Two Months

So, today it has been exactly two months since that tragic day. "The day" as it will forever be known. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to say the date, or say "the day Adelyn died." I don't like to speak those words out loud. I guess it makes them more real.

Surprisingly, today was not that bad. I am still on Thanksgiving break, so I guess it's good that I didn't have to go to work. And thinking ahead, I will also be off for Christmas break on the three month mark. Nice to know in case it happens to be a bad day.

Anyway.......back to today. Sierra had her Christmas pictures at Olan Mills. They were running late - of course - so we walked around and shopped (it's inside Kmart). At one point "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" was playing and it made me so sad. I don't know what it is about that song. I found the Dora Super Babies book that I thought was no longer in print, so I was happy about that. Sierra LOVES that book. Then I found a Christmas Dora giant coloring page book - and she's totally into coloring and Dora right now, and really likes the big pages. As I'm typing this I just had a flashback to the very first set of Dora giant coloring pages that my cousin bought for Sierra. It was "before" and the idea was to entertain her while I was taking care of the new baby. I hate how those fleeting sad moments pop into my head at random times :( So, back to the present, I also found a roll of Dora posters to color - 25 feet! Had to get that, too! Not that Sierra needs any more presents - but these things entertain her. The book and Christmas coloring pages I am just going to give her now to keep her busy. The roll will go into her stocking. I just really don't care about spoiling her right now. It's like I have all this love saved up for Adelyn, but she isn't here to receive it in the way I know how to give it, so I just end up giving it all to Sierra. Or at least trying to.

Sierra did such a good job with the pictures. What a difference 7 months makes. Her 2 year pictures were hard! So many turned out good, and a good chunk of change later, I made my final decisions. I ordered montage prints for my parents and in-laws, and one for us, along with some sheets of different poses, and then they conned me into the disc for an extra $20. I sort of regret that, but at least I can use the pictures for my Christmas cards now and I won't have to stress about getting her to pose for a picture in front of our tree. Although she may actually pose now, which makes me happy :) Did I mention I love pictures?

After the pictures we shopped some more. I decided to "sponsor" an angel and picked a 3 month old baby girl. I thought I could pretend I was shopping for Adelyn. So I got her a glow worm today. I want to get her a toy cell phone, except it has to be pink, and they didn't have a pink one. So to Toys R Us I will go! I am also including 2 onesies that I had bought for Adelyn and even though they still have tags, I cannot return them. I'd like another baby to get to wear them. I did keep a few things of Adelyn's that are sentimental - like the outfit she was going to wear to come home in and her little sister onesie - but most I returned if I could, and a lot of the clothes were Sierra's anyway. As mentioned earlier, I think I will have a boy if there is a next time, so I don't want to hold on to the girl stuff. Besides, even if we did have a girl, we didn't need the new clothes I bought. You should see Sierra's closet. Some day I will post a picture of it!

So, after Kmart we went to the library and got more books, then grocery store to pick up a few things I forgot. I actually made it until this point without crying. I don't know how. It wasn't until I read an e-mail that the tears finally came - but not as bad as it has been. I feel strangely uplifted today. Not sure why. I have been trying really hard to think about what I have, not what I don't have. Plus Sierra just made it really a hard for me to be sad today. She was giving me hugs and kisses while we were shopping. And she just might be the cutest little girl ever. Just wait till I post her Christmas pictures!

I definitely had flashes of the past - while cooking dinner I noticed the clock say 5:46 and that's when Adelyn was born. At this point I then avoided the clock because obviously I knew that 6:04 was coming (the time they prounounced her). The next time I looked at the clock it was about 6:10 and I did for a second start to think back to how we were feeling two months ago. I guess now I am better at quickly redirecting my mind away from those thoughts. I am not sure if that is what I should be doing? Should I let myself think them and be upset, allow myself to grieve? Or should I push them away and keep busy so that I can function? I think some things I just need time to process, and I think about them over and over again, then after awhile I am sort of "ok" with them.

Happy 2 months in heaven, Adelyn. It comforts me to know there are so many other wonderful angel babies up there for you to play with. I just wish their mommies and daddies didn't have to hurt so much in order for that to happen. We love you, baby girl!

