4:30 in the morning

No, it's not 4:30 am right now.  But I WAS up at 4:30 this morning to feed Coen and wanted to write what was going through my head then.

I was so exhausted and overwhelmed yesterday I was ready to lose it.  Being tired makes me cranky and I felt like I was not being a good mommy to Sierra as a result.  So we decided to have her sleep over my parents' house so I could get some sleep - at least if she wasn't here I could sleep in with Coen a little later.  Sometimes he wakes up to eat at 4 or 5 and then I go back to sleep but Sierra gets up at 7.  That hour or two of sleep is like a tease and often makes me more tired.

So I dropped her off but it was hard to get out of my parents' house because Coen was awake and smiling.  When we got home he was awake and alert, even after I fed him!  He was up till 11!  I tried to feed him again right before he went to sleep but he didn't eat much before he fell asleep.

As I mentioned before, I always pump before bed. But last night it was already 11 and I was exhausted, so I decided to skip it.  Since he didn't nurse very long, I probably should have.

I went to bed right after him and he slept till 4:30 am.  So I got 5 straight hours of sleep.  It was lovely!  I felt more rested even at 4:30 am than I have in awhile!  Which is probably why I remember what I was thinking while feeding him.

I woke up pretty uncomfortable because I didn't pump and it had been awhile since he had a good feeding.  As I sat there, I remembered a conversation I had with a friend the last time he slept long about how uncomfortable it was.  She said how that is the worst feeling.  Many times when people make comments like that, I answer them in my head, but never out loud because I don't want to sound negative all the time and down play what other people think is hard - it is hard for them.  Usually I will think about how everything is so much harder when you have lost a baby.  So in my head, I was thinking "yeah try having that feeling for DAYS and yet having no baby to feed.  Constant uncomfortable reminder of what you should have."

And so at 4:30 this morning, that is what I was thinking about.  Then I started thinking about Adelyn and the days/weeks right after she died.  I wish I could forget how awful it was to have that full feeling that you get when you miss a feeding - for like a week straight.  But I remember it like it was yesterday.

I miss her.  I catch myself thinking about her randomly like that.  Having another baby has been so healing, but it does bring up a lot of things that remind me of painful memories - like what happened this morning.

We love you baby girl - you are never far from our thoughts, even if it may appear that way to others.

Some Things to Smile About

I realize my last few posts have been a bit gloomy.  So it's time for a happy post :)

Some things to smile about today:
-Sierra slept till 9!! And so did I!  I'm still tired because the 3 hours at a time of sleep just isn't cutting it.  But sleeping in helps!
-We got out our Christmas decorations!  The one I am most excited about getting out is Adelyn's pink Christmas tree.  Although I was very sad that one of the ornaments I bought for her last year broke :(  For some reason when something of hers breaks, it bothers me WAY more than usual.  Like when the night light someone gave us broke.....
-I went shopping all by myself today!  I was only gone for about 2 hours because I can't leave Coen for much longer than that.  I got a few things crossed off my list though.
-I exchanged the pink scrapbook for a blue/green/yellow one.  I'm not sure if I should smile about this, but it's over with.  The scrapbook colors match Coen's baby book, and that makes me smile.  I like to match, a trait Sierra has inherited.
-I finally caved and let Trevor give Coen his first bottle tonight.  And he did GREAT - no problems!  I was so worried.  And now I will move on to being worried about him not wanting to nurse if he gets too used to bottles while I am work.  Believe me, I will always find something else to worry about.

-I knew I would find a way to coordinate girl/boy outfits :)  Supporting Daddy's alma mater!

And seriously - how cute is this video? I dare you not to smile!

Baby Shower

I went to my first baby shower since Adelyn today.  I'm not sure I would have been able to do it, if it weren't for Coen.  I'm still not sure I would have been able to do it if it was for a baby girl.  So thankfully my friend is having a boy, like everyone else I know right now.

I still feel a bit weird about how everyone just assumes babies will come home.  And it's hard to hear people talk about how excited they are.  Those feelings in regards to babies and pregnancy were robbed from me the day Adelyn died.  I wish I could be naive again.

