Sunday, January 16, 2011

Little Mommy

So, may I start off my saying that exactly one year ago today is the day I found out officially that I was pregnant with Adelyn. I try not to dwell on these dates, and I told myself that they would not bother me. Right. The question I want answered is why do I remember these dates but yet half the time I cannot remember where I put my cell phone? I'm hoping that as time goes by I will not remember those dates and think about them as much. I can honestly say that I do not remember the exact date when I found out I was pregnant with Sierra, or the date we first heard her heartbeat, or the date of her ultrasound, where we did NOT find out that she was a girl! I do remember the moments though, and what I was doing, just not the date. I guess that is because we have so many other memories of Sierra. We will not have that with Adelyn, so maybe I will always remember.

Today was a good day on most counts though. Hubby is in an all-around better mood and we seem to be on the same page again. Whew! We have been playing around with the idea of redoing some stuff in our kitchen. We like to have projects, and especially now it gives us something to do. We currently cook on the cheapest stove made, that was a hand me down from Trevor's cousin. When we picked it up from his Gram's house, on the way back it tipped over and one of the knobs fell off. It's been three years and that stove is still missing a knob! So, we decided we should get a new stove. It's a long story, but the new stove leads to new countertops (ours are white and show EVERY stain) and that leads to a new sink! Right now our kitchen has a backsplash of white tiles with little birds on them, which we have made fun of since we moved in. We bought tiles to match our floor but just need to install them. But, we need to replace the countertops to install the backsplash how we want it. So, as you can see, it all ties together to one big, expensive project. While I'd much rather be broke from paying for two childcare expenses, we do have the money right now to do it, so why not?

Anyway, I digress. We went to Sears to look for stoves and we found a floor model that was marked down more than half off and was just what we wanted. A sign? Sierra was being horrible, so I took her and walked around and guess what we found? The baby section. So she walked around with her doll and put her in each pack and play, stroller, etc. She talked about each thing - "this is where you change the baby's diaper." It was so cute, but yet so heartbreaking. In the process I saw all these cute little girl things that made me long for Adelyn so much. The little mary jane socks I had wanted for her. A little onesie that said "born to shop." The little sister onesie I had bought for her but returned (I never washed it or took off the tags, in case she came out a boy!!). This cute little girly toy set that had a mini purse, huge diamond ring rattle, and keys. A bib that said "thank heaven for little girls." I just want my baby girl so badly. Watching Sierra with her doll and how she played with all the baby toys made my heart ache even more. And it made me angry that she was robbed of her chance to have a little sister. She would have LOVED it. Everything about it.
She started with babies as young as 18 months:

Then my niece was born in Oct 09 - she loved to put her doll in all of the baby stuff:

Then Christmas 2009:

This summer:


Everywhere we go, she finds all the babies. "Look, mommy! It's a baby!" She talks to her dolls so sweetly - "it's okay, baby." She wraps them in blankets (and gets super frustrated when she can't do it). She changes their clothes and worries about their hats matching. She feeds them, takes them for walks in their stroller, changes their diapers, even gives them a bath either in the tub with her for all plastic dolls, or in the fake tub. She washes them with pretend soap and washcloths and puts them in the mini hooded towel and dries them off. She puts them to bed, turns the mobile on her doll crib on, and runs out of her room and says "shhh, the baby's still sleeping." It is the cutest thing. This girl deserves a little sister or brother to help take care of. Please, God?


Hannah Rose said...

I remember exactly what I was doing a year ago on January 16th...funny how those dates stick with us. They can be so bittersweet, so haunting. I am so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to come across new blogs with women that have just experienced this tragedy. Both your girls are beautiful! Blessings, Hannah Rose

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