Alone Time

Today I went shopping by myself for the first time in....I don't know. I dropped Sierra off at my parents' house and Trevor got some alone time too. I was looking for bargains. I need new clothes so badly, but I refuse to pay $40 for a long sleeve shirt. I found two sweaters that are not very exciting, but they were cheap. I also found two ornaments for Adelyn's tree, which excited me. One just says "baby girl" in all pastels, mostly pinks, and the other is a silver star with the word "hope" written on it. It made me think of all my Hope Mommies friends.

While I was shopping, I saw on the other side of the mall a woman I know, I am not even going to say from where because I don't want anyone to figure it out. Anyway, she is so snobby. I remember when I first met her I tried to strike up a convesation about babies, since our oldest are about the same age. She like barely answered me - what new mom doesn't want to go on and on about their babies (ours were only a few months old at the time)? She never says hi or acknowledges me and just seems like she is better than me. I really dislike snobby people. I never did anything to her! One time back in September when I was very pregnant we had a conversation, but only because one of my friends was standing there too, who she is also friends with. She never said a word to me since Adelyn died, maybe she feels uncomfortable since she's pregnant, but it doesn't matter. She never said anything to me before. I try to avoid her at all costs, but anytime I see her I look away because I feel that uncomfortable. The fact that she has what I want - a baby girl alive and well inside her - makes it even worse. I hate it. It is just so unfair that someone like her, so ungrateful and flat out rude - will most likely get to hold her baby girl and watch her grow up. Ugh.

That changed the mood of my shopping trip. It just really stinks that anytime I shop for Sierra - which is too often - I have to walk past all the baby girl stuff to get to her stuff. It's another one of those daggers in the heart for sure. Sigh....

When I picked Sierra up at my parents' house, she was still napping. My niece was also there and seeing Sierra with her was an extra big dagger in my heart today for some reason. First of all, it made Sierra seem so grown up and that makes any mom sad. Mostly, though, it was because she was so happy to be helping my mom with little things - going to get a diaper for Arlie, touching her softly when she cried and telling her it was ok - all these things that she should be doing with her little sister. It just made me realize, all over again, what a great big sister she would have been. I pray more than anything that she is given that chance. Seeing her little face light up......it's worth more than anything in the world.

This is Sierra with Arlie last year on New Year's Day - their first set of matching shirts. How cute are they?