I hate how I often don't know how to respond to certain questions or feel uncomfortable about them.  Just a simple question from one of the ladies at our table (who I didn't know) - she asked if we had found out what I was having when I was pregnant with my kids.  I felt like that question was relevant to all three of my kids.  We did not know Sierra was a girl I said.  But then if I said we did know our second daughter was a girl, but she died so the whole gender topic was really touchy when I was pregnant with Coen and I don't want to talk about that - that would be too much.  So I just said no, but I felt guilty about it.  I feel like I betray Adelyn when I do that.  I almost feel like I am a hippocrit because I get so mad when others don't acknowledge her, yet here I am doing it.  I hate that - I just never know how to go about this, and it comes up a lot.  Maybe I need to just start talking about her and not care if it makes them uncomfortable.  But then I get the pity stare and people never look at me the same.  I become "the one whose baby died."  I'm more than that.

Anyway, the comment of the day from Sierra: "Well we are at a baby shower, but where's the shower?"  Kids are so literal!

My kids were all dressed up for the occassion, so I might as well show them off here too.

Sierra didn't want to stand still - she was on a sugar high from the cake.  She wanted to know why we were eating cake but no one sang happy birthday.  Ha ha!

Coen's face cracks me up in this one.  He just looked so much like a little man today - love it!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was a frustrating mess - literally and figuratively!  We made the mashed potatoes for the second straight year.  Last year, I waited to the last second so they would still be warm and we were late to dinner.  This year I decided to try it a different way and make them in advance and just warm them up when we got to my aunt's house.  Except apparently when you let the potatoes cool before mixing them, they get lumpy.  So we made a second batch and mixed them together.  It made a huge mess and had both of us frustrated beyond belief.  And we were pretty much late to dinner again.

Trevor was trying to help by getting Sierra dressed and doing her hair.  He gave her two ponytails and they didn't look bad!  Except for the red and green Christmas hair bows he put in her hair!  Somehow he thought they matched this shirt:

I see no red in this shirt!  I keep telling him to please leave dressing Sierra to me because I usually have a specific outfit in mind for special occasions.  I know I sound crazy, but she is my only little girl that I get to dress so let me have my fun while I can!  It usually ends up causing more work.....as in today.  She decided to lay down with a blanket over her head right before we left because she skipped her nap and got tired.  And then her hair became a mess so I had to redo it.  Her hair is too fine to stay put in ponytails!

Coen spit up all over his shirt minutes after I put him in it. What is this spit up thing anyway? Sierra spit up like twice in her whole life.  I completely freaked out when he did it today, because it was more than he had ever spit up.  I was worried that this meant he was going to have reflux. 

I kept him in the shirt anyway!  It was such a hectic day that I barely had time to take any pictures.  I'm not happy with the ones I did take either.  It's so hard these days - Sierra poses or makes silly faces!

Grief caught me off guard today.  I thought once we got through all the "firsts" that it would be easier.  In some ways I feel like maybe it is just as difficult this year.  I still miss her just as much as last year.  No, it isn't so raw.  I'm genuinely happy for the most part, but still sad and missing her at the same time.  This year no one mentions her anymore.  I feel like they forget her, like they think I am not sad or having a hard time at holidays anymore.  Especially now that we have Coen.  Everyone is so busy fussing over him that I think they forget the reason he is here - because she isn't.

I actually overheard a comment about how nice it is that my brother and I both have "one of each" and they are so close in age and how "perfect" it is.  I know what was meant by it, and I know it came from a well-meaning place.  But I can't help but be bothered by it.  It makes my blood boil.  I do NOT have one of each, I have TWO daughters and one son.   It's comments like that, that make me think she is forgotten.

When we were at my in-laws, there was this sad song playing on the TV and when I looked up at the screen, I saw a picture of a baby girl with a big bow in her hair.  I almost couldn't contain the lump in my throat.  And then there is this baby doll in a cradle that sits in front of their fireplace.  Last year when we were there, it bothered me.  The cradle reminded me of a coffin for one.  When you pick the baby doll up its arms fall limply to the side.  That is one of the images that haunts me - I remember seeing Trevor holding Adelyn and her arms did that, so lifeless.  Very often when I see baby dolls - even Sierra's favorite doll Rosie - with arms like that, that image flashes in my head.  This year, seeing the doll reminded me of last year and how much I hurt.  And once again I saw that image of Adelyn's lifeless arms in my head.

