Monday, September 19, 2011

Relieved - For Now

Baby was still head down at today's ultrasound. The tech estimated the baby's weight at 6 lbs 3 oz today. Based on the growth trend, she said around 8 lbs at full term, but I will be at least a week early. It will be interesting to see if she is right.

So I am feeling relieved, for now. I was a mess on the way there I admit. Apparently the thing pushing out on my ribs is the butt, not the head like I thought. I was certainly right about where the feet are - there is no mistaking those. Ouch. Feels like they may pop out my left side sometimes. It's especially nice when I try to lay on that side - lol.

So I can relax, until I move on to the next thing to worry about. There are plenty of things on that list. Strange that I am anxious about pretty much everything except the baby dying. I guess that's good - BUT on the other hand, all the other worries I have will probably actually happen. A few things on my list of worries:
-childbirth. Whether it happen naturally or c-section, I'm terrified. And the baby HAS to come out one way or another. I know I will be a mess during labor, but if I were to have a c-section I'd still be a mess. So I choose labor as long as baby is ok with it, since it's an easier recovery.
-bonding. I don't believe I have allowed myself to bond much with this baby. Out of fear, yes, but more out of guilt. I feel like I am dishonoring Adelyn by loving another baby. I know it's crazy, but it's how I feel.
-How can I possibly love another child as much as Sierra? I love Adelyn of course, but in a much different way because I never really got to know her. I know that many mothers feel this way about 2nd or 3rd babies, but for me I feel like it's even worse because of all I have been through.
-Other people. I know I shouldn't care what others think. But I worry they will forget about Adelyn or think we are "healed" and "fine" after we have another baby.
-Managing 2 kids. What if Sierra is jealous? How am I going to split my time between the two of them?
-Going back to the hospital. Yes, we have been back there for the Christmas ceremony honoring the babies and I also had 2 doctor appointments at the beginning of this pregnancy in the office inside the hospital. But, I have been nowhere near the maternity section. I am thinking I should do that before I have the baby. However, the timing is awful. How can I go near there in the next week or so, closing in on Adelyn's birthday? I may be strong, but I don't think I am THAT strong.
-the new baby looking like Adelyn. It's already bad enough that quite often I look at Sierra and see Adelyn. But what if the new baby looks like her too?
-my reaction when the baby is actually born. I really can't say how I will be- will I completely lose it and cry from all the mix of emotions or go the opposite way and be numb?
-the baby blues. I never really worried about that before, but this time I am terrified because there is so much else going on. Does that make me more likely to have some form of post-partum depression? Scary.
-going into labor early. Never thought I would say that one. Normally, I would have begged to go at 37 weeks - full term but spares you 3 weeks of uncomfortableness. But this time, 37 weeks is right around Adelyn's birthday. I actually "joked" with my doctor about how ironic it would be if I actually went into labor early the one time I didn't want to (Sierra was 3 days late, Adelyn a week late).

I could probably go on and on if I sat here and thought long enough. It feels better to get those off my chest. Maybe I will sleep better tonight?


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