Tuesday, November 23, 2010

What goes up, must come down....

So, I expected today to not go as well as yesterday. I'm not to the point of having multiple good days in a row. I could tell right when I woke up, I was already struggling. Tuesdays I am at the elementary school, where I am usually the busiest. I have about an hour of prep time in the morning, so I tried to catch up on entering data in the computer. It's quite hard to understand someone else's data!! My sub got a little behind, but I was able to catch it up today. After my first group of kids, I had another chunk of time without kids. Normally, this is wonderful. I can write IEPs, organize, etc. But today I just wasn't feeling it. I couldn't focus, and started to feel sad. I worked through it. My next group of kids was 2 first graders. As soon as I get them, the one girl - who has no impulse control, so I was expecting it - says something along the lines of "a lot of kids are talking about your baby. What happened?" Again, I brushed it off by telling her we were not going to talk about it. The session went ok, but a small lump began to form. The next few groups went by without a hitch, and the kids made me feel a little better. After lunch, I had a group of 4th graders who are just working on articulation. Nice kids, "normal" kids - kids that knew I was pregnant and would understand if someone told them what happened. One of the kid's mother had a baby right after me - I guess - I never asked about the baby since I was back, just couldn't. So, he asked me how my baby was doing. Again, I just told him we were not going to talk about that. So now I'm starting to get pissed off. Pissed off because I had to answer that question more than I wanted to today. Even more pissed off because I had to avoid really answering it, sugar coat it, whatever. I know they are kids and don't really understand - but THIS kid would have, and if someone would have told him, they could have spared me that ache today. But no one did. They are too afraid or what? So, I'm not sure how to handle this. Let the kids think my baby is fine and I don't want to talk about her (yeah right, I'd be showing them pictures of her if she was alive), or tell the ones that can understand the truth. Should I ask if it's ok for me to tell them? I just don't know.

So, after this group I had a prep and was chatting with the secretary. I found out after Adelyn died, that she had also lost a daughter at birth about 30 years ago. So, as we are talking, a mother comes in to pick up her child early and notices the birth announcement on the bulletin board for a teacher's baby who was born in August. She starts talking about him and I found myself making one comment and walking away. Yuck.

Then, to top off my pissed off-ness, I had drive over to the other school to work an extra 30 minutes for an inservice that doesn't apply to me. I don't give tests, and that's what they were working on. But I must go, because of the stupid "contract." I was in such a funky mood by the time I got there, that a teacher asked me how I was doing and I said "I'm angry." Usually I just say, ok. Not today.

I found myself kind of cranky for the rest of the night. Snapping at my husband because he didn't want to eat ham. Snapping at Sierra for not wanting to use the potty. But, we ended up watching Curious George together in our bed as a family. Even though for a second I thought about who was missing, it was still a good moment. I don't even watch TV when we do this, I watch Sierra watching the TV. I love to see her smile and make all these little expressions as she watches. I like to think that this is something I do now because of Adelyn. I take the time to appreciate how perfect and wonderful Sierra is. I always knew it, but now I will never take for granted this precious child I was given.


Mary Beth said...

I'm so sorry you had a bad day. Most people really don't know how to deal with baby loss so I think they try to avoid talking about it altogether. Makes it much harder on us though. I try to think back to before Reese died and how I might have acted. Hopefully more compassionately but who knows - after I do this, I feel like I can give them a little bit of a break. But it also depends on who it is. :)

I love watching Curious George with Riley. On weekend mornings she will sometimes crawl up on our bed to watch a movie - or about 20 min of a movie since she doesn't have a very long attention span. Usually it's the first 20 min of Beauty and the Beast - I have no idea why but she loves it. Anyway, I watch her all the time just like you watch Sierra. I know exactly what you are talking about. Just in awe. Sometimes I sneak into her room at night when she's asleep and just watch her. Touch her leg, touch her back. I'm amazed because I feel like she's such a miracle. I appreciated it before but nothing like I do now.

Sorry for rambling on here - but I definitely could identify with what you are sharing!

Post a Comment