I didn't expect to have a lump in my throat all day long.  I miss her.  As absolutely crazy and frustrating as the last few days have been, I find myself longing for more of it.  I wish I had a 14 month old little girl to chase around too.  I know that would be pure craziness, but I don't care.  It would be better than her not being here.

Hormones

I am so, so sick of dealing with hormones!  Why did I think that magically after 6 weeks they would be gone?  Ha ha!  I think they are worse right now.  I'm not sure if back-to-back pregnancies makes it worse, or I just don't remember last time because the grief overpowered everything.  I'm so done with hormones, but I know they are not done with me.

Today was one of those happy one minute, sad the next kind of days.  Is it because the holidays are approaching?  I was thinking this year was going to be totally different - happy because we get to celebrate a baby's first holidays.  It helps, no doubt, but I'm kidding myself thinking that it is going to be all happy.  Maybe it is going to hit me a bit more than I expect this year, because last year I think I was still numb.

I felt as emotional today as I did when I was pregnant.  I don't know what it was.  The first thing to make me cry was this article:
http://www.readability.com/articles/vk4wya5m

Then it was watching the X Factor.  Sierra was napping and I was nursing Coen.  Everyone was darn good this week, but what got me was LeRoy Bell singing "Angel" - which was played at Adelyn's funeral.  That was quite a moment, hearing that song while I was sitting there nursing Coen.  Then my favorite, Josh (can't spell his last name) dedicated his song to his daughter.  Father/daughter moments always get me, because I think of Sierra and her dad's relationship and the one he never got to have with Adelyn.

Then of course, today is Ryan Elizabeth Watt's first birthday in Heaven.  I wore my shirt to honor her today:

I thought of her mommy today and how she is not only missing Ryan but also Ryan's dad, who is deployed.  I thought about all the other families missing their babies, how there are so many names on that shirt and so many more who have joined our babies since the shirt was printed.

Sigh......I just want to feel like myself again.  I want someone to tell me how long it takes for the hormones to go back to "normal."  I'm sure there is no answer to that, but of course I forgot to ask at my dr. appointment this week.  I'm sick of hot flashes, mood swings, impatience.....I am sure my family is even sicker of it than me!

Oh, What a Day....

I hate to bore you by going through the events of my day.  But, it has been one of those days filled with moments that were so awful I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time and then some that gave me goosebumps.  So I must write about it.

I thought it was going to be a good day.  Look at that happy baby this morning!

I even managed to get us all out of the house and to Coen's photo session on time.  But of course they were running late.  There were two people working, and when it was our turn we of course get the young, inexperienced one.  Coen had been fine and sleeping the whole time we were waiting, but then he started fussing. The photographer was clueless and I was basically telling her what I wanted, but she wasn't really even doing that. Then Sierra started acting up and wouldn't listen or move out of the way.  I can usually tell within minutes if we are going to get any good pictures or not - and I knew within seconds this was not going to go well.  Finally I gave up and said we were done, because I saw people waiting and felt rushed.  I was so frustrated I wanted to cry.

The photographer was going through our pictures and I asked her if she had experience photographing young kids because it didn't seem like she knew what to do.  I wasn't trying to be rude, but it was a very BAD experience.  She just seemed like a deer in headlights.  Finally she said that there were no more appointments once they finished the one after ours, so we could try again if we wanted to.  Why didn't she just mention that when he was fussing during the shoot?  She just kind of sat there and said nothing! 

I knew Coen was tired and/or hungry and if I could just get him to fall asleep, he would do fine.  The JC Penney by our house only has a potrait studio for the holidays because there isn't enough room.  So it is crammed. I found a few chairs and sat there and decided to try to feed Coen.  I sat there and nursed him with a blanket over it for privacy (ha, yeah right).  A worker kept walking past us to go in this door that my stroller was almost blocking.  I felt bad but I wasn't getting up to move it when Coen was finally content and eating.

