Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Is it over yet?

Today was a rough day. Wednesdays I go to the high school, and it's so boring. The school is so big and so few students actually need speech. I know all the special eduction teachers, but not many others. I feel like I could fall off the planet and no one would even notice there. Sometimes that's not so bad!

Anyway, last night one of the teachers I did a social skills group with sent me a text. She has been super supportive to me and we've gotten to be friends. I really like her. We went to lunch the day before Thanksgiving when we got out 2 hours early, and I wondered if maybe she might be pregnant. But I know better than to ask, and honestly didn't want to know. So anyway last night she says she isn't avoiding me but had to tell me something and didn't know how and didn't want to upset me and felt bad. I knew instantly. I'm glad she told me instead of having me hear through the grapevine or just notice, and I'm also glad she told me via text so I wouldn't have to worry about my reaction. Honestly, I decided at that moment that how I feel when learning others are pregnant is that I am happy for them, but not as sad as I am for me.

So back to the high school, they had a lunch for all the teachers and I really didn't want to go. But, free food, and I didn't feel like packing my lunch the night before. So I went, but I felt so uncomfortable. I know that teacher who just told me she is pregnant has lunch the same period I eat, and I saw her out of the corner of my eye and pretended I didn't and avoided her. Not because I'm upset or mad at her or even because I couldn't handle seeing a pregnant person. I was just in such a bad mood I didn't want to deal. I worried someone else would talk about it or bring it up. So I sat with a few special education teachers, but I just felt so uncomfortable. I hate feeling that way. Then "Silent Night" came on and I almost started crying. I felt like I was fighting back tears all day.

I did get some paperwork done while listening to Pandora. Another song that caught my attention was another Kelly Clarkson song. The refrain goes "Is it over yet? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry?" I thought about Christmas - is it over yet?? But on the other hand, I want to enjoy it with Sierra. She is at such a fun age. Why does everything have to be so compliated these days?


Sarah said...

I feel the same way about Christmas Lisa, I keep on wanting it be over before it even gets here. I also feel though that I'm bringin down everyone elses' moods too. I used to find such happiness in Christmas because of my dad, and I guess it's gonna take a while before I feel happy about it again.Here's to hoping though that you and your family has a blessed holiday. <3

Post a Comment