Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Today was an ok day at work. Surprising, since I was at the high school and it's my least favorite building. It's just hard working with the same kids on the same things over and over. That's how it is at that level. The kids don't want to be there, and I will have like 2 students tops in a group. Sort of boring. I think that I could disappear and most of the staff there wouldn't even notice. Some days, that's a good thing. Other days it's sort of lonely. As time goes by, I meet more and more teachers there and I honestly really like the teachers. If I was a real teacher, I wouldn't mind working with high school kids. But as a speech therapist, the little ones are where we make the most progress.

I went to pick Sierra up and she was the last one still there. Usually this makes it easier. But today, she just really didn't want to leave and started throwing a fit. It made me sad that she wasn't happy to see me. But I knew the real reason she didn't want to come home was because there are no kids to play with at our house. I started thinking about all the other kids she interacts with - neighbors, other kids her baby-sitter watches - and ALL of them have siblings. I just started feeling so down. So sad for Sierra that she doesn't have one to play with at home. I know, if Adelyn were here, she wouldn't be able to play much yet. But Sierra LOVES babies so much, she would have had a blast helping me with her.

Then, there's the obsession she has with Dora and the Super Babies/aka Dora's baby brother and baby sister. She talks about them constantly. I'm used to it, so I don't cringe as much when she says those words. But, still, it hurts.

Then I started thinking about the Big Sister Dora doll that my mom and I had bought to give Sierra when her baby sister was born. My mom had it in her trunk when she came over to watch Sierra when I went to the hospital. She never took it out after all that happened, and when I was loading up her car after the wake, I saw it in there. So then I started thinking about that and how sad it made me :(

I had been thinking that maybe we should just give Sierra the Dora doll. She'd LOVE it, and while I think she will be a big sister to a baby that comes home with us some day, what if she isn't into Dora by then? She might as well play with it now, while she is so consumed with it. So I called my mom to tell her that and asked about the doll. She got it out to see what it does, pressed something and Dora started singing "I just love being a big sister" blah blah. Ugh. I certainly can't handle hearing that over and over. Maybe we will just take out the batteries until she has a baby brother or sister that comes home to meet her.

So, that's a little insight to how my crazy mind works right now. One thing leads to another and reminds me.

"Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
Always something there to remind me.
I was born to love her, and I'll never be free
You'll always be a part of me."


Mary Beth said...

Going through all these same thoughts and emotions. My advice is to not give Sierra the doll if it makes it harder for you. She'll eventually forget and move on to something else. :) She sounds like such a sweetie. All she needs to know is that she is loved and cherished (which she obviously is). The rest will fall in place. You are a great mom.

Lisa said...

We did end up showing it to her as motivation for potty training! We turned off the sound to make sure we didn't have to hear the big sister song. She has to stay dry to earn it -that will be the day! It doesn't matter if she has the doll or not, all she talks about is Dora's baby brother and baby sister. And babies in general - I used to think it was cute but now it tugs at my heart every time. But I was the same way with babies when I was little!

Mary Beth said...

I need your tips on potty training! Riley is so far from it. I just don't feel like I have the energy to tackle it right now. She really needs it though.

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