About 10 minutes later, Sierra says "Mommy, I have to pee."  At this moment I wonder why I wanted her to be potty trained so badly. So I asked her if she could hold it, of course she said no.  I forced Coen to be done eating and ran to the bathroom.  Wouldn't you know that it was closed for cleaning. Really?!  I asked a worker where another bathroom was before Sierra had an accident and she took us up the very slow elevator to the third floor.  Sierra made it without an accident.

Then I finished nursing Coen back on the chairs by the portrait studio.  Sierra was whining that she was hungry - I was too - and of course I left in such a rush that I didn't pack snacks.  But we were there and I didn't want to come back - plus the coupon I had expired today - so we were trying again if it killed me.  I bribed Sierra to behave with a trip to McDonald's.

Things went better with the other photographer and Sierra even behaved.  I got what I wanted - pictures similar to the newborn ones of Sierra, although I think hers are better.  I will post when I get them back, because the whole picture thing needs an entire post dedicated to it anyway.

Sierra wouldn't let me forget McDonald's, so off we went in the rain.  Probably the highlight of my day at this point was seeing that the toy in the happy meal was Hello Kitty - for those of you who don't know, I have a slight obsession with Hello Kitty.  And so does Sierra - my brainwashing worked :)

There is a bank right across from the McDonald's, so even though it was pouring I was determined to do the last errand I had planned - open a savings account for Coen.  I had his social security number with me and everything, so I was doing it today.

As we sat down, I noticed a picture of a double rainbow on the lady's desk.  I always notice rainbows now, so I commented on it.  She started telling me the story behind the picture.  Her brother passed away and was an organ donor.  They had a memorial serivce for all the people who donated organs, and during it there was a completely round, circle rainbow.  And then a double rainbow.  In the picture, it looked like there was an opening in the sky above the rainbow, like a stairway to heaven.  It was an amazing picture.  Then she started telling me how ever since that day, they notice rainbows all the time and think of her brother when they see them.  She said when her niece got married there was a huge rainbow that looked like it was going into the ocean, and then another one in front of her brother's old house. 

I was getting goosebumps - here I am, opening an account for our little rainbow baby, and the woman doing it is telling me stories about rainbows.  So of course I had to tell her the story.  I started by saying on the day Coen was born, my cousin had come in to take pictures of Sierra meeting him.  On her way home, she saw a  rainbow in the sky - and it was a beautiful, sunny day - no rain.  Here's the picture:

So then I decided to just explain why rainbows mean so much to us - I gave her the short story.  I said that babies born after couples have lost a baby are referred to as "rainbow babies" because they represent the beauty after the storm.  I just said that we had a baby who passed away in between our other kids and so Coen was our rainbow baby.  Usually when I say that, people look at me with pity.  Not her - she was so moved by it, she was teary eyed.  It was one of those strange moments when you feel so connected to a person you don't even know.

And so, what a day it was!  Our night wasn't much better - but it's almost time for bed and I look forward to sleep every night.  Even if I only get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep!

6 weeks

How has it been six weeks already?  Part of me feels like the time has gone so fast, the blink of an eye.  Wasn't it just yesterday that I was holding Coen for the first time?  Yet part of me feels like he has been here forever.

Today I had my lovely 6 week check up.  It was SO weird to be in that office with a baby.  Almost exactly one year ago to the date, I was in that same office for the same 6 week check up.  Except that time, I had no baby and was going over autopsy results.  What a difference a year makes.

Another weird thing about today is that I am almost positive that the same woman that was leaving the hospital with her baby at the exact same time as me, was sitting in the waiting room today.  It had to be her.  I was going to say something, but then Coen pooped and trust me you can hear that from across the room. And so I got preoccupied and a little embarrassed!

I left the appointment in a strange mood.  Sad that it is all over and that I am 99.9% sure I will never get to do it again.  I keep telling myself that at some point, my child bearing days have to be over.  I thought I would be happy for it to be over - I can't even put into words how hard the pregnancy was.  There is also a little bit of relief that it's over, mixed in with some happiness.  I mean, I can NOT wait to have my body back!  Granted I have quite a few more months of breastfeeding and some weight to lose before that happens.  But I have spent the majority of the time since June of 2007 either pregnant or breastfeeding.  I believe there are about 10 months out of that time when I was neither.  Yikes....

