Friday, September 16, 2011

September 15th

September 15th, 2010 will forever be the day that may very well have changed my life. The day I made the worst decision of my life. This is the day that I had the version done to turn Adelyn from breech to head down.

How do I remember this, you may ask? How does one remember this date, yet cannot get the day OR time right of her daughter's swim lessons? Off topic, but we showed up Tuesday night at 5:30 only to learn her class was Monday night at 5. Oops. She wasn't happy - BUT we were able to make up the class tonight.

The reason I remember this is because I know my doctor appointment was on a Monday when the doctor suspected she was breech. I know I went to work the next day, waiting for a call from the not so sensitive nurse to tell me when my appointment for the version would be. I remember being SO anxious about it all. Would it work, or would I need the dreaded, much feared to me, c-section?

I know the version was done about 2 weeks before Adelyn was born. So I figured it out, I guess.

I really didn't think this date would hit me so hard. But I woke up feeling defeated, sad - I don't really know. I can't explain it. I woke up with this overwhelming feeling that the baby had flipped back to breech again. Just as I was falling asleep last night, it started raining and I had to get up and shut all the windows. Then the baby was kicking and moving a lot again - all I was thinking was s/he is flipping back. With all that flipping around, I worry about a cord entanglement or something. Finally I fell asleep, only to be woken up at 6:30 by little footprints. 6:30?! She doesn't even get up that early when I am working - typically I have to plow her out of bed at 7! So add to the emotions that I am utterly exhausted.

Today was chilly, rainy - no mistaking that fall is coming. It reminded me of those first days after Adelyn died - the same sort of weather for a week I swear.

And then there is Facebook - I knew what my status was on this date in 2010. I remember writing it. I didn't even need to see it. But of course I did, and this was it, word for word: On this day in 2010 Lisa "is so, so relieved! Everyone say a little prayer that baby STAYS head down and comes out soon!"

I remember feeling that way. And now I think to myself - if only I had chosen the other option. It's not guaranteed, as we never figured out exactly what happened and when, but I think that there probably would have been a different outcome. Or at least if there wasn't, I would have known that nothing could have saved her. I truly believe that the combination of her cord, the version and labor is what all played a part in what happened. If the version and labor were taken out of the equation........

So today was very, very emotional. We are going away for the weekend since we never went on vacation this summer. My dog is at my parents' house already and I miss him. That isn't helping. I didn't pack yet at all because I just didn't want to do anything but mope today.


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