Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Baby Girls

I really thought I was doing better with baby girls.  Apparently I was wrong, dead wrong.

Maybe it is because I haven't really had to deal with them much - mostly everyone around us has had boys lately (thankfully).

This week a friend of mine who has been a very unexpected support to me the past 18 months had a baby girl.  Her second daughter.  Now she has two girls and a boy, just like me, but in a different order (girl, boy, girl).  I didn't think it would really bother me that much, because usually those who are sensitive to me and try to understand and ask and care make it easier.

Well, I was wrong.  Ever since I found out it was a girl (they didn't know but I thought it would be a girl), all I keep thinking about is all the things they are doing with their baby girl that I didn't get to do - hear her cry, cuddle her, see a pink "it's a girl" tag in her hospital crib (I do have one from Adelyn but it was never in her crib), pink blankets, hair bows, just merely referring to a baby as a "she."  I could go on.

It is just taking me back to all my hopes and dreams that were not fulfilled and never will be.  And it hurts, it still really hurts.  I guess I just need to give myself time to adjust to it, and then I think I will be ok.  I just wish it didn't still hurt so much.

At work today, I had a huge lump in my throat all day.  All I wanted to do was run home and hug my kids.  I just wanted to be with them, to hear Coen giggle or listen to Sierra's funny stories.  That is about the only thing that can make me feel better when I am missing Adelyn like this.  But no, I was stuck at work and pretty much stared at my computer all day and did not get much done, even though I am super busy and have tons to do.

Days like today, all I can do is go to sleep and hope tomorrow is better.


KrystalK said...

((((hugs)))) and amen on "going to sleep and hoping for a better day tomorrow"
Everyone around me has been having girls and my grief has been magnified, those around me dont understand and judge me because "17 months out should not be like this" apparently I should be the krystal i used to be by now. (rolling my eyes out)
Hope you find some more comforting days (((hugs)))

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