Saturday, December 18, 2010


It's back - the guilt. I'm going to start this post by saying that yes, I know deep down that I cannot blame myself for what happened. I know I made the best decision at the time, what I thought was right. But still, sometimes, I still feel guilty.

I know that the whole story is not posted here, so I'll write a little bit in this post. When my blog gets a makeover soon :) it will contain the whole story. Basically, we found out at just about 39 weeks that Adelyn was breech. I was terrified of a c-section - how could I take care of a 2.5 year old and newborn while recovering from major surgery? My husband could only take off 1 week tops. I just didn't want to do it. So, the dr. gave us the option - c-section that very week, or try to turn the baby. I thought about it, but really it was an easy choice for me. The only thing that made me think twice was - if I do the c-section, she would be here in like 3 days. I was getting annoyed and uncomfortable and was ready to be done being pregnant (forever - she was going to be our last). But, the fear of a c-section won, and we decided to try to turn her. And it worked - which I wasn't expecting, considering how far along I was. I was ecstatic! I was hoping they would induce me soon after, but no. They didn't schedule an induction until I was 1 week late. And I went into labor the day before the induction was scheduled.

Fast forward a little more than 2 weeks. Labor is going fine, quickly actually, but her heart rate dropped to the 60-70s for about 7 minutes. I didn't know it was that long until I read the records recently. I remember the dr. saying we need to get her out now or c-section. I heard that and pushed with all I had, dr. tried the suction cup but it popped off 3 times due to meconium slippage. Then, her heart rate went back up. Relief. I pushed another hour or so, and now that I looked at the records, know that her heart rate dropped with every contraction but went right back up. This can be normal. But, then the dr. was saying this baby needs to come out. Later, after looking at the records, I learned that her heart rate was too fast at this point. So, she tried the suction cup again and it worked this time and Adelyn was born. Looking at the fetal heart monitor strips that I requested, she had a heart beat of around 150 less than 2 minutes before birth. Then, she came out and NOTHING. No cries, no movement, no attempts at breathing. 18 minutes of attempting to resuscitate her with no luck.

So, in my mind, this baby just did not handle labor. If I had done the c-section instead of doing the version to turn her, more likely than not, she would be here with me. And that makes me SICK. I know that I had no way of knowing this would happen, but I think I was selfish in doing what I wanted - I wanted natural labor and delivery, not a c-section. Sigh......

Now, there's more to the guilt. It's not just about that. I'm feeling guilty that Sierra does not have a little sister. Again, I know it's not my fault, but I feel so badly for her. Even if she doesn't understand. I also feel guilty that I spent 9 months being pregnant and maybe not being the best mother that I know I can be. In the beginning, I was so tired so a lot of time the TV went on and I laid there while she watched. It's all I could do. In the end, I was so uncomfortable and it was so HOT that I couldn't do much. All that would have been fine, if the pregnancy would have given her a sibling to grow up with. But instead, I came home from the hospital sad, miserable, grieving, and physically hurting too. So, I could not do what I really wanted to do with her then either. I still can't. I still find myself with less patience. I snap at her, get frustrated. Sometimes I just have to walk away and go cry. I hate it. Today, my husband and I were both feeling so stressed and cranky, that we started fighting right in front of her. She started crying and I felt SO bad. I hate that my life has turned into so much guilt, and that we have such short fuses lately. I've been so miserable and busy and just barely hanging on, that I don't think we have gotten to spend any alone time together. Usually we do during nap time, but lately we've been out or running errands and haven't been able to. Hopefully tomorrow. Gosh, if we never get any alone time, Sierra will NEVER have another sibling. Ha ha. I found some humor in the situation - that's always good.

Enough ramblings for tonight. I think I am going to go hang out with my husband before he falls asleep on the couch!


Sarah Erwin said...

My heart is breaking for you. All of us angel mommies have so much guilt. And you've heard this a million times before, but it's not your fault. Really. God had such a purpose for little Adelyn!! Thinking of you!!

Kelly said...

Sarah reminded me last week that we are not God. He wanted our babies, and nothing we could have done would have changed it. My story starts out incredibly like yours, but instead, I opted for the section and Noah's heart stopped beating mere hours before I arrived at the hospital. You are in my prayers dear Lisa.

LetterstoClaire said...

It's easy for other people to tell you that you shouldn't be guilty, it's much harder accepting that they may be right. I know that logically I can't be held responsible for what happened to Claire, but it doesn't matter. What if I had called two weeks before she was born and told the doctor my round ligament pain was getting worse? What if I had done more research and demanded a cervical length check? What if I had made my ultrasound appointment on Friday instead of a Monday? The list goes on and on and my levels of guilt ebb and flow. One thing I try to remember to do is to ask myself, "Did I make each decision with my baby in mind?" Of course, the answer is always yes. I could not have done anything differently because I did everything with her best interest in mind. I may not have been as knowledgeable as I am now (not even close) or aware of the 100 million things that can go wrong (as I am now) so I have to try and remember that I made my choices out of what I thought was best for her. If someone had told you what would have happened, you definitely would have done something differently. I would have too, but they never did, and you had no reason to think anything bad would happen. After grief, I think guilt is the second hardest thing we have to deal with. We wouldn't be good mothers if we didn't walk around with "mommy guilt" half the time, it comes from caring about another human being more than we do ourselves :)

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