Saturday, October 6, 2012

Capture Your Grief Day 6

Day 6. What Not To Say - This is easy.  While there have been MANY things said to me that left me angry, upset, hurt, etc. - and many more things that have made me go hmmmm.... (remember that song?), I am going to share the one that currently bothers me most.

"Be thankful for the two healthy, beautiful children you DO have."  Or any variation - I've had that phrase said with some added words at the beginning: "remember to" or  "you need to".

Oh it makes me scratch my head in wonder.  However well meaning the comment is, it makes me stop and think "really?"

I highly doubt you will find a mother anywhere who is MORE thankful for the children she has.

I still smile when I glimpse in my backseat and see two carseats.  Or when I sit and watch the kids play, even fight.  Find me a mother who still does these things, a year after her second or third or even fourth child was born.

I am very, very grateful for them. 

Why does missing the child you never got to bring home, make people think you are not grateful for the two you did get to bring home?  I'm not allowed to miss my baby, be upset that she died, because I have two other children?  Children aren't replaceable.

How about something more like, "I know you miss Adelyn, but I also know that losing her has made you appreciate the two kids you do have here even more."

If someone said that to me, it would probably make my day.


KnottedFingers said...

The first you mentioned is my biggest pet peeve!! People like to tell me 'Focus on your living children!' and I want to say 'You twit! They are the only thing keeping me alive!!'

car said...

Yes, the "be thankful for children you have" advice. Grrrrrr! I'm thankfulful for ALL my children. Mothers love all their children equally so how will being thankful for 2 of them make me not miss the other.

KrystalK said...

That was also one of my #one "Things you just dont say"

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