Monday, December 19, 2011

Forgetting, then Remembering

I can't remember where I read these words - forgetting, then remembering.  I know it was someone else's blog.  I remember relating to it so well.  Especially tonight.

It's not that I forgot that I have another daughter.  Trust me, I think about her every single day.  I guess I just am used to it now, it's just so much a part of who I am that it's just always there.  I forget to be sad about it sometimes.

Tonight I was reading my e-mail and I got a message from my sister-in-law and brother.  They had sent a gift to a little girl in need who was born on September 29, 2010.  I always thought about doing something like that, but right now we are just trying to get back on our feet after 3 months of no paycheck for me.

Something about the message - the way it was written, the music, the words in the little video that played (love, joy, peace, faith) - caught me off guard.  It was written TO Adelyn.  I think because of that, it made me remember that she WAS real.  I really did have another daughter, I DO have another daughter.

I can't explain how it made me feel.  Touched is the best word.  That was the perfect gift, so thoughtful and special.  I love that they remembered Adelyn.  But yet as I sat there and watched it, the tears came.  It made the fact that she isn't here seem so real.  I was really, really sad at the same time.  I miss her and all the hopes and dreams we had for her.  This year is gentler, yes - but when I think back to last year, that pain I felt last year still hurts as much this year. 

I don't even know how to thank them.  Somehow, saying that I love the gift but it made me cry doesn't seem right.  I don't want them to feel bad for making me sad.  I just don't think that anyone who hasn't lost a child can understand why making me cry isn't always a bad thing.  I would rather cry because someone remembered, than cry because no one did.


Jennifer W said...

You worded these feelings so perfectly. I worry about crying when someone mentions Sam's name because I don't want them feeling like they upset me because they didn't. When I cry because I feel like no one remembers Sam, that pain is very hurtful and lonely. But when someone remembers Sam even though the tears are flowing my heart is rejoicing that he meant something and was real for someone else. It is wonderful that your family openly remembers Adelyn.

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