Monday, October 29, 2012

Catching Up - Capture Your Grief Days 24, 25, & 26

Day 24. Siblings - I don't even know where to start on this one.  I'm not sure how much Sierra understood at 2.5, or even now at 4.5 how much she understands.  The other day she and Coen were playing in his new ball pit while I was doing dishes.  I could still hear and see them, as the family room is open to the kitchen, but I will frequently ask Sierra where Coen is when I do this, because I have to take my eyes off him.  So she says, "Mommy, Coen's not here.  He died and went up in the sky."  Comments like this, make me realize how different she is from "most" kids.  That thought would not even cross a kid's mind, had they not had someone close to them die.

I do believe that although Sierra may not have entirely understood, she did know something was wrong and that mommy and daddy weren't themselves and was probably very confused about why everyone else she was around got to bring home the baby that was in their mommy's belly and she didn't.  She probably wonders why we got to bring Coen home and not Adelyn.  I know she does, she has asked it before.

I also know that potty training was majorly affected by Adelyn dying.  It took Sierra over a year, close to 1.5 years, to be potty trained during the day.  There was so much regression, doing well, there was so much else going on in our house.  I was so easily frustrated by her accidents, refusal to go on the potty, being stubborn, you name it.  I believe that is to be expected, given I was grieving heavily, then pregnant again and hormonal on top of it, all while trying to potty train her.  It was say the least.  I hate that my daughter had to go through all that with me.

I think this photo captures her grief....she doesn't know to be sad really, although she has told me she misses Adelyn.

This is the first family photo Sierra drew - of course she included Mommy, Daddy, herself, the dog (but not the cat) and Adelyn.  I think Adelyn is the blob on the lower right, the thing up in the sky is the sun (I originally thought that was Adelyn but she was very adamant that it was the sun).  It made me happy that she included Adelyn, but sad that she almost didn't know how to draw her.  She drew this in March, right before she she turned 3.

Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing - Since Adelyn was our second child, and second girl, we did not have a baby shower or get many gifts.  Most stuff I bought for her, except I do recall a pair of baby pumpkin socks my cousin bought me that I sadly gave back to her.  I don't have a picture of them.  I also remember a pair of black leggings my mom and I bought for her, I found them not to long ago and it made my heart hurt.  One thing I do have a picture of that was a gift from my coworkers is this:
How fitting that it is a butterfly?  I had it attached to her car seat ready to go, I thought with it and the pink Hello Kitty toy we had from Sierra, that no one would mistake her for a boy leaving the hospital like they did Sierra - because our car seat was green and gray.  I gave this to a special rainbow baby, and I know she treasures it.  Her mom even sent me a picture of her walking around with it.  Made me smile.

This onesie was given to me by a student's family - ok I am sure it was his mother who picked it out.  I was excited because it said "I love mom" and usually all girl stuff says "I love daddy."  Plus I was convinced she was coming early and this would be good for warmer fall weather.  Ha, I was so wrong.

Day 26. Their Age - Adelyn was born at 41 weeks gestation, and died at 18 minutes old, although she never took a breath.  She had a faint heartbeat at birth, but I am not sure if she really lived on earth.  The moments she was technically "alive"  (from 5:46 to 6:04 when they pronounced her dead) she was with doctors and nurses, poking her, doing CPR, putting tubes in her.....

This is me right before we left for the hospital on September 29, 2010.  I was in labor, and wanting to just meet my baby.  This is the last "photo" of her alive.


car said...

It's so hard when D says things about dying that freak me out. She's 5 and I don't think she really understands now. I'm not sure how I would react if she said something about C.S. dying.

That onesie is super cute.

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