Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I am so, so sick of dealing with hormones!  Why did I think that magically after 6 weeks they would be gone?  Ha ha!  I think they are worse right now.  I'm not sure if back-to-back pregnancies makes it worse, or I just don't remember last time because the grief overpowered everything.  I'm so done with hormones, but I know they are not done with me.

Today was one of those happy one minute, sad the next kind of days.  Is it because the holidays are approaching?  I was thinking this year was going to be totally different - happy because we get to celebrate a baby's first holidays.  It helps, no doubt, but I'm kidding myself thinking that it is going to be all happy.  Maybe it is going to hit me a bit more than I expect this year, because last year I think I was still numb.

I felt as emotional today as I did when I was pregnant.  I don't know what it was.  The first thing to make me cry was this article:

Then it was watching the X Factor.  Sierra was napping and I was nursing Coen.  Everyone was darn good this week, but what got me was LeRoy Bell singing "Angel" - which was played at Adelyn's funeral.  That was quite a moment, hearing that song while I was sitting there nursing Coen.  Then my favorite, Josh (can't spell his last name) dedicated his song to his daughter.  Father/daughter moments always get me, because I think of Sierra and her dad's relationship and the one he never got to have with Adelyn.

Then of course, today is Ryan Elizabeth Watt's first birthday in Heaven.  I wore my shirt to honor her today:
I thought of her mommy today and how she is not only missing Ryan but also Ryan's dad, who is deployed.  I thought about all the other families missing their babies, how there are so many names on that shirt and so many more who have joined our babies since the shirt was printed.

Sigh......I just want to feel like myself again.  I want someone to tell me how long it takes for the hormones to go back to "normal."  I'm sure there is no answer to that, but of course I forgot to ask at my dr. appointment this week.  I'm sick of hot flashes, mood swings, impatience.....I am sure my family is even sicker of it than me!


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