I thought about Adelyn so many times today.  I drove past the funeral home we used.  I drove past a Catholic Cemetary, and when I do I wonder if we should have buried her there?  Of course being in the dr. office always reminds me of her.  I actually got to talk about her today as well - both at my dr. appointment and during a play date this morning.  I can't tell you how much I love being around people who want to know about Adelyn.  Just being able to say her name or tell her story to someone who hasn't heard it.  It's like a gift.  I will never tire of that.  In fact, after today I feel like I really need to chat with some of my friends who walk this journey with me.  It's been awhile and it is a needed part of this process, to talk or visit with othe rmoms who understand.

The song "Someone Like You" by Adele came on in the car - for some reason it reminds me of Adelyn.  Actually it reminds me of when I was pregnant with Coen and an emotional mess, especially this lyric:
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?Plus the tone of this song just suited how I was feeling at the time.  It takes me back.

And so I should be getting to bed.  I have lots of blogs started in my head, so expect some more frequent posts to come.  If I can find the time......

Scrapbooks

I love to scrapbook.  Yet I never seem to find time.  I mean to - I really do.  I think I finished Sierra's scrapbook that included her first week in time for her first birthday!  I like to scrapbook when I have little momentos to include in it - hers contains her hospital bracelet (one is in her baby book since they wear two), my room sign, the tag from her bassinette, her footprints, cards from flowers we received, etc. 

 A sample page of Sierra's scrapbook.

The cover of Sierra's scrapbook.

I decided awhile back that I take too many pictures to do scrapbooks, and that I would save scrapbooking for special occassions where I have little things to put in it that couldn't go in photo albums.  So basically I thought the first week or so and then maybe first birthday and decide from there.  I was going to scrapbook for each birthday until I realized how many pictures I have from Sierra's second birthday.  It would take forever and be SO expensive to buy all the page refills!

A week or two before Adelyn's birthday, I decided that I wanted to make a scrapbook for her and finish it by her first birthday, even though I started but never finished Sierra's first birthday scrapbook.  I hate when I do things like that, but I have to be in a certain mood to work on it, and I was in an Adelyn mood.  I think I felt like I had to do all this before the new baby was born.

I  had one solid pink scrapbook that my aunt gave me, and since I decided I wasn't doing more for Sierra, I decided to use that one for Adelyn.  I printed out pictures, bought some paper, I was ready to do it.  But then I didn't get to it .  I think part of the problem is I want it to be perfect since it is all I will ever have for her.

Fast forward to this morning - for some reason I was thinking about scrapbooks.  I guess because now I need to do one for Coen.  I thought I lost his footprints, bracelet, and tag from his hospital bed, so I was really upset.  Turns out my husband put it up on the shelf in his room and I found it.  Relief - now I had something to put in his scrapbook, lol.  I remembered my aunt in law giving me one for Sierra's baptism.  Oh, wait, maybe that is why I was thinking about scrapbooks because I was thinking about what and when to do Coen's baptism.  Maybe it was because we got a thank you card from my nephew's baptism?  Or a little bit of all of it?

Anyway, I wondered what happened to that scrapbook (obviously I had yet to use it 3 years later - oops).  I had a pile of other scrapbook stuff on a shelf, but it wasn't there.  Then I realized there was a drawer underneath the shelf.  In it was that scrapbook.  But in that drawer, I found something I wasn't expecting: a pink striped scrapbook with three places for photos and under it a place to put the baby's name: 

I totally forgot I had bought this scrapbook for Adelyn.  It's very similar to the one I have for Sierra, in that you can put her name on it.  Seeing this so unexpectedly made my heart sink.  I wondered if I should go ahead and use that one for Adelyn's scrapbook, since that is what I intended on using.  But I don't think I can, because seeing it makes me SAD.  And it  has a place for 3 pictures and I don't really have 3 pictures I like of Adelyn.  There was also a pack of baby scrapbook paper, so I looked through and realized it is pretty neutral, so I could use it for Coen's scrapbook.  And of course some I can use for Adelyn's.  My new goal is to have it done by  her second birthday.  I will do it!!

