Saturday, November 27, 2010

Girls, girls everywhere....

So, today was ok. Sierra and I went grocery shopping, finally! My husband cleaned the whole house. I'm talking toilets, showers, wiped down all the base boards, cleaned the hardwood floors, mopped the tile floors, and dusted. That's enough to put anyone in a good mood!!

Trevor and my dad went to get a Christmas tree this afternoon. Bah humbug! But really, I can't avoid Christmas - I can't do that to Sierra. We are doing the minimal amount needed. Tree, stockings, candles in windows, Christmas wreath on door and in windows. That's it.

My nieces came over to visit today. They are 14 and 10. We had pizza for dinner and then Sierra threw up on the carpet afterwards. Great. She was running around after that so I guess she is ok. We watched Toy Story 3 and Sierra sat right next to me and let me cuddle her the whole time :) I can't believe she sat and watched the whole movie.

Just about the entire time we were watching the movie, my nieces were writing messages on Sierra's doodle pro and handing them back and forth. It was so cute, but so sad at the same time. At first I thought - well, look, they are 4 years apart and look how well they hang out together. Then my mind started thinking of Sierra and how she won't get to do that with her sister. I know that maybe she will have a sister someday, but for some reason I'm convinced if we have another baby it will be a boy. And I know she won't miss what she doesn't know or have, but I'll know. I'll miss it for her. It kills me right now :(

So after the girls left, I signed on to Facebook and saw a post from an old friend: "we are having a healthy baby girl." First thought - why the hell is everyone having girls right now? Seriously, it just seems to sting more when I hear people are having girls. And it stings a LOT. Second thought - I wanted to respond "yeah that's what I thought too. Don't assume a healthy baby so soon." Of course I would never do that, but I really, really wanted to. I'm sure her baby will be healthy and fine. And good for her - she's a sweet person and deserves it. I wouldn't want her to know my pain. It just seems like it's only my baby who died, everyone else's is fine.

I did go in the nursery today to put the baby car seat in there. I didn't want to keep it under the stairs and take up space and get dirty. I just took apart the whole thing and washed it. You know what a pain that is, and it never even got used. Boo. Anyway, I didn't have a meltdown when I went in. But the little clothes hanging in the closet made my heart sink a little lower than it already is right now. Everything ready for a baby who will never need those things. Maybe another little baby will need all that stuff someday. But that's in God's hands right now, even though I'm so scared about leaving it that way.

Tomorrow is another day.........

5 comments:

Mary Beth said...

Lisa - I have so many of these same thoughts, it's like I could have written *your* post now! :) Hang in there, you never know what God has in store for you. And in the meantime, it sounds like she is having a great time with her cousins. She sounds so happy and full of life. She will love life no matter if she has a brother a sister or is an only child. She is so blessed to have such great parents and an extended family close by!

BTW - I am SO impressed with your husband! I wish mine would get that cleaning bug. ;)

TanaLee Davis said...

I'm proud of you for going in to put away the car seat. I couldn't even look at my daughter's crib for months. I cried the first time my niece slept in that crib because her cousin (my daughter) never even saw let alone slept in it. *tear*
But you are strong for facing the nursery as soon as you have. It will always be hard to see that nursery but it will be easier to bare as time goes on. I now, after almost six months can finally look at the baby stuff and not cry right away. (granted I do cry if I linger.)
I'm not out to tell you all will be well soon. Because frankly it will never be ALL better. I'm just telling you that you are soo incredibly strong for doing the first steps now.
take care-
Felicia

Lisa said...

Mary Beth, we think alike. I'm so glad to have "met" you! I know Sierra will be happy no matter if she has a brother or sister - she loves ALL babies. I just got so attached to the whole "sisters" thing. I know you can relate!

Felicia, you'd be even more impressed to know that I went in the nursery 2 days after Adelyn died and went through clothes to return. I cried the whole time, but I wanted to get my money back and knew some receipts were expiring. I sent my cousin to return the stuff - couldn't do that! It is a tad bit easier for me considering that the room was Sierra's for 2.5 years, so there are lots of happy memories with it. Right now, we keep the door shut. I plan on doing that until we we bring another baby home. It is gender neutral, thankfully. Why take it down when we know we definitely want another baby soon? I just hope it happens for us.

Holly Steele said...

Hi Lisa, I just found toyr blog through MaryBeth. We lost our second Son, Landry James on July 26th. Our oldest boy, Tyler is 3. We were blessed to have Landry for 43 hours. I love finding others that are going through the same thing. http://hollyandryan.blogspot.com/
Holly Steele

Sarah Danae said...

Lisa,
I am so sorry! I know you miss little Adelyn so much more than we can ever write about.
I will be thinking about you and praying for you this Christmas season!!
Love you,
Sarah Erwin

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