The Nursery

Not a good mix of emotions to be feeling - anxious and frustrated. But there are obvious reasons for both of them. I'm anxious because I only have 5 weeks left. And this is what the baby's room looks like:

I've been trying to organize things, but I seem to just make a bigger mess. Everything we need is in that room - somewhere. Car seat, high chair, pack and play, bath tub, bouncer, swing, floor gym/mat. It will probably stay that way until we come home with a living baby. I just can't bear to look at baby gear sitting around my house unless there is a baby in my house. Even if I do think this baby will come home. Empty baby gear (especially car seats) sort of haunts me. We have what we need and know where it is, that's all I need right now. The boxes need to go, and I'm working on that. Just don't know where to put them! They were all in Sierra's extra closet, but I wanted to move them out of there so she could have more room for her toys and clothes.

Nothing about the room has changed since Sierra lived in it - the furniture is in exactly the same place. The blankets we used for her are still in the same drawers, along with her huge supply of bibs (despite not getting her first tooth until 16 months old, she was a major drooler). But yet, SO much has changed about that room. In it, we made some of the happiest memories - bringing our first born home, moving the crib mattress down as we watched her grow. And then, we moved her out of the room in preparation for her little sister's arrival. I still remember being worried about that and constantly telling her she was a big girl now. Every time we passed the room, I would ask her whose room that was now, and she would say "baby sister's room." I remember just thinking about her saying that used to bring tears to my eyes.

And then on September 30, 2010 when we came home from the hospital empty handed, the door to the room was closed. As if that would make us forget what was in there - shattered hopes and dreams. A closet full of clothes, some old, some new, and some borrowed, and even some blue (who says girls can't wear blue - especially pajamas). I remember going in, sitting there and crying. I remember being SO angry that I took stacks of diapers and threw them all over the place. I remember feeling so guily when Sierra walked in on that, all worried and asking why I was crying. I remember somehow finding the strength just a few days later to go in and sort through things that could be returned. I remember finding Sierra's big sister shirt one day and completely losing it over that.

Then, I remember bravely going in and hanging the angel light in the window at Christmas time. It got easier, but on the door to her closet still hung the outfit she was supposed to come home in. For some reason, the hair bows always made me cry. Sometimes I would go in and look at them just to make myself cry. Some days it just needed to come out and I'd feel better, so I would go in to trigger it.

Then closer to Sierra's birthday, I planted some seeds. I left the blind to the window open for the first time. I bought this little greenhosue thing and set it up in her room. And surprisingly, some of those seeds turned into flowers that are blooming now:

And now this room holds new hopes and dreams for a new baby. Although to be honest, I'm not really sure that I've allowed myself to hope and dream about this baby yet. The one thing I do allow myself to think about is when Sierra gets to meet the baby - but beyond that there is nothing - yet.

I guess I'm glad that we did not make a nursery just for Adelyn, because that would have been way harder to deal with. This room has happy memories, and sad ones, but it is the room that was made for ALL my babies to sleep in. Even if one of them never got to, the same amount of love was put into getting it ready for her. I like to think that her spirit is in there somewhere. Right now, her memory box and some of her clothes are still in there. I guess that room is no longer "hers" - so I'm not sure where to put her things now. I'd like to keep something of hers in there, but is that fair to her little sibling? I don't want rainbow baby to feel overshadowed.

The next big step is going to be leaving the door open. While I go in to organize a lot now and even let Sierra come in and play with her old baby toys while I'm in there, I still haven't been able to leave the door open. Maybe it being a complete mess is why, but I'm sure that's only part of it.

I guess it's time to get to bed. I can't sleep, I'm too anxious and frustrated about this whole end of pregnancy thing. I just want it to be over, but then I'm scared of that too. Why can't anything just be easy anymore?