Sunday, September 11, 2011

Emotional Mess

I realized long ago that I am quite emotional during this pregnancy, for obvious reasons. But today made it quite clear - I am an emotional mess.

Perhaps it is because I woke up yesterday morning on the verge of tears. I pretty much held it in all day. Today I woke up sad again. Hubby was working on our porch, stripping it down so we could restain it because last time we didn't do such a good job and it didn't last. I'm not sure how many times he complained about the fact that we HAVE a deck and would rather have a house with a flat patio in the back.

Sierra went down for her nap a little late. I was cleaning and doing laundry while she slept. Then I finally got a shower. I went outside to ask hubby something. While I was standing on the deck, the neighbor was talking to me and then hubby started telling me to come down and see how good the bottom looked. I asked if I could walk down the stairs, since he had said something about staying off the chemicals earlier. He didn't answer, so I started walking down while talking to the neighbor. Then I slipped, but caught myself, but still got off balance enough that I ended up sitting down. Of course they freaked out. I was fine, but of course hubby had to say something about telling me not to walk down the stairs. Call me crazy, but I never heard that. That was all I needed to start the waterworks for the day. Part embarrassment, part frustration that I'm pregnant and uncoordinated AGAIN. I ran inside and couldn't stop crying. And then I started thinking - what if it had been Sierra who fell down the stairs? It could have been way worse. And then I started thinking about losing her and how I could never handle that. And then I realized that she had been napping for a VERY long time. Our dog started barking and still she wasn't up. So then I started freaking out - what if something happened to her while she was sleeping? What if she wasn't just sleeping in her room? What if something happened to her? I was frozen in fear. To be honest, I hadn't really had one of these moments since those first few weeks after Adelyn died, when I was in the shower and Sierra coughed and I freaked out.

Finally I went in her room, and she was laying there half awake, not wanting to get up, sucking her thumb. Relief. The rest of the night I couldn't stop hugging her and kissing her little face.

Days like this, I wonder how I am going to make it 4.5 more weeks. I hope my emotions get more in check when I'm not pregnant anymore. Enough is enough.....


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