Thanksgiving was a frustrating mess - literally and figuratively! We made the mashed potatoes for the second straight year. Last year, I waited to the last second so they would still be warm and we were late to dinner. This year I decided to try it a different way and make them in advance and just warm them up when we got to my aunt's house. Except apparently when you let the potatoes cool before mixing them, they get lumpy. So we made a second batch and mixed them together. It made a huge mess and had both of us frustrated beyond belief. And we were pretty much late to dinner again.
Trevor was trying to help by getting Sierra dressed and doing her hair. He gave her two ponytails and they didn't look bad! Except for the red and green Christmas hair bows he put in her hair! Somehow he thought they matched this shirt:
Coen spit up all over his shirt minutes after I put him in it. What is this spit up thing anyway? Sierra spit up like twice in her whole life. I completely freaked out when he did it today, because it was more than he had ever spit up. I was worried that this meant he was going to have reflux.
Grief caught me off guard today. I thought once we got through all the "firsts" that it would be easier. In some ways I feel like maybe it is just as difficult this year. I still miss her just as much as last year. No, it isn't so raw. I'm genuinely happy for the most part, but still sad and missing her at the same time. This year no one mentions her anymore. I feel like they forget her, like they think I am not sad or having a hard time at holidays anymore. Especially now that we have Coen. Everyone is so busy fussing over him that I think they forget the reason he is here - because she isn't.
I actually overheard a comment about how nice it is that my brother and I both have "one of each" and they are so close in age and how "perfect" it is. I know what was meant by it, and I know it came from a well-meaning place. But I can't help but be bothered by it. It makes my blood boil. I do NOT have one of each, I have TWO daughters and one son. It's comments like that, that make me think she is forgotten.
When we were at my in-laws, there was this sad song playing on the TV and when I looked up at the screen, I saw a picture of a baby girl with a big bow in her hair. I almost couldn't contain the lump in my throat. And then there is this baby doll in a cradle that sits in front of their fireplace. Last year when we were there, it bothered me. The cradle reminded me of a coffin for one. When you pick the baby doll up its arms fall limply to the side. That is one of the images that haunts me - I remember seeing Trevor holding Adelyn and her arms did that, so lifeless. Very often when I see baby dolls - even Sierra's favorite doll Rosie - with arms like that, that image flashes in my head. This year, seeing the doll reminded me of last year and how much I hurt. And once again I saw that image of Adelyn's lifeless arms in my head.
I didn't expect to have a lump in my throat all day long. I miss her. As absolutely crazy and frustrating as the last few days have been, I find myself longing for more of it. I wish I had a 14 month old little girl to chase around too. I know that would be pure craziness, but I don't care. It would be better than her not being here.
1 week ago