I'm not in a very good mood today, so this is not likely to be a very positive post. Just need to get my feelings out somehow....
I just want to know why everything has to be so hard? It seems like in the past, things were so easy. Now, just enjoying a weekend is hard. Lately, when my husband is in a bad mood, it puts me in a REALLY bad mood. Not saying I was in a great mood this morning, but now I'm in an awful mood. I just had my first cry in quite awhile, but it still feels like there is more in there that needs to come out, but it won't. I'm sick, my nose is all stuffed up, which makes crying a little more difficult. Now I've got the feeling that my period is coming soon - so those hormones don't help matters. I wasn't sure if it should come this week or next, my cycles still haven't seemed to regulate. That is another source of frustration. It used to be so easy - I always knew my body and exactly how and when to prevent pregnancy or make it happen. It was always so easy - in fact, I have been pregnant 4 times (ouch, it hurts to think about that, as I only have 1 living child). 3 of those times it happened on the very first try. The last time, with Adelyn, it took about 3 months, which is not long at all. I just am feeling hopeless in regards to another pregnancy. Like it's never going to happen again, or it's going to take forever this time. I guess it all boils down to being a pessimist when it comes to pregnancy and babies now. I hate that it has come to that, I used to LOVE watching A Baby Story and all those shows on TV when I was home in the summer or on maternity leave. Now, I can barely look at pregnant women, and I feel uncomfortable hearing them happily discuss their pregnancy. How they naively think that a pregnancy=a baby. For me, pregnancy=a baby is only a 25% success rate. 1 out of my 4 pregnancies has produced a living, healthy child. Now, granted, I KNOW that 1 is better than none. I am VERY grateful for Sierra, as I've blogged about many times before. I can be happy if she is all I ever have, eventually. If that is the case, it will take some time to accept it. But for now, I'm holding out hope that there will be a sibling for her. This hope is a roller coaster. Some days, I'm up and so hopeful that it is going to happen soon. Other days, I'm in the middle, thinking that we will just let it happen whenever it happens, not try but not prevent and it will work out how it's supposed to. And then there are the low days - like today - where I feel hopeless, like it's just never going to happen, or if it happens, I will have another miscarriage. Not sure I could handle that.
I really want off this roller coaster that is my life. Whether it's in regards to a future pregnancy, grief, or just life in general - I just never know each morning when I wake up where on that roller coaster I will be for the day. I could be stuck at the top, which would be wonderful, but is rare. I could be on my way down, slowly or quickly. I could go through the entire roller coaster in a day, or even an hour. I could be at the bottom like I am today. I guess there is nowhere to go but up.....
Saturday, January 8, 2011
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5 comments:
Lisa,
Thanks for stopping by my blog. You are right, we have remarkably similar stories and even have daughters who were very close to the same age when their siblings died. It is so sweet and yet so hard to see their desire to be big sisters, isn't it?
You seem amazingly strong to me, there is no way I could do all the things you do and I have had and extra 6 months to "recover". Be kind to yourself whenever you need to.
I just want you to know everything you are feeling is SO normal. I can remember having what I thought would be a good day and my husband would just say something about our daughter and it would make me so angry. Just when I was doing ok, he would make it worse, not meaning too. It is so hard to see how ungratful so many women are for their pregnacies and how they seem to take it for granted. Lossing a child really does make you look at life SO different. You really are doing great...Give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel, cry, break down, and even in moments be happy. Take each day minute by minute and don't look past that.Your daughter is lucky to have you, my kids were older, I'm sure I could have done with a small one, so I'm proud of you! This was a verse I had to read most mornings to get through, maybe you will find some comfort it in: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28
(SOrry about the other post, I removed it because I ws signed in under my husbands name)
((HUGS)) This is definitely a roller coaster for sure. Some days will seem hopeless, but hopefully the next will be "up!" You are not alone in this.
I've had a difficult time understanding the changes in my body since losing Claire. Our bodies go through so much and the transition back to "normal" is made even harder by the fact that grieving is stressful on our bodies. Since I can't figure out what the heck my body is trying to do now, I'm going back to my tried-and-true-produced-a-baby method of ovulation kits. I use the 20 or 30 strip kit for $20 bucks at Walgreens. This way there is no guess work- I know if and when I ovulated which then helps me know when I can expect my period. Because I have PCOS, I never have a clue if I'm going to ovulate and it's important that I know if I did so I can plan on a period and make sure my medications are doing their job regulating my cycle. There's no guess work with the strips and it's one less thing to worry about. I don't know if we ever can shed enough tears, I have a feeling that twenty, thirty, sixty years will go by- and the pain will still hit hard enough to produce them when we least expect it.
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