4:30 in the morning

No, it's not 4:30 am right now.  But I WAS up at 4:30 this morning to feed Coen and wanted to write what was going through my head then.

I was so exhausted and overwhelmed yesterday I was ready to lose it.  Being tired makes me cranky and I felt like I was not being a good mommy to Sierra as a result.  So we decided to have her sleep over my parents' house so I could get some sleep - at least if she wasn't here I could sleep in with Coen a little later.  Sometimes he wakes up to eat at 4 or 5 and then I go back to sleep but Sierra gets up at 7.  That hour or two of sleep is like a tease and often makes me more tired.

So I dropped her off but it was hard to get out of my parents' house because Coen was awake and smiling.  When we got home he was awake and alert, even after I fed him!  He was up till 11!  I tried to feed him again right before he went to sleep but he didn't eat much before he fell asleep.

As I mentioned before, I always pump before bed. But last night it was already 11 and I was exhausted, so I decided to skip it.  Since he didn't nurse very long, I probably should have.

I went to bed right after him and he slept till 4:30 am.  So I got 5 straight hours of sleep.  It was lovely!  I felt more rested even at 4:30 am than I have in awhile!  Which is probably why I remember what I was thinking while feeding him.

I woke up pretty uncomfortable because I didn't pump and it had been awhile since he had a good feeding.  As I sat there, I remembered a conversation I had with a friend the last time he slept long about how uncomfortable it was.  She said how that is the worst feeling.  Many times when people make comments like that, I answer them in my head, but never out loud because I don't want to sound negative all the time and down play what other people think is hard - it is hard for them.  Usually I will think about how everything is so much harder when you have lost a baby.  So in my head, I was thinking "yeah try having that feeling for DAYS and yet having no baby to feed.  Constant uncomfortable reminder of what you should have."

And so at 4:30 this morning, that is what I was thinking about.  Then I started thinking about Adelyn and the days/weeks right after she died.  I wish I could forget how awful it was to have that full feeling that you get when you miss a feeding - for like a week straight.  But I remember it like it was yesterday.

I miss her.  I catch myself thinking about her randomly like that.  Having another baby has been so healing, but it does bring up a lot of things that remind me of painful memories - like what happened this morning.

We love you baby girl - you are never far from our thoughts, even if it may appear that way to others.