The Shirt

Today was a much better day. Maybe it was the sunshine? Maybe it was getting it all out yesterday - I must say I did feel better after I wrote that blog post. I didn't really feel the tears welling up in my eyes today.

I found myself outside after nap time - Sierra finally woke up early enough to go outside and play. I was hanging out in Sierra's baby-sitter's driveway with the neighbors and tons of kids playing. At one point I looked over and saw the other two baby girls - one born in December, the other in March - right next to each other. And for a moment, I had to catch my breath while my heart sank. I thought of how much different it would be if MY baby girl was there too. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I almost cannot even imagine what it would be like anymore. I guess it's less painful that way, but it makes me sad at the same time.

So I am at the point in pregnancy where I have but a few items of clothing that fit comfortably. I remember my mom looking in my closet a few weeks ago, saying she hadn't seen me wear certain shirts yet. I told her don't worry, I am saving them because they are the biggest and probably the only ones that will fit at the very end. Right I was. The only problem is there is one shirt included in the maybe 6 or 7 that fit without me pulling them down every 5 minutes. Every morning when I get dressed, I look through those shirts and focus on it. When I see it, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I remember. This:

This is me on September 29, 2010 about 1:00 pm. I was in labor, ready to head to the hospital, bag packed on the bed. Waiting for my husband to get home from work to take me. Adelyn was born about 5 hours later. So this is the last photograph I have of "happy" times, when she was alive, when I was the "old me." Every single time I see that shirt, I think of that day. I seriously get sick to my stomach for a moment, every time. Yet I keep the shirt hanging there. What do I do with it? I cannot throw it away, put it away, it's a rare memory of Adelyn that is left. So I leave it hanging there until I figure out what to do with it.