I think that I might try to exchange the scrapbook for a blue one for Coen. It seems like the right thing to do.  I just can't use it.   I look at that scrapbook and it reminds me of the the happy, preparing for Adelyn times.  Those are some of the hardest memories for me.  I can't explain why - I guess because of how things turned out, those happy memories make me very sad.  It just doesn't seem right to use a scrapbook meant for happy baby pictures for a scrapbook about my baby who died.

Zulily

Darn you Zulily.  Not only do you tempt me EVERY day with cute kid stuff - which I have resisted so far, but today you made me sad.  I've gotten accustomed to all the big sister/little sister matching stuff I can never use.  And it is EVERYWHERE!!

Lately I have gotten even more into hairbows.  Partly because now I know Sierra is the only one I will get to have fun with girly stuff, so I am going to go all out while I can.  Partly because my nieghbor taught me how to make bows and it was fun and easy and cheaper than buying them.

Never expected the combination of bows and big sister/little sister. But yet, this is what Zulily had today:

Ugh.  I totally would have bought the little sister bow for Adelyn.  If I wasn't so broke right now due to not working, I just might.  For what reason, I don't know.  Maybe because sometimes doing things like that makes me feel better?

Look Alikes

Everyone keeps saying how much Coen looks like Sierra.  He does for sure, like a boy version of Sierra.  When you put their pictures side by side, Sierra looks so girly compared to him.  I'm not sure what it is though.

Today we were outside because it was a beautiful fall day.  Sierra was playing at the neighbors.  Coen was fussy, needing to fall asleep, so I held him.  He was wearing a hat because it was windy and cool.  He finally fell asleep in my arms.  As I looked down at him, for the first time, I saw Adelyn in his face.  It was eerie, the resemblance.  I think the hat and his eyes being closed helped.  I didn't really think he looked like Adelyn at all initially.  Which is strange, because I think Adelyn looks a lot like Sierra and I think Coen looks like Sierra!

I guess we make babies that are similar looking?!  It will be interesting to see if Coen still looks like Sierra as he gets older.  I think he is going to be a mini Trevor, while Sierra is a mixture of us both.

The Comment I've Been Dreading

It took an entire month, but someone finally uttered THE comment I have been dreading. I was at Sierra's dance class tonight and a bunch of the moms and dads were chatting while we waited.  The one mom next to me started asking questions about Coen - how old he was, what his name was, etc. And then she made the well-meaning comment of "Oh how nice you have a boy and a girl."  Of course this woman didn't know my story, so I tried not to let it bother me.  But still, it got me thinking.

Why does everyone think it is "perfect" to have a boy and a girl? Why is it better  to have one of each than to have two girls? 

I'll tell you what is "perfect" - for all your kids to LIVE.  That's perfect.  Boys, girls, whatever - but living, healthy babies/children are what matters.

And so that is one thing that my family will never be - "perfect."  Because someone will always be missing.  Adelyn didn't live, she isn't here with us.  Perfect would be for us to have both Adelyn AND Coen. Because I always thought if I had three kids, I would want two girls and a boy.  I never thought I would get it the way I did.

From afar, perhaps we look like the perfect family.  But as I now know, looks can be deceiving and you never know the whole story.  So don't judge until you do.

Just a little vent for the day.........

One Month

It feels strange to be acknowledging monthly milestones again.  I went from marking each month that went by without Adelyn and thinking about how old she would have been to now celebrating each month with Coen.  It's weird to be doing the normal monthly baby thing - taking pictures, writing in his baby book, recording his height and weight (his 1 month check up isn't till next week so I don't know yet).

Coen slept from 10-5:30 last night.  I woke up at about 3:30 and realized he had not been up yet.  I got a bit nervous and was almost too scared to go check on him.  I rolled myself out of bed and went in his room and his arms jerked - that cute little startle reflex that newborns have.  I was SO relieved.

