Three Months

So, today it has been three months since our life changed. Three months since my day went from "spending the day with the soon-to-be big sister" shopping at the outlets (this was my Facebook status on the day Adelyn was born) to losing my baby girl. It's strange how some moments of that day are crystal clear, and some I can't even remember. For instance, I can clearly hear the pediatrician who worked on Adelyn say "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do. She's gone." But yet, I do not really remember holding her. That sucks......

I hate to have my post for this marker day be song lyrics. I mean, the 3 month mark even falls on a Wednesday this month. I hated Wednesdays for the longest time (Adelyn was born on a Wednesday) until 2 things happened: 1-I realized that Sierra was also born on a Wednesday -how could I hate the day we received our greatest blessing? and 2-Time healed some.

That being said, this song has always been a favorite of mine. It came out right around the time I had my first miscarriage back in June of 07. I listened to it, and the whole CD, and it helped me. But now, I appreciate the song even more. Every single word just speaks to me - like I could have written it. So, here goes:

Sober -by Kelly Clarkson
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

I should note that the song is NOT about drugs or alcohol. Even though she uses the word sober - she just meant sober as in living without something I guess. I had been wanting to make a video to this song, so I thought the appropriate time would be at the 3 month mark. I couldn't decide what pictures to put with it. I want to do a memorial video for Adelyn, but was thinking that would be more along the lines of her birthday. So, I decided to make the video about our lives in the past 3 months. All the moments that Adelyn is missing from. It's a little depressing, as I added captions to every picture. But, it is honest and how I feel a lot of the times. I may look happy and I might actually be happy and enjoying these moments. But deep down, there is always a hole, always an aching for that little girl who isn't there.