Thursday, November 18, 2010

Shattered Dreams

Since my last post, we have gotten the autopsy results back and I went back to work. While I would like to write about that, I am so tired and those require thought and time to do. What is really on my mind is this:

I always wanted to have a daughter. Maybe it's because I grew up around all boys, or maybe it's because of the relationship that I have with my mother. When Sierra was born, I seriously could not believe I actually had a little girl. Sometimes I would just smile thinking about all the fun we would have doing "girly" stuff together. Anyone who knows me can also vouch that I have enjoyed shopping for her and dressing her!! When I got pregnant again, I truly didn't care if we had a boy or girl. I always thought I wanted one of each - perfect, balanced family. But after having Sierra, I thought another girl would be nice too. I just love having a little girl that much. And I thought about how sad I would be to pack away all her girly things. So, when we found out we were having another girl, I was elated. A lot of people thought I would be disappointed that it wasn't a boy, but I wasn't. I quickly got attached to the idea of matching dresses, tea parties, best friends, and PINK! Never been a pink person either - weird. I remember driving around thinking about the fact that I was going to be a mommy to 2 little girls - and feeling this huge grin come over my face. One time, the song "Daughters" by John Mayer came on and my emotions got the best of me and I started crying - out of joy I guess. Needless to say, that song is now ruined for me.

Anyway, I had this dream at my finger tips and then at the very last possible second, it was snatched away. It makes me feel physically sick that Adelyn was a perfect little girl, but yet she is not here with me. It hurts so much knowing I came that close to this dream. I think it would have been a little easier had it not been dangled in front of me like that. I was almost able to grab it, but then it was pulled away. And my heart is forever broken I think.

Yes, I have Sierra. I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. Tonight I was reading her a book before bed, and I just got so sad that I would never get to do that with Adelyn. And that Sierra would never get to wear matching dresses with her, or play baby dolls with her, or even fight with her. Life is just so unfair sometimes. We loved that baby girl and wanted her to complete our family more than anything. Why???


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