Tear Soup

Someone recommended the book called Tear Soup to me. I found it at the library and have to admit, really liked it. So, since I am taking it back tomorrow, I thought I would write down some of the things/parts I liked best about the book. One page has pictures of books on a shelf, each one has something written on it that would be a reason for grief. Among them are "stillbirth" and "pet died." I give the author credit for recognizing stillbirth as a true reason for grief.

"It seems that grief is never clean. People often feel misunderstood, feelings get hurt and wrong assumptions are made all over the place. To make matters worse, grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to."

"All she could taste was salt from her teardrops. It tasted bitter, but she knew this was where she had to start. And for now, it was the only thing on her menu."

"Grandy's arms ached and she felt stone cold and empty. There were no words to describe the pain she was feeling. What's more, when she looked out the window it surprised her to see how the rest of the world was going on as usual while her world had stopped."

"Grandy found that most people can tolerate only a cup of someone else's tear soup. The giant bowl, where Grandy could repeatedly share her sadness in great detail, was left for a few willing friends."

"I feel like I'm unraveling. I'm mad. I'm confused. I can't make any decisions. Nobody can make me feel good. I'm a mess. I just didn't realize it would be this hard."

"Grandy looked forward to getting the mail each day. She dreaded the day when no more sympathy cards would come."

"Thank goodness Grandy and Pops have been married a long time. They already knew each other's tear soup would be different. Secretly Grandy wished Pops would put more flavoring in his soup, but he doesn't want to. And he's perfectly content to dine alone and sip his own soup."

"Making tear soup is hard work. Sometimes it was all she could think about. Even the things Grandy used to love to do, she didn't have the energy for, nor did she care about anymore."

"Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe. Some days you feel like running away. You just hope a better day comes along soon. And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup. It's when you decide it may be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time."

"I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it. I've learned that sometimes people say unkind things, but they really don't mean to hurt you. And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."

There are also tips in the back of the book that are really good.
-The object of grieving is not to get over the loss or recover from the loss but to get through the loss.
-You deserve to be happy again. Being happy doesn't mean you forget. Learn to be grateful for the good days.
-Remember the past, hope for the future, but live in the present.

Girls, girls everywhere....

So, today was ok. Sierra and I went grocery shopping, finally! My husband cleaned the whole house. I'm talking toilets, showers, wiped down all the base boards, cleaned the hardwood floors, mopped the tile floors, and dusted. That's enough to put anyone in a good mood!!

Trevor and my dad went to get a Christmas tree this afternoon. Bah humbug! But really, I can't avoid Christmas - I can't do that to Sierra. We are doing the minimal amount needed. Tree, stockings, candles in windows, Christmas wreath on door and in windows. That's it.

My nieces came over to visit today. They are 14 and 10. We had pizza for dinner and then Sierra threw up on the carpet afterwards. Great. She was running around after that so I guess she is ok. We watched Toy Story 3 and Sierra sat right next to me and let me cuddle her the whole time :) I can't believe she sat and watched the whole movie.

Just about the entire time we were watching the movie, my nieces were writing messages on Sierra's doodle pro and handing them back and forth. It was so cute, but so sad at the same time. At first I thought - well, look, they are 4 years apart and look how well they hang out together. Then my mind started thinking of Sierra and how she won't get to do that with her sister. I know that maybe she will have a sister someday, but for some reason I'm convinced if we have another baby it will be a boy. And I know she won't miss what she doesn't know or have, but I'll know. I'll miss it for her. It kills me right now :(

So after the girls left, I signed on to Facebook and saw a post from an old friend: "we are having a healthy baby girl." First thought - why the hell is everyone having girls right now? Seriously, it just seems to sting more when I hear people are having girls. And it stings a LOT. Second thought - I wanted to respond "yeah that's what I thought too. Don't assume a healthy baby so soon." Of course I would never do that, but I really, really wanted to. I'm sure her baby will be healthy and fine. And good for her - she's a sweet person and deserves it. I wouldn't want her to know my pain. It just seems like it's only my baby who died, everyone else's is fine.

