Hospital Memorial Service

Last night, the hospital where Adelyn was born had a memorial service for all the babies that have gone to heaven too soon. The hospital runs a pregnancy loss support group, but I have yet to attend. It is IN the hospital and I just did not want to go back there. For probably a month after Adelyn died, I had anxiety/panic/crying attacks when I would just see a sign for the hospital. It doesn't help that the dr. who actually delivered her was new to the group, so there was this huge sign at the mall with a big picture of her on it. I told her she's haunting me....

Anyway, I decided that this service would be a good time for a first trip back to the hospital. Since I do not get super upset every time I see a sign anymore, I must be getting better. Plus, we could bring kids, so Sierra came with us. Poor kid - anytime I have had to do anything difficult since losing Adelyn, I drag her along - first dr. visit, first trip back into work. She provides a nice distraction. Who knew a 2 year old could give you so much strength? Another reason I decided to go back to the dreaded place, is that we are now sure we want to have another baby, and unless we switch doctors, we will have to go back there. My dr. has been really nice and supportive - in fact, she even came to the memorial service last night. Yeah, what dr. does that?

The drive there was ok. I tried to keep focused and not think back. Then my husband started talking about how he thinks the hospital where I had Sierra is actually closer (it's NOT), so I started thinking about the night she was born. That was good. When we got there, I felt weird because I didn't know anyone and it seemed like a lot of the people knew each other from the support group. I couldn't hear most of what the speakers were saying - no microphone and too many kids. It was probably better that way or else the tears would have come! I don't like crying in front of Sierra because she gets upset and asks what's wrong, and she is too young to really understand what happened.

During the service, they asked everyone to put their ornaments (the little booties) on the tree and say your baby's name. I looked at my husband and was like, I am NOT doing that. So I walked up with him and Sierra and he talked, but I still felt stupid. It was a nice service, and afterwards the one person I did know (the pregnancy loss support nurse gave my number to her and we talked and met once) was there and introduced me to others. That was nice. We ended up staying later than we planned, and as a result I am so tired today. Even with a 2 hour delay that we found out about the night before. We talked a little bit with my dr. and met the support group leader for the first time in person. I left feeling ok.

Fast forward to today, and I am grumpy. I think it hit me today. I keep thinking back to that night and reliving it. I hate that, I try not to do it. But sometimes I just can't get my mind to stop. So all day I've been cranky. I ran some errands after work and got nothing accomplished. As I was driving home, I got behind a truck with one of those window stickers that said "in memory of my wife" and a date of sometimes in August of 2010. I started crying, thinking of my grief and also of this poor man who lost his wife and how he must feel as bad as me and how awful it is.

After I picked Sierra up from the baby-sitter's, I was just done. I think I was feeling every emotion in the book - tired, sad, mad, angry, pissed, annoyed, happy, joyful, thankful (these positive ones were sparked by Sierra, of course), overwhelmed, frustrated.......you name it. I am so busy at work it's ridiculous. It's like all the teachers waited to refer kids until I got back. Then my house is a mess - papers and junk everywhere, dishes needing washed, clothes put away...... Too much that I just don't know where to start. I will say I did get most of my Christmas cards done tonight. I still have some shopping to do and errands to run. I just feel so unorganized. I need a day or two to clean up and organize. But how can you do that with a 2 year old? I could have my mom watch her so I can do it, but the truth is I can't bear to be away from her right now. It's bad enough I have to leave her to go to work. Even when she is driving me crazy, I know I can reach over and give her a hug or receive a kiss or hug from her when I need cheering up. Amazing how much a 2 year old can help you without even knowing it.

Time to get to bed. I just can't seem to get there before 11. No wonder I'm so tired every day. Hoping tomorrow brings a little more happiness in the mix of all the other emotions that I am sure will still be there tomorrow.