Normally every night I pump before I go to bed, so I will wait a little after Coen nurses before bed.  Well last night I was so exhausted, I decided not to.  So of course this would be the night Coen decides to sleep.  Not that I'm complaining about his sleep - but I woke up SO uncomfortable.  What to do?  I couldn't fall back asleep feeling that way, and I didn't want to wake up Coen because if he is going to sleep all night, I'm not going to mess with it. So I got up at 3:30 am and pumped.  Ugh.  Once he gets into a predictable routine and sleeps longer, I won't wake up to pump.  No way - my body will hopefully adjust.

This is the best picture I got of him smiling today - however, as you can see Sierra's head is right there.  I'm sure it's the first of many picture of him that will turn out this way, since she is ALWAYS in his face!

I can't believe it has been a month already! Wow.  I've gotten pretty good at juggling them both, but we will see what happens when I go back to work.  I only have four weeks left :(

It's Been Awhile

I haven't had time or energy to blog in awhile. Coen is a good baby, he rarely fusses.  But I haven't gotten more than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a month now and I'm tired.  I usually blog at night before bed when I have my "alone" time, but lately I have been too exhausted to think.  I should go to bed, but instead I tend to stay up for 2 hours after Coen goes to sleep so I can enjoy some alone time, and so I can squeeze in one extra pumping session.  I feel like a cow or something, I swear all I do all day is feed Coen, pump, wash pump parts, repeat.  I'm trying to pump in between feedings when I know he will sleep for awhile, so I can stock up for when I go back to work.  Which is way too soon.

Tonight both kids (I still smile when I talk/write about "both kids") were in bed by 9:30. We are getting good at this.  I have been trying to get rid of old stuff and sell what I can, donate what I can't.  I gathered a lot of newborn baby girl clothes that we won't be needing anymore and sold it on Ebay.  Some clothes were Sierra's, but most were outfits I bought for Adelyn.  I was packing it up tonight and it made me so sad.  I have to be honest and say that it's been awhile since I've felt that way.  But I know it will creep up every now and again.

I was sad because I can't believe Sierra is 3 and a half already.  Looking at her old clothes brings back memories of her at Coen's age.  Just for kicks, here's a picture of her:

And Coen at about the same age:

I'd say they have the exact same mouth! 

So anyway, parting with those baby clothes was harder than I thought.  I found two things I had bought for Adelyn that had butterflies on them and I second guessed getting rid of them.  I thought about refunding what I sold it for and keeping it - but for what?  Clothes are meant to be worn, not put away in a box and cried over.  So I taped it up and got it ready to mail.  But I felt very sad.  I will never need newborn girl clothes again.  But, even had Adelyn lived, at some point that would hold true.  Can't keep having babies!

I took pictures of all my favorite outfits I got for Adelyn, and I have hundreds of pictures of Sierra wearing the outfits that were hers, so I shouldn't be so sad.  I saved two special outfits of Adelyn's and I will save some of the stuff that both Sierra and Coen wore, the yellow neutral stuff - just to show them how tiny they were.  I wonder if I should have saved more of Sierra's stuff, because she asks a lot of questions about her as a baby now that Coen is here.  But I think there are some 0-3 month girly stuff that I am more attached to that I can save.  I like to have the things they both wore.  Like this:

Yes, I staged them in the same outfit and pose.  Can you tell which is which?

That was a random post, started last night but finished this morning because my pictures weren't uploading!

A Different Child

I found this poem shortly after Adelyn died, and hoped someday I would get to really understand the meaning. I wanted to share, because whoever wrote it got it SO right.  I love it, but it's a tear jerker.

A Different Child

A different child
people notice
There's a special glow around you
you grow
surrounded by love
never doubting you are wanted;
all you have to do is look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes

But if sometimes
between the smiles
there is a trace of tears,
one day
you will understand

You'll understand that
there was once another child
a different child
who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact,
that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
that different child
May hope and love wrap you warmly
and may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
how infinitely fragile
Is this life on Earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief.
And then you, and you alone
will understand
and offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
you will tell them
with great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my parents tried again."