people say how adorable she is. They have no idea how much it brightens my day. I guess partly because I never got to "show off" Adelyn. Sometimes because it distracts me, especially when I am sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of naive, happy pregnant women. She gives me something else to focus on. For that, I will forever be grateful.

I came across this song awhile back, and while it brings tears to my eyes every single time, today it just sums up how I feel about my little girl. I love you Sierra. I can never thank God enough for giving you to me. And I hope someday you will know just how much you have given back to your mommy already. Sometimes people talk about how much work kids are and how much they give and give to them. I already feel like my kid has given me way more than I could ever give her - and she's only 3.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Nursery

Not a good mix of emotions to be feeling - anxious and frustrated. But there are obvious reasons for both of them. I'm anxious because I only have 5 weeks left. And this is what the baby's room looks like:

I've been trying to organize things, but I seem to just make a bigger mess. Everything we need is in that room - somewhere. Car seat, high chair, pack and play, bath tub, bouncer, swing, floor gym/mat. It will probably stay that way until we come home with a living baby. I just can't bear to look at baby gear sitting around my house unless there is a baby in my house. Even if I do think this baby will come home. Empty baby gear (especially car seats) sort of haunts me. We have what we need and know where it is, that's all I need right now. The boxes need to go, and I'm working on that. Just don't know where to put them! They were all in Sierra's extra closet, but I wanted to move them out of there so she could have more room for her toys and clothes.

Nothing about the room has changed since Sierra lived in it - the furniture is in exactly the same place. The blankets we used for her are still in the same drawers, along with her huge supply of bibs (despite not getting her first tooth until 16 months old, she was a major drooler). But yet, SO much has changed about that room. In it, we made some of the happiest memories - bringing our first born home, moving the crib mattress down as we watched her grow. And then, we moved her out of the room in preparation for her little sister's arrival. I still remember being worried about that and constantly telling her she was a big girl now. Every time we passed the room, I would ask her whose room that was now, and she would say "baby sister's room." I remember just thinking about her saying that used to bring tears to my eyes.

And then on September 30, 2010 when we came home from the hospital empty handed, the door to the room was closed. As if that would make us forget what was in there - shattered hopes and dreams. A closet full of clothes, some old, some new, and some borrowed, and even some blue (who says girls can't wear blue - especially pajamas). I remember going in, sitting there and crying. I remember being SO angry that I took stacks of diapers and threw them all over the place. I remember feeling so guily when Sierra walked in on that, all worried and asking why I was crying. I remember somehow finding the strength just a few days later to go in and sort through things that could be returned. I remember finding Sierra's big sister shirt one day and completely losing it over that.

Then, I remember bravely going in and hanging the angel light in the window at Christmas time. It got easier, but on the door to her closet still hung the outfit she was supposed to come home in. For some reason, the hair bows always made me cry. Sometimes I would go in and look at them just to make myself cry. Some days it just needed to come out and I'd feel better, so I would go in to trigger it.

Then closer to Sierra's birthday, I planted some seeds. I left the blind to the window open for the first time. I bought this little greenhosue thing and set it up in her room. And surprisingly, some of those seeds turned into flowers that are blooming now:
And now this room holds new hopes and dreams for a new baby. Although to be honest, I'm not really sure that I've allowed myself to hope and dream about this baby yet. The one thing I do allow myself to think about is when Sierra gets to meet the baby - but beyond that there is nothing - yet.

I guess I'm glad that we did not make a nursery just for Adelyn, because that would have been way harder to deal with. This room has happy memories, and sad ones, but it is the room that was made for ALL my babies to sleep in. Even if one of them never got to, the same amount of love was put into getting it ready for her. I like to think that her spirit is in there somewhere. Right now, her memory box and some of her clothes are still in there. I guess that room is no longer "hers" - so I'm not sure where to put her things now. I'd like to keep something of hers in there, but is that fair to her little sibling? I don't want rainbow baby to feel overshadowed.

The next big step is going to be leaving the door open. While I go in to organize a lot now and even let Sierra come in and play with her old baby toys while I'm in there, I still haven't been able to leave the door open. Maybe it being a complete mess is why, but I'm sure that's only part of it.

I guess it's time to get to bed. I can't sleep, I'm too anxious and frustrated about this whole end of pregnancy thing. I just want it to be over, but then I'm scared of that too. Why can't anything just be easy anymore?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

September

Today I changed the calendars to September. I never knew something so simple could be so difficult. I was ok at first. And then I clicked on a link in my e-mail to read a Facebook comment and when I got there, the dreaded thing appeared next to the post in the sidebar - "Your Status on this Day in 2010." My status on September 1, 2010 was this: "37 weeks! Anytime now baby, we're almost ready." It was just the trigger I needed. Immediately, the tears came, flowing, almost hysterical crying. A reminder of what we lost, of what was going to be, of happier times. The grief felt so raw all over again. Why? How did this happen and when? We will never know the answers to those questions.

On days like these, I have to wonder how I thought having another baby due so close to Adelyn's birthday would be a good idea. I knew the end of another pregnancy would be difficult. But how did I think I was supposed to handle all that, plus Adelyn's first birthday? It's like reliving things, but with a different baby I am often comparing to Adelyn (and hopefully with a different outcome). Even yesterday, when I had my first nonstress test. While the sound of the baby's heartbeat was reassuring, it was also difficult. The last time I got to listen to a heartbeat for an extended time on a monitor like that was during labor with Adelyn. That is the last - and only - sound of hers I ever heard.

And so we embark on September. I still say, put me in a cave and wake me up when it's October - specifically around the week of October 10th and this is all over.

I can't seem to stop hearing this song play over and over in my head. It just fits the situation so perfectly.