Saturday, January 29, 2011

4 Months

Today it has been exactly 4 months since Adelyn went to heaven. I don't really have much to say either. It really felt like any other day. I'm not sure if I am happy or sad about that. Am I healing, moving forward? Is it because as time goes by, things get easier, the memories start to fade? But yet, some days I can still hear the exact words the doctor spoke that night - "I'm sorry, there's nothing else we can do. She's gone." Or will it hit me like a ton of bricks at a later, unexpected date? Probably. But I just don't know what to think today.

I was in a funky mood today. I just couldn't get motivated to do anything. I really don't know that it was because today is the 29th day of a month. I have felt this sort of mood before - the blah that comes along with winter and day after day of gray skies. So maybe it was from that? Maybe a combination, I don't know.

We went cabinet shopping today and found something we think we like. I can't wait to get some of these estimates back so I know if we are really going to do it. Watch it come back at $30,000. No way! Honestly, we don't even know what we are willing to spend on it right now.

I did manage to do about half of the laundry and vacuum the house during Sierra's nap, so the day wasn't a complete waste. We went out to dinner with a gift card from my work friends. Sierra was entertaining the other people as we waited for our table. She is something else - how can so much personality fit into such a little person? Then we went to Kohl's to exchange jeans. I cannot believe my husband stepped foot in a retail store - it was actually funny. He hates to shop.

Today marked the first time Sierra went on a public potty- at Kohl's. What an experience, but I guess I better get used to it. Remind me to stock up on Clorox wipes!

Adelyn, we miss you every day. How I wish you were here with us. I thought about how much different going out to eat tonight would have been if you were with us. You have taught me so much already - to appreciate your big sister even more than I already did, to live for today, to be hopeful, to let the little things go, to be a more empathetic person, to be strong, to be thankful for what I do have.....I could go on. You have led me to a group of wonderful women who I would never have met if you had stayed here with us. That being said, if I could give all that up to have you here with me, would I? Without even thinking.....yes (sorry Hope Mommies). But, it's not my choice so I have to just try to see the good in this situation, as hard as it may be. We love you, sweet Adelyn. Keep watching over us and sending good things our way. Happy 4 months in glory. Give all your friends a hug from their mommies.


KnottedFingers said...

Happy 4 months in Heaven Adelyn. I'm thinking of you and your sweet mommy

Laura said...

Very well said Lisa. Brought tears to my eyes. Happy 4 months in Heaven Adelyn. Keep taking care of your mommy, daddy and big sister!

Amy von Oven said...

Beautiful! Thinking of you and this journey we are are all on....Your sweet little girl is watching over your family.... :)

LetterstoClaire said...

Claire's 3 month was on the 28th- I always recognize the time passing, but every time the 28th rolls around I remember that I would be marking how old Claire was in newborn/infant instead of marking the time that she hasn't been here with us. I'm terrified for her birthday later this year because I know I'll think about how special that first birthday is for parents and their babies, and it's something I won't be able to celebrate with Claire. Thinking of you and your family.

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