So, today was ok. Sierra and I went grocery shopping, finally! My husband cleaned the whole house. I'm talking toilets, showers, wiped down all the base boards, cleaned the hardwood floors, mopped the tile floors, and dusted. That's enough to put anyone in a good mood!!
Trevor and my dad went to get a Christmas tree this afternoon. Bah humbug! But really, I can't avoid Christmas - I can't do that to Sierra. We are doing the minimal amount needed. Tree, stockings, candles in windows, Christmas wreath on door and in windows. That's it.
My nieces came over to visit today. They are 14 and 10. We had pizza for dinner and then Sierra threw up on the carpet afterwards. Great. She was running around after that so I guess she is ok. We watched Toy Story 3 and Sierra sat right next to me and let me cuddle her the whole time :) I can't believe she sat and watched the whole movie.
Just about the entire time we were watching the movie, my nieces were writing messages on Sierra's doodle pro and handing them back and forth. It was so cute, but so sad at the same time. At first I thought - well, look, they are 4 years apart and look how well they hang out together. Then my mind started thinking of Sierra and how she won't get to do that with her sister. I know that maybe she will have a sister someday, but for some reason I'm convinced if we have another baby it will be a boy. And I know she won't miss what she doesn't know or have, but I'll know. I'll miss it for her. It kills me right now :(
So after the girls left, I signed on to Facebook and saw a post from an old friend: "we are having a healthy baby girl." First thought - why the hell is everyone having girls right now? Seriously, it just seems to sting more when I hear people are having girls. And it stings a LOT. Second thought - I wanted to respond "yeah that's what I thought too. Don't assume a healthy baby so soon." Of course I would never do that, but I really, really wanted to. I'm sure her baby will be healthy and fine. And good for her - she's a sweet person and deserves it. I wouldn't want her to know my pain. It just seems like it's only my baby who died, everyone else's is fine.
I did go in the nursery today to put the baby car seat in there. I didn't want to keep it under the stairs and take up space and get dirty. I just took apart the whole thing and washed it. You know what a pain that is, and it never even got used. Boo. Anyway, I didn't have a meltdown when I went in. But the little clothes hanging in the closet made my heart sink a little lower than it already is right now. Everything ready for a baby who will never need those things. Maybe another little baby will need all that stuff someday. But that's in God's hands right now, even though I'm so scared about leaving it that way.
Tomorrow is another day.........
1 week ago