My Life

I have to admit, I was feeling sorry for myself today. I'm not sure what it was - going back to the hospital on Monday, hormones, or what - but I was just so SAD today. I listened to Pandora on the computer while I did paperwork at work today and I almost started crying when Kelly Clarkson's "Behind These Hazel Eyes" came on. I know it's about a boy but some parts just speak to me:
"Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on"

The tears did come, as they often do, in the car while driving home. It can't be that safe to be driving while crying, but I guess I'm kind of a pro by now. As I was driving, I had this "deja vu" moment. It made me think of how words can take on such a different meaning, in the blink of an eye. How life can change, in the blink of an eye - or in this case, in the shocking, last second death of a much wanted, loved baby girl. Over the summer, I remember driving around on beautiful day, windows down, radio blaring, Sierra happily singing along in her car seat. I looked back at her and thought - "I can't believe this is my life." Meaning, I have this beautiful, perfect daughter and I'm about to have another one. It was a joyous thought. Today, I had the same thought - "I can't believe this is my life." As I'm balling my eyes out, driving down the street. I still can't believe this happened to me. I can't believe I had a perfect, beautiful baby girl - who looks so much like her big sister - and she died. And no one knows why. Now, that same thought comes from an overwhelmingly sad place. How did this happen? How did my life become about survival - not enjoying, living? When will I think "I can't believe this is my life" in a happy way again? Not soon enough, I can tell you that.