Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I Miss You

I went to bed early last night - before 11 was early for me. At about 11:20 I woke up, but I'm not sure if I was actually asleep yet. I thought I heard music. What was it? Then I looked at my clock to see the time and it was flashing - the power had gone out. I realized that the music was coming from Sierra's room - her Alvin and the Chipmunks CD was playing. I guess when the power went off and back on again, the CD started playing. Funny!

This morning I woke up and something random made me think of Adelyn. I can't remember exactly what it was, I think I was thinking about someone else who is pregnant, that usually does it. And so today, I just really missed her. My arms were aching for my baby girl. So I started thinking - how do you miss someone you never really knew? I felt her in my womb for 41 weeks, but did I really know her? All these questions came to my head: How do you miss someone you never heard cry? How do you miss someone you never heard laugh? How do you miss someone you never saw smile? How do you miss someone when you never saw their eyes? How do you miss someone whose personality you never knew? What kind of things would she have liked - would she be like Sierra, and love babies? Would she be outgoing and fun loving or quiet and shy? I guess we'll never know. But how can I miss someone so much, when I know nothing about who she was, or was going to be?

So I started thinking more. All this went on while I was at work. Not a productive day. Wednesdays are boring for me and I always struggle to motivate myself, as I am at the high school and there are not many kids still needing speech there. I decided that I guess it's not really Adelyn that I am missing. She was never here with us, so there is nothing to miss. Our family is the same as it always was, but yet different at the same time. What we miss is living the dream, the life we thought we were going to have. The littlest things - I was watching American Idol tonight and one of the contestants started talking about how she wanted to provide for her daughters. I heard that word, and BAM - missing her again. I can never talk about my daughters like that. I miss being able to rock and snuggle a newborn, to shop for cute girly clothes and bows that we don't need, to dress my girls in matching outfits, to watch Sierra be a little mommy to her little sister. I miss hearing my baby cry and laugh, or seeing her smile. I miss the infant car seat in my car, and lugging two girls across the street to the baby-sitter's house. I miss having to worry about pumping at work. I miss rocking a baby to sleep. I miss watching her grow up. I miss everything.

And this song came to mind. Sometimes music can say exactly what I have a difficult time putting into words.


TanaLee Davis said...

WOW! This post really hits home for me. I did however have a different outcome with my daughter. But the feelings are very similar. I missed out on a full term pregnancy. I saw my daughter out of the womb for seven months but missed out on so much of the daily motherly cares. I miss being able to bring up my daughter without the awkward stares as though I'm not a mother. I miss being able to walk through the baby section slowly and freely. I miss everything too.

Molly said...

Hi, I hope you don't mind, but I've started following your blog. My son was stillborn in August. It helps me so much to read how other people are dealing with the same things I'm feeling. XOXO -Molly

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