Saturday, December 4, 2010

Random Thoughts

I have so many thoughts going through my head. I'm not sure where this post is going to go.

First, the positives:
1. my wedding ring is finally fitting! I haven't been able to wear it since May maybe. It was taking longer than it did after my pregnancy with Sierra to fit again and really bothering me. I just felt "naked" without it.

2. I was able to button my 2nd pair of nonmaternity pants today! This pair was always big before I was pregnant, but still. They didn't button a few weeks ago. Now only about a million more pairs to fit into. I've been joking today that with my luck, right after I fit back into all my pants, I'll get pregnant again. Oh well.

3. This book I bought for Sierra called "Countdown to Christmas." You read a page for each day, starting Dec. 1st. The pages for Dec. 3rd are about angels. It made me happy.

4. I went shopping with my mom, aunt, and sister in law this morning. We found some good bargains. That always makes me happy.

5. My 14 year old niece's ring tone on her cell phone is Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are." That song reminds me of Sierra. In fact, we played it at the end of Adelyn's funeral to provide some happy tears.

6. Sierra ate her dinner tonight!! And it was chili - not a usual thing she will eat.

Wow, more positives than I thought. Now, on to some of the yucky moments of the day:

1. My mother-in-law fell on Tuesday and shattered her elbow. She had to have surgery. My father-in-law does not help her at ALL. That's all I will say about that situation.

2. We went to visit her today and ended up being there longer than I wanted to be. It was freezing in their house and all I could think about was all the stuff I could have been doing/needed to do at home.

3. For some reason, my in-laws have this little wooden cradle with a red headed baby boy doll in it right in front of their fireplace. It has been there as long as I've known my husband. Apparently, someone bought it for them when my nephew was born with really red hair (he's almost 16 now). They don't get rid of anything, so it's still there. Of course, Sierra loves it. I picked it up - bad idea - and his little head fell backwards and his little arms limply fell off to the sides in the process. FLASHBACK - it just reminded me of how little Adelyn looked when she was handed to me. Just like that. And this doll was about the size of a newborn. The little cradle reminded me of the baby coffin they had Adelyn in when we went to see her at the funeral home. We did have her cremated, but since the doctors tried to revive her at birth, she had a tube in her mouth and we had never been able to see her without it. I really wanted to/needed to, so the funeral home dressed her up and put her in a baby coffin for us. I was scared to death as to what we were going to see when we went in, since she had an autopsy. But I am SO glad we went. I left feeling just a tad bit more peaceful.

4. While we were eating dinner, there was a stupid Christmas movie on. I was feeling crabby, like I could cry at any moment. My husband says "oh this is such a stupid movie. I wonder what's going to happen next. She's going to get her family back for Christmas." All I want for Christmas is Adelyn back. So it triggered me, since I was already on the verge - and I had to get up from the table and go upstairs and cry. Then I could hear Sierra downstairs saying "where did Mommy go?" I still try not to cry in front of her - at least not cry for Adelyn. She is too little to understand.

5. Tomorrow I am taking Sierra to breakfast with Santa. Last February I found Christmas outfits on sale at Children's Place for $1.99. So I bought 1 for Sierra, a coordinating one for my niece, and both a boy and girl baby one, since we didn't know yet what we were having. Tomorrow, Sierra and my niece are wearing the outfits. Adelyn's is still hanging in her closet :( I thought about not wearing the outfits because I thought it might be hard. But then I realized, dress or no dress, I'd still be thinking about her. So Sierra and Arlie are going to look adorable to everyone else tomorrow, but to me it will be very bittersweet.

6. Our Christmas tree is outside. It has been sitting on the deck since last Saturday. It poured on Tuesday. It snowed a little bit Thursday and Friday. It finally seemed almost dry. Now, it's snowing again tonight. I want to put it up tomorrow. Not sure it will be dry enough.

7. My husband's back is really bothering him. He has a slipped disk, has had it since he was a teenager. I'm not sure if he will be able to climb up in the attic to get out the Christmas stuff. Or carry the tree inside. That's why it is still on the porch - he doesn't want to carry it down to the garage, only to have to carry it back upstairs. I can help with bringing the tree inside, but I do NOT do ladders and attics!

That's it for now. Good night!


TanaLee Davis said... many thoughts.
I really feel for you, especially with the one were you bought special outfits. man I hate the emotions we have to go through..but honestly I think your doing well with your loss..I'm not gonna go tell you that your super women (i'm sure its not how you feel) because I know on the inside you must feel like a weathered collapsing building...but really from your actions you are like a beaming light in our dark world. Keep yourself focused on the good moments for as long as you can, someday hopefully soon the pain will feel less and less with days that pass. Hugs to you-

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