I did go in the nursery today to put the baby car seat in there. I didn't want to keep it under the stairs and take up space and get dirty. I just took apart the whole thing and washed it. You know what a pain that is, and it never even got used. Boo. Anyway, I didn't have a meltdown when I went in. But the little clothes hanging in the closet made my heart sink a little lower than it already is right now. Everything ready for a baby who will never need those things. Maybe another little baby will need all that stuff someday. But that's in God's hands right now, even though I'm so scared about leaving it that way.

Tomorrow is another day.........

Thankful?

Today has been and up and down kind of day. We all slept in until 8 - which made me happy. Sierra and I watched parts of the parade on TV this morning. Then someone performed Green Day's "Good Riddance" :

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while"

My heart sank and my eyes welled up with tears. How I wish we were celebrating Adelyn's first Thanksgiving today. I thought about last year and how we had taken a photo of all the moms and kids and then all the dads and kids. For some reason, it made me sad. I hope we don't do it again this year, because all I will be thinking about is how Adelyn is missing. But on the other hand, it's priceless. There's Sierra, 2.5 years old, Riley (my cousin's son), also 2 years old, Aiden ("cousin's" son), 1 year old, Arlie (my precious niece), 1 year old, and Lucas (another "cousin's" son), 8 months. What a group - all so close in age, just like we all were growing up. I was so looking forward to Adelyn joining the family to even up the boy/girl mix. I grew up with a brother, 2 first cousins who are boys, and then 2 "cousins" (not really blood related, but they are my cousins in law I guess) who are also boys. I was the only girl!!! You can only imagine how I was tortured.

So, I started getting grumpy. Of course I turned to Sierra for a pick me up. We made handprint turkeys to give to people today, and then she started painting all these other pictures. The turkeys turned out so cute, and she had a blast. Ok, feeling better.

Then Trevor decided he was going to go to his parents' house a little this afternoon. I don't feel like going. I just feel uncomfortable there - basically it's because of his jerk of a dad, but I won't get into that. For once I'm thinking about myself. So, I don't want to go. I feel bad enough as it is. He wants to take Sierra. I don't want to stay home alone on Thanksgiving, but I don't want to keep Sierra from his family. So I snap at him and feel bad. Turns out, Sierra got cranky and took a nap, so the decision was made for me. She's here napping and he went to his parents' house alone. He will meet us at my aunt's house later.

I sign in to Facebook to pass the time and there are all these happy posts about having so much to be thankful for. This makes me resent all the happy people in the world. Sounds awful, but it's the truth. So again I'm grumpy. While I do know I have plenty to be thankful for, it's hard. But I am going to make a list right now before we head over to my aunt's house, in hopes it will cheer me up a little. Here goes - I am thankful for:
-Sierra. Of couse she's #1 on this list. I love that little girl more than anyone or anything in this world. Sorry Trevor! She is the one person who can instantly cheer me up, just by being herself. She's got the biggest personality - the life of the party. We are so blessed.
-my husband. He has really put himself on the backburner for the past 2 months to try to help me out, but I know he's hurting too. He helps me cook, clean, take care of Sierra, in addition to all the man stuff like changing the oil in our cars. He's a do-it-yourself kind of guy, and as annoying as that is sometimes, it's one of the things I love most about him. Probably because it reminds me of my dad.
-my parents and brother. I think I have the best family. I know they would drop anything to come and help me out if I needed it. I had the best childhood - can't think of one thing I would change.
-my niece. As mentioned above, I grew up around all boys. Now more than ever, since Sierra's sister is in heaven and not here with her, I am grateful that she has a girl cousin to grow up with.
-my extended family. I honestly love them all. We have so much fun and truly enjoy each other's company. That is rare!
-my friends. Throughout this journey of grief, I have reconnected with old friends, and made new friends that I didn't expect to be there for me as they have done. And current friends who proved why they are in my life. No one really let me down.
-my job. Yes, most mornings I wake up and dread going to work. I would rather stay home and play with Sierra all day. But, most days I come home from work in a better mood than when I left. That's saying something. I'm glad I can get paid to make a difference in a child's life. I'm glad I have a short work day and work 10 minutes from our house. And I'm REALLY glad I'm off all summer!
-Sierra's baby-sitter. If I have to work, I can't think of anyone better to take care of my most prized possession. She really loves Sierra like one of her own and takes such good care of her. I know if push came to shove, she would stand up for Sierra. That's more than I can say for some blood relatives.
-my neighborhood. Goes along with friends, but I just love the fact that I can ask them to let my dog out and they will. I love that everyone is outside and our kids all play together. So much better than where we lived in NM, when no one came outside.
-our health. This should probably be higher up on the list. Just about everyone in my life is healthy right now. My uncle is receiving treatment for cancer, but I have faith he is going to be ok. So far, so good.
-financial security. While I honestly could care less about money right now, I am thankful that we have the money to live in a nice, safe neighborhood. We can buy Sierra whatever she needs/wants and have money to enroll her in fun things as she grows up. And honestly, most things I have ever wanted, within reason of course, we have been able to buy.

