Friday, January 21, 2011


Lately, random things have been causing me "flashbacks." I'm not sure if that is the correct word to use, but it's the only one I can think of. In the beginning, these flashbacks happened quite often, and when they did, they would always inspire a meltdown. Tears, wanting to punch pillows, throw things. Now when they hit, they don't normally cause meltdowns. Now it is a short, intense pain - like someone is stabbing me in the heart. It hurts so much for a few seconds, then it goes away. I am not sure if I push it away and move forward to the next moment in time, or what has happened that allows the intense hurt to go away so quickly. Nevertheless, the pain is still there and it still hurts just as much as it did on day 1. It doesn't stick around as long. But it does pop up many, many times throughout the day. Here are some examples - some are pretty obvious, others are pretty random.
-Sierra is obsessed with Dora, especially her twin baby brother and baby sister. At first it pained me every time I heard her say "baby sister." It took me back to us talking about Adelyn - we always referred to her as "baby sister" to Sierra because we didn't pick out her name until like the day before she was born! Then I got used to hearing it. But tonight, it took me back there. I thought not only of Adelyn, but of how happy we were preparing for "baby sister's" arrival. Those 2 words bring back SO many memories. I remember telling Sierra about how her old room was now baby sister's room. How baby sister was in mommy's belly. And maybe most painful of all - after Adelyn died, I took Sierra over to her baby-sitter's house to play and have lunch (she lives across the street from us). One of the girls she baby-sits is 4 and was staring at my belly. Then she asked if I had another baby in my belly. I said no, thinking it was funny because I still looked pregnant. Then the 3 year old asked "what is in your belly?" I actually smiled, thinking to myself I guess I could say food, but said nothing because I wasn't eating much at this point. Then Sierra chimed in and said "that's my baby sister in there." I seriously lost it and ran out the door to my house and cried. As I type this even now, I have tears in my eyes. I could really go on and on about those two words - the time the Big Sister Dora episode came on while we were at Sierra's baby-sitter another time and I knew in the first minute which episode it was, since we had read the book a million times that summer. Again, I ran home and cried. So you can imagine how hard it is to hear Sierra say "baby sister" over and over EVERY day. But, then I see her little face - the huge smile that she has as she talks about baby brother and baby sister and plays with them. And I guess it's worth my pain to see her so happy.
-As I was putting Sierra's pajamas on tonight, I looked up at her wall with her name on it. And it took me back to this moment:

This picture was taken on September 26 - 3 days before Adelyn was born/died. It is the last picture I have from September 2010, except for those we took of Adelyn. I remember how happy and excited I was. I took the pictures to post on Facebook, since out of town relatives asked to see her big girl room. I never posted them.
-This is a VERY random one. Now that Sierra is going on the potty, I thought about how I was going to handle this when we are out. I had been thinking about buying a Potette this summer - it can be a little potty or a potty seat to go on a regular toilet. I thought it would be good in case we were out and there was no potty around, she could use it anywhere. I remember thinking "oh I can just get the pink one, since we will have 2 little girls." Tonight I thought about buying it again, only this time I thought "well I guess I can't buy the pink one now." Yeah, I know I still can, but I'm practical. I don't want to have to buy another potty if we have another baby and it's a boy. Why do I even think about these things? It's a potty! Who cares what color it is? I never even really liked pink until I was pregnant with Adelyn and decided to go all out "girly."
-When I am at work, any time I see my sub's name written, her handwriting on my daily logs, anything, it reminds me. Ugh. This is why I cannot wait until this school year is over and I can start fresh and hopefully not have those reminders. Although I secretly hope I just get pregnant and don't have to go back to work next school year until January :)
-I was walking Sierra over to her baby-sitters, and as I walked up their new cement stairs, I remembered her saying how she wanted to make the steps wider because it would be easier to carry the infant seats up them that way. What I should be doing.....
-Similar to the potty, but I had been thinking of getting Sierra an easel since she loves to draw and paint. I imagine her using it to play school when she gets older also. I never liked primary colors, and the easels come in either blue/red/yellow or pink/purple. I remember thinking that I could get the pink and purple one. Then after Adelyn died, I saw it in an add around Christmas time. I was so sad that I probably wouldn't get the pink one now. Again, it's so stupid. But this is really how my mind works right now.
-I was updating my calendar I have in my room at work. I put little stickers on special days "Christmas" "New Year's" etc and I will put "Happy Birthday" on a family member's birthday, just to spark conversation with my kids. So, at the beginning of the year, I had put a "Happy Birthday" one on my due date. One of my students moved it when I was still there past my due date to the 29th. Strange -she was right. Well wouldn't you know when I updated the calendar back in December, I found that "Happy Birthday" with the tacky stuff still on the back and I knew it was THAT one.

So, a little insight as to what I go through on a daily basis. There are more things that cause "flashbacks" - the obvious things like seeing big/little sister shirts, anything about sisters, songs that were popular on the radio last summer, I could go on and on. Someday I am going to count how many times I have a flashback. Sometimes I cannot even believe I function with so many daggers going into my heart all day long. But, I guess it is just like people who have chronic pain. You learn to live with it. What other choice do you have?


KnottedFingers said...

Flashbacks are a big part of PTSD and losing a child can surely give you that. I have flashbacks sometimes which I think are PTSD related.

I'm praying for you sweetheart

Post a Comment