Thursday, November 25, 2010


Today has been and up and down kind of day. We all slept in until 8 - which made me happy. Sierra and I watched parts of the parade on TV this morning. Then someone performed Green Day's "Good Riddance" :

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while"

My heart sank and my eyes welled up with tears. How I wish we were celebrating Adelyn's first Thanksgiving today. I thought about last year and how we had taken a photo of all the moms and kids and then all the dads and kids. For some reason, it made me sad. I hope we don't do it again this year, because all I will be thinking about is how Adelyn is missing. But on the other hand, it's priceless. There's Sierra, 2.5 years old, Riley (my cousin's son), also 2 years old, Aiden ("cousin's" son), 1 year old, Arlie (my precious niece), 1 year old, and Lucas (another "cousin's" son), 8 months. What a group - all so close in age, just like we all were growing up. I was so looking forward to Adelyn joining the family to even up the boy/girl mix. I grew up with a brother, 2 first cousins who are boys, and then 2 "cousins" (not really blood related, but they are my cousins in law I guess) who are also boys. I was the only girl!!! You can only imagine how I was tortured.

So, I started getting grumpy. Of course I turned to Sierra for a pick me up. We made handprint turkeys to give to people today, and then she started painting all these other pictures. The turkeys turned out so cute, and she had a blast. Ok, feeling better.

Then Trevor decided he was going to go to his parents' house a little this afternoon. I don't feel like going. I just feel uncomfortable there - basically it's because of his jerk of a dad, but I won't get into that. For once I'm thinking about myself. So, I don't want to go. I feel bad enough as it is. He wants to take Sierra. I don't want to stay home alone on Thanksgiving, but I don't want to keep Sierra from his family. So I snap at him and feel bad. Turns out, Sierra got cranky and took a nap, so the decision was made for me. She's here napping and he went to his parents' house alone. He will meet us at my aunt's house later.

I sign in to Facebook to pass the time and there are all these happy posts about having so much to be thankful for. This makes me resent all the happy people in the world. Sounds awful, but it's the truth. So again I'm grumpy. While I do know I have plenty to be thankful for, it's hard. But I am going to make a list right now before we head over to my aunt's house, in hopes it will cheer me up a little. Here goes - I am thankful for:
-Sierra. Of couse she's #1 on this list. I love that little girl more than anyone or anything in this world. Sorry Trevor! She is the one person who can instantly cheer me up, just by being herself. She's got the biggest personality - the life of the party. We are so blessed.
-my husband. He has really put himself on the backburner for the past 2 months to try to help me out, but I know he's hurting too. He helps me cook, clean, take care of Sierra, in addition to all the man stuff like changing the oil in our cars. He's a do-it-yourself kind of guy, and as annoying as that is sometimes, it's one of the things I love most about him. Probably because it reminds me of my dad.
-my parents and brother. I think I have the best family. I know they would drop anything to come and help me out if I needed it. I had the best childhood - can't think of one thing I would change.
-my niece. As mentioned above, I grew up around all boys. Now more than ever, since Sierra's sister is in heaven and not here with her, I am grateful that she has a girl cousin to grow up with.
-my extended family. I honestly love them all. We have so much fun and truly enjoy each other's company. That is rare!
-my friends. Throughout this journey of grief, I have reconnected with old friends, and made new friends that I didn't expect to be there for me as they have done. And current friends who proved why they are in my life. No one really let me down.
-my job. Yes, most mornings I wake up and dread going to work. I would rather stay home and play with Sierra all day. But, most days I come home from work in a better mood than when I left. That's saying something. I'm glad I can get paid to make a difference in a child's life. I'm glad I have a short work day and work 10 minutes from our house. And I'm REALLY glad I'm off all summer!
-Sierra's baby-sitter. If I have to work, I can't think of anyone better to take care of my most prized possession. She really loves Sierra like one of her own and takes such good care of her. I know if push came to shove, she would stand up for Sierra. That's more than I can say for some blood relatives.
-my neighborhood. Goes along with friends, but I just love the fact that I can ask them to let my dog out and they will. I love that everyone is outside and our kids all play together. So much better than where we lived in NM, when no one came outside.
-our health. This should probably be higher up on the list. Just about everyone in my life is healthy right now. My uncle is receiving treatment for cancer, but I have faith he is going to be ok. So far, so good.
-financial security. While I honestly could care less about money right now, I am thankful that we have the money to live in a nice, safe neighborhood. We can buy Sierra whatever she needs/wants and have money to enroll her in fun things as she grows up. And honestly, most things I have ever wanted, within reason of course, we have been able to buy.

I think that's enough for now. Feeling better - Happy Thanksgiving!


TanaLee Davis said...

Hello, I am a new follower here for you.
have a good day. Try to enjoy life even when part of your heart feels heavy. I understand what your going through. I too am a BLM (baby loss mom) you can follow and read me story @
take care-

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