Monday, November 21, 2011

6 weeks

How has it been six weeks already?  Part of me feels like the time has gone so fast, the blink of an eye.  Wasn't it just yesterday that I was holding Coen for the first time?  Yet part of me feels like he has been here forever.

Today I had my lovely 6 week check up.  It was SO weird to be in that office with a baby.  Almost exactly one year ago to the date, I was in that same office for the same 6 week check up.  Except that time, I had no baby and was going over autopsy results.  What a difference a year makes.

Another weird thing about today is that I am almost positive that the same woman that was leaving the hospital with her baby at the exact same time as me, was sitting in the waiting room today.  It had to be her.  I was going to say something, but then Coen pooped and trust me you can hear that from across the room. And so I got preoccupied and a little embarrassed!

I left the appointment in a strange mood.  Sad that it is all over and that I am 99.9% sure I will never get to do it again.  I keep telling myself that at some point, my child bearing days have to be over.  I thought I would be happy for it to be over - I can't even put into words how hard the pregnancy was.  There is also a little bit of relief that it's over, mixed in with some happiness.  I mean, I can NOT wait to have my body back!  Granted I have quite a few more months of breastfeeding and some weight to lose before that happens.  But I have spent the majority of the time since June of 2007 either pregnant or breastfeeding.  I believe there are about 10 months out of that time when I was neither.  Yikes....

I thought about Adelyn so many times today.  I drove past the funeral home we used.  I drove past a Catholic Cemetary, and when I do I wonder if we should have buried her there?  Of course being in the dr. office always reminds me of her.  I actually got to talk about her today as well - both at my dr. appointment and during a play date this morning.  I can't tell you how much I love being around people who want to know about Adelyn.  Just being able to say her name or tell her story to someone who hasn't heard it.  It's like a gift.  I will never tire of that.  In fact, after today I feel like I really need to chat with some of my friends who walk this journey with me.  It's been awhile and it is a needed part of this process, to talk or visit with othe rmoms who understand.

The song "Someone Like You" by Adele came on in the car - for some reason it reminds me of Adelyn.  Actually it reminds me of when I was pregnant with Coen and an emotional mess, especially this lyric:
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Plus the tone of this song just suited how I was feeling at the time.  It takes me back.

And so I should be getting to bed.  I have lots of blogs started in my head, so expect some more frequent posts to come.  If I can find the time......


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