I think that's enough for now. Feeling better - Happy Thanksgiving!

Siblings

Today was an ok day at work. Surprising, since I was at the high school and it's my least favorite building. It's just hard working with the same kids on the same things over and over. That's how it is at that level. The kids don't want to be there, and I will have like 2 students tops in a group. Sort of boring. I think that I could disappear and most of the staff there wouldn't even notice. Some days, that's a good thing. Other days it's sort of lonely. As time goes by, I meet more and more teachers there and I honestly really like the teachers. If I was a real teacher, I wouldn't mind working with high school kids. But as a speech therapist, the little ones are where we make the most progress.

I went to pick Sierra up and she was the last one still there. Usually this makes it easier. But today, she just really didn't want to leave and started throwing a fit. It made me sad that she wasn't happy to see me. But I knew the real reason she didn't want to come home was because there are no kids to play with at our house. I started thinking about all the other kids she interacts with - neighbors, other kids her baby-sitter watches - and ALL of them have siblings. I just started feeling so down. So sad for Sierra that she doesn't have one to play with at home. I know, if Adelyn were here, she wouldn't be able to play much yet. But Sierra LOVES babies so much, she would have had a blast helping me with her.

Then, there's the obsession she has with Dora and the Super Babies/aka Dora's baby brother and baby sister. She talks about them constantly. I'm used to it, so I don't cringe as much when she says those words. But, still, it hurts.

Then I started thinking about the Big Sister Dora doll that my mom and I had bought to give Sierra when her baby sister was born. My mom had it in her trunk when she came over to watch Sierra when I went to the hospital. She never took it out after all that happened, and when I was loading up her car after the wake, I saw it in there. So then I started thinking about that and how sad it made me :(

I had been thinking that maybe we should just give Sierra the Dora doll. She'd LOVE it, and while I think she will be a big sister to a baby that comes home with us some day, what if she isn't into Dora by then? She might as well play with it now, while she is so consumed with it. So I called my mom to tell her that and asked about the doll. She got it out to see what it does, pressed something and Dora started singing "I just love being a big sister" blah blah. Ugh. I certainly can't handle hearing that over and over. Maybe we will just take out the batteries until she has a baby brother or sister that comes home to meet her.

So, that's a little insight to how my crazy mind works right now. One thing leads to another and reminds me.

"Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me.
Always something there to remind me.
I was born to love her, and I'll never be free
You'll always be a part of me."

What goes up, must come down....

So, I expected today to not go as well as yesterday. I'm not to the point of having multiple good days in a row. I could tell right when I woke up, I was already struggling. Tuesdays I am at the elementary school, where I am usually the busiest. I have about an hour of prep time in the morning, so I tried to catch up on entering data in the computer. It's quite hard to understand someone else's data!! My sub got a little behind, but I was able to catch it up today. After my first group of kids, I had another chunk of time without kids. Normally, this is wonderful. I can write IEPs, organize, etc. But today I just wasn't feeling it. I couldn't focus, and started to feel sad. I worked through it. My next group of kids was 2 first graders. As soon as I get them, the one girl - who has no impulse control, so I was expecting it - says something along the lines of "a lot of kids are talking about your baby. What happened?" Again, I brushed it off by telling her we were not going to talk about it. The session went ok, but a small lump began to form. The next few groups went by without a hitch, and the kids made me feel a little better. After lunch, I had a group of 4th graders who are just working on articulation. Nice kids, "normal" kids - kids that knew I was pregnant and would understand if someone told them what happened. One of the kid's mother had a baby right after me - I guess - I never asked about the baby since I was back, just couldn't. So, he asked me how my baby was doing. Again, I just told him we were not going to talk about that. So now I'm starting to get pissed off. Pissed off because I had to answer that question more than I wanted to today. Even more pissed off because I had to avoid really answering it, sugar coat it, whatever. I know they are kids and don't really understand - but THIS kid would have, and if someone would have told him, they could have spared me that ache today. But no one did. They are too afraid or what? So, I'm not sure how to handle this. Let the kids think my baby is fine and I don't want to talk about her (yeah right, I'd be showing them pictures of her if she was alive), or tell the ones that can understand the truth. Should I ask if it's ok for me to tell them? I just don't know.

So, after this group I had a prep and was chatting with the secretary. I found out after Adelyn died, that she had also lost a daughter at birth about 30 years ago. So, as we are talking, a mother comes in to pick up her child early and notices the birth announcement on the bulletin board for a teacher's baby who was born in August. She starts talking about him and I found myself making one comment and walking away. Yuck.

Then, to top off my pissed off-ness, I had drive over to the other school to work an extra 30 minutes for an inservice that doesn't apply to me. I don't give tests, and that's what they were working on. But I must go, because of the stupid "contract." I was in such a funky mood by the time I got there, that a teacher asked me how I was doing and I said "I'm angry." Usually I just say, ok. Not today.

I found myself kind of cranky for the rest of the night. Snapping at my husband because he didn't want to eat ham. Snapping at Sierra for not wanting to use the potty. But, we ended up watching Curious George together in our bed as a family. Even though for a second I thought about who was missing, it was still a good moment. I don't even watch TV when we do this, I watch Sierra watching the TV. I love to see her smile and make all these little expressions as she watches. I like to think that this is something I do now because of Adelyn. I take the time to appreciate how perfect and wonderful Sierra is. I always knew it, but now I will never take for granted this precious child I was given.

Finally!

It finally arrived - a good day! I can't believe it. I've been feeling "blah" lately - not happy, not sad, just there. I can't decide what's worse - "blah" or having the somewhat highs followed by the really lows.

So, my day started regular. Cranky that I had to get up and go to work. Sierra refused to go on the potty. I got to work and my first group of kids came in. I call them my "normal" group because they are regular kids that just have some lingering articulation errors. Actually, they all are ready to be done except maybe 1 of them. But I had the same 4 kids in a group last year and they were my favorite group at the middle school. So, one says "so, I have to ask you - are you okay?" I thought it was so sweet, coming from an 8th grade boy. I was in a good mood - thankfully- or I may have lost it after that question. I just talked a little about it and said I'm not okay but I am, what happened was awful but what can you do. He says "well, you can make another one." Lol. Let's stop right there buddy! Then he proceeds to tell me that he'll tell the stork to hurry up and bring me another one. Obviously he was being sarcastic but it was funny and cute.

First period I go down to a classroom to work with some kids in the room. After class ended, I was talking to 2 of the learning support teachers. Both of them have 2 girls, like I should have. We were talking about Christmas shopping and they were saying how they had to worry about their girls fighting over presents. And I got a little sad. I wish I had that problem.......

I did get some work done during my prep, but still a lot to do. After lunch I had to drive over to my other school. I do not have a room in this building, but use someone else's. She takes over the room and pisses me off. Every time I go in to get my files, she moves this stupid cart in front of them so I can't get in there. Grrrr.... So inconsiderate. I'll stop there, cause I could go on. It's like an unspoken war - I move the cart, she moves it back the next day. Good thing I was in a good mood today or else I could have let her have it. This whole experience has made me have little tolerance.

So, I go to get my Kindergarten students - first time I've seen these 2 since I came back. The one hands me a picture of a rainbow. I asked him how he knew I liked rainbows and he says "cause you're a girl". Awww. Anyway, for those of us who are unfortunate enough to have lost a baby - rainbow has a special meaning. It refers to the baby you have after the one you lost. After a hurricane, comes the rainbow. "Rainbow baby" they are called. I hope to have one, soon - I think. Still debating on when the right time is. Maybe this was a sign? Who knows. Guess time will tell.

Then I get my first graders. Same kid who asked about how my baby was doing on Friday. He tells me he is scared of 2nd grade. Now, we are not even halfway through first grade! I asked him why, was he afraid of the teachers. He tells me he hopes to get this one particular teacher "because she's hot." I tried not to laugh.

And, the best for last. 3rd grader working on TH - I give him the word broth and ask him to use it in a sentence. He says "Girls wear a broth, but boys don't." Oh my....

I think I could entertain people just by writing about the kids at work! Not sure if they are why I was in a good mood or not. I was due for a good day I guess. The sad feelings came back a little on my drive home and even more so when I went to pick Sierra up and the pregnant neighbor who is due in Dec. was there. She's having a girl - of course! But, I got through it without a meltdown or complete change of mood.

So, in honor of my good mood, I'm going to type out this quote from Grey's Anatomy that I wrote down awhile back. It was the first time I actually sat down and watched TV since Adelyn died. It was the season premiere episode, after the shootings and all.

"Lightning doesn't often strike twice. It's a once in a lifetime thing. Even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually the pain will go away and the shock will wear off and you start to heal yourself. To recover from something you never saw coming. But sometimes the odds are in your favor. If you are in the right place at the right time, you can take a hell of a hit and still have a shot at surviving."

The Climb

I'm embarrassed to admit that a Miley Cyrus song made me cry today. But, it did. I was driving home from our haircuts, Sierra was falling asleep in her car seat. The song came on the radio, and it caught me. The first words are "I can almost see it, that dream I am dreaming" and it brought me back to the feelings I had the other day when I wrote about shattered dreams. So I really listened to the lyrics this time.

The Climb
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Back to Work

Yesterday was my first day back to work since Adelyn died. For the first few weeks, I actually wanted to go back. I thought being busy and getting out of this house would be good for me. I could not bear to be in this house in the quiet, especially during Sierra's nap time. Then, as I started feeling physically better, I started getting out more. My phone was ringing - or should I say "dinging" from all the texts - my facebook inbox was jammed with messages and invites from all kinds of people. I never felt so popular! So, I started taking advantage of it. Every day, Sierra and I would go somewhere with friends - library class, mall, lunch, dinner, gymnastics class. And suddenly, I was actually enjoying myself. As the last of my 7 week leave neared, I started dreading going back. I always dread going back after being off all summer, but this was different. Somehow, I felt even more connected to Sierra. After all, she had been the glue holding us all together. She made us laugh when I never thought it was possible. She took care of us, without even realizing it. After losing Adelyn, I decided that I did not want to miss a second of Sierra's life. I could experience it with her, but I was robbed of that chance with Adelyn.

But, as we know, life is unfair and I HAD to go back to work. So I tried to enjoy the last few days and prepared myself to be back in the old routine. I was ok until the drive to work. I felt it - the lump in my throat. I fought it back, but it won. Only for a minute. Then I was stopped behind the school bus and the lump was back. My phone "dinged" - text message from my cousin talking about taking her mother-in-law for her colonoscopy. I laughed and decided - it could be worse. The lump was gone! I walked into the office to sign in, and it wasn't so bad. I passed a few people, who said "welcome back!" I made it to my room and through my first group of kids, who seemed excited to have me back. I made it through lunch, but then the day started to drag. I tried to focus and do some paperwork. As I was reading through a report my sub had done to make sure I liked the goals she picked, I noticed it - date team reviewed existing data 9/29/2010. Really? You mean people actually did normal things on that day, the worst day EVER? How dare them. I got a little sad, stared at it for a moment, and moved on. Finally, it was time to leave. I made it through the whole day without a breakdown. Amazing. And, it wasn't so bad. But I have to admit, doing something for the first time since Adelyn died is always hard. I think back to the last time I did it, the last time I was in that building, about how happy and excited I was. And now I was back, without my baby, without that exciting thing to look forward to, and it makes me SO sad.

Day 2: a different school, so like reliving another first day. I get there before most of the teachers, but I was still feeling sad on the very short drive to work. Some things never change - the room I share still had crap and boxes piled everywhere. But - a new computer chair!! Finally - that old one hurt my back. I tried to get organzied but ended up chatting with a few teachers. I was impressed with how everyone in that building treated me. It was like someone had given them a lesson on how to talk to bereaved people. No one made me feel like an alien. There were no awkward, sad looks. Just genuine, caring words and looks. Maybe I was just in a good place that day, so I didn't take everything as people giving me the "poor her" look, I don't know. Most people said welcome back, how's your day going, we're here if you need us, etc. People didn't even seem uncomfortable when I talked a little bit about it. Some of the kids I see slipped - apparently the principal and guidance counselor had talked to them about me coming back and told them not to ask me about it because some things were private. So, 2 kids said "I'm not going to talk about your baby." Well, you just brought it up! One asked if my belly was going to get bigger again - I said I hope not (unless I get pregnant again, that is). And the worst of all - I pulled out picture cards and of course one of a baby eating was on top. A first grader said "how's your baby?" and then "is it a boy or girl?" Darn lump came back in my throat and I thought I could lose it. Calmly, I redirected him and said we were not going to talk about that. And we moved on. At lunch, teachers asked how my day was doing and I told them about that comment. They all seemed genuinely upset for me. I even noticed when talking to the school nurse, who just had a baby girl in August, that she only talked about her older son to me. She did not bring up her baby at all - and I know how hard that is. I'm thankful that she was so considerate. I did talk to her prior to going back to work about how hard it was going to be for me to hear about all the new babies in the building. But she actually listened. Of course there were 3 other women who just had babies and their babies were all healthy. The rest of the day went fast, but I found myself feeling overwhelmed. So much to do, things to organize, and I just couldn't focus enough to get it all done. But, another day checked off the calendar. I'm still counting down until June, when I can be home with Sierra again - and hopefully a little closer to a rainbow.

Shattered Dreams

Since my last post, we have gotten the autopsy results back and I went back to work. While I would like to write about that, I am so tired and those require thought and time to do. What is really on my mind is this:

I always wanted to have a daughter. Maybe it's because I grew up around all boys, or maybe it's because of the relationship that I have with my mother. When Sierra was born, I seriously could not believe I actually had a little girl. Sometimes I would just smile thinking about all the fun we would have doing "girly" stuff together. Anyone who knows me can also vouch that I have enjoyed shopping for her and dressing her!! When I got pregnant again, I truly didn't care if we had a boy or girl. I always thought I wanted one of each - perfect, balanced family. But after having Sierra, I thought another girl would be nice too. I just love having a little girl that much. And I thought about how sad I would be to pack away all her girly things. So, when we found out we were having another girl, I was elated. A lot of people thought I would be disappointed that it wasn't a boy, but I wasn't. I quickly got attached to the idea of matching dresses, tea parties, best friends, and PINK! Never been a pink person either - weird. I remember driving around thinking about the fact that I was going to be a mommy to 2 little girls - and feeling this huge grin come over my face. One time, the song "Daughters" by John Mayer came on and my emotions got the best of me and I started crying - out of joy I guess. Needless to say, that song is now ruined for me.

Anyway, I had this dream at my finger tips and then at the very last possible second, it was snatched away. It makes me feel physically sick that Adelyn was a perfect little girl, but yet she is not here with me. It hurts so much knowing I came that close to this dream. I think it would have been a little easier had it not been dangled in front of me like that. I was almost able to grab it, but then it was pulled away. And my heart is forever broken I think.

Yes, I have Sierra. I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. Tonight I was reading her a book before bed, and I just got so sad that I would never get to do that with Adelyn. And that Sierra would never get to wear matching dresses with her, or play baby dolls with her, or even fight with her. Life is just so unfair sometimes. We loved that baby girl and wanted her to complete our family more than anything. Why???

First Post

I have been thinking about doing this for a while now. After Adelyn died, people showered me with gifts. I guess they didn't know what to do, but wanted to do something to make me feel better. Truth is, no amount of "stuff" will bring her back, and that's all that will make me feel better right now. I got necklaces, bracelets, Christmas tree ornaments, figures, windchimes, gift cards, a night light, and other things I'm sure I am forgetting. I also got 2 journals. I thought it would be good to write and vent when I needed to. But I don't like to actually write. I change my mind about what I want to say too many times. I like typing better - I can reread and delete or change things around if I want. Plus, I liked the idea that I could vent my thoughts and people could actually read them if they wanted to. So, here goes the blog idea. If anything, I hope it will be therapeutic. I